Wednesday, December 29, 2010
I started to feel sick a bit since last night. And this sickness brought me the reflection of difficult time back in San Francisco. What I most fear was discovered by near death experience. I knew that my weakness that I lose strength and will power when I physical exhausted especially when hard to breath. I discover that in army duty time. I become psychologically weak when physically forced to my limit. That's not the side that I like about myself. However it doesn't create fear though. That kind of situation creates strong resentment and fraustration but not fear. The most fearful few things for me were occurred when I feel beyond being weak absolute helplessness. When I feel absence of strength and ability to fight something that pulls me down to death against my will, awareness extremely increase and everything goes fast inside of me. The sensation that all my blood and energy getting out of my body quickly until no energy remain in me is the most horrendous thing to me. What happens in this experience is I wish to live more and more as I feel the death is getting closer. Overwhelming fear occurs when I feel my will fighting for survive but being defeated by what is coming after me. The life taking thing overpowers my will and strength. That is the scarest thing. In all helplessness and fear I cannot accept my end is just like that. But also I aware my death can be just like that. The probability and denial paradoxically cross over. The stregth of will literally become life itself. I hold onto the will to be alive as I am hanging on the edge of a cliff with one single rope and underneath the cliff is river of death. The rope is getting thinner and thinner but I cannot help with it. Meanwhile I am certain that if I lose my grip, I will die by falling into the river of death. Then gradually everything fade out, energy, consciousness, and the fear as well. State of being is so close to death that it feels like I dip in and out of the river of death. Then awareness slowly came back until I can barely manage to take a rest. Right after I got out of the horror I never felt more relief and appriciation of being alive. I don't know what saved me when I couldn't save myself. I can think of something very close to pure luck at least that's how I felt.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
In last night dream there was an aggressive, intimidating wasp and I was scared of its attack and try to find a safe place to avoid or away from it. Also there were few other people but it seemed who they are is not so important. Anyway I was busy watching the wasp to not get stung by it in the apartment that I born. Then people and I stop infront of an elevator which seems that is not so dangerous place from the wasp. People and I were standing infront of the elevator and we were not getting in. Then there was a mouth attached to the elevator. The mouth told me something as a foretune teller. I don't clearly remember the content of it but I felt a bit positive about what I've heard.
Wasp
To see a wasp in you dream, signifies evil, anger and negative feelings. Alternatively, the wasp represents someone who is a WASP or White Anglo-Saxon Protestant. Perhaps you are dealing with some aspects of society or politics.
I think in my dream the wasp was representing negative feeling.
Elevator
To dream that the elevator is out of order or that it is not letting you off, symbolizes that your emotions have gotten out of control. It may be a reflection of your life or your career. You are feeling stuck in some aspect of your life, whether
it is your career, relationship, etc.
In the dream there was no indication that elevator is out of order. I just didn't get in to the elevator. I was just standing outside of the elevator toward a door.
Mouth
To see a mouth in your dream, signifies your need to express yourself or talk about an issue that's bothering you.Alternatively, the dream suggests that you have said too much and you need to keep your mouth shut.
I think it's about my issue. But if I need to express, how do I do? Write it? Talking to myself? I don't have a proper person to talk about it now.
Apartment
To dream about an apartment, symbolizes a financial or situational state. To dream of a large, lavish apartment, indicates an increase to your financial situation or an improvement to your family life. To dream of a shabby and dark apartment, indicates misfortune and possible loss.
I definitly have financial difficulty and situational state is not satisfying at all. The apartment is the one I born, so it is old but not shabby or dark. It's normal and average quality. In the dream, there was no impression or feeling about quality of the apartment.
Wasp
To see a wasp in you dream, signifies evil, anger and negative feelings. Alternatively, the wasp represents someone who is a WASP or White Anglo-Saxon Protestant. Perhaps you are dealing with some aspects of society or politics.
I think in my dream the wasp was representing negative feeling.
Elevator
To dream that the elevator is out of order or that it is not letting you off, symbolizes that your emotions have gotten out of control. It may be a reflection of your life or your career. You are feeling stuck in some aspect of your life, whether
it is your career, relationship, etc.
In the dream there was no indication that elevator is out of order. I just didn't get in to the elevator. I was just standing outside of the elevator toward a door.
Mouth
To see a mouth in your dream, signifies your need to express yourself or talk about an issue that's bothering you.Alternatively, the dream suggests that you have said too much and you need to keep your mouth shut.
I think it's about my issue. But if I need to express, how do I do? Write it? Talking to myself? I don't have a proper person to talk about it now.
Apartment
To dream about an apartment, symbolizes a financial or situational state. To dream of a large, lavish apartment, indicates an increase to your financial situation or an improvement to your family life. To dream of a shabby and dark apartment, indicates misfortune and possible loss.
I definitly have financial difficulty and situational state is not satisfying at all. The apartment is the one I born, so it is old but not shabby or dark. It's normal and average quality. In the dream, there was no impression or feeling about quality of the apartment.
Last night dream was about ingaging with nuclear bomb threat and running around to deal with it. It's first time dream about nuclear bomb.
Recently I aware again of my sensitivity toward certain actions and emotion in interaction with a person. And that seems to be quite a serious issue that I must overcome. I want to overcome and not repeat this nervous emotional experience again. Or maybe it is tendency and trait cannot be changed so I need to be good at managing it well.
Nuclear Bomb
To dream of a nuclear bomb, suggests feelings of helplessness and loss of control. You are experiencing some strong hostility and rage, where it is nearly destructive. Important changes are about to occur.�You may also be expressing a desire to wipe out some aspect of yourself. Alternatively, the nuclear bomb serves as an indication that something crucial and precious to you has ended.
Bomb Shelter
To dream that you are in a bomb shelter, suggests that you are being overly protective with some emotion or aspect of your waking life. You are trying to keep your unexpressed feeling from coming to the surface.
Recently I aware again of my sensitivity toward certain actions and emotion in interaction with a person. And that seems to be quite a serious issue that I must overcome. I want to overcome and not repeat this nervous emotional experience again. Or maybe it is tendency and trait cannot be changed so I need to be good at managing it well.
Nuclear Bomb
To dream of a nuclear bomb, suggests feelings of helplessness and loss of control. You are experiencing some strong hostility and rage, where it is nearly destructive. Important changes are about to occur.�You may also be expressing a desire to wipe out some aspect of yourself. Alternatively, the nuclear bomb serves as an indication that something crucial and precious to you has ended.
Bomb Shelter
To dream that you are in a bomb shelter, suggests that you are being overly protective with some emotion or aspect of your waking life. You are trying to keep your unexpressed feeling from coming to the surface.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Too many things in life goes interestingly and beyond my will and power
Sagittarius Horoscope for December 2010
By Susan Miller
December is an important month on so many levels, not only because it's birthday time. There will be a lot of planetary actions, both positive and challenging, but each in their own way will work to protect you, even if that fact is not immediately obvious.
Mars has been in your sign since October 28 and will leave December 7, so you have had (and will continue to have for one more week) a superb opportunity to start a new chapter in your life. Mars only gives us seven weeks of his time every two years, and you have that advantage now.
While you have Mars in your sign, you are the leader of the zodiac. You will be brave and determined, ready to do whatever it takes to be successful. Mars is about to leave Sagittarius, but happily, the new moon is coming into Sagittarius on December 5, your annual birthday gift to use in any way you choose. Saturn will be friendly, so anything you do will have special gravitas, and you can begin to build a firm foundation. Think about one part of your life that you'd like to improve, and take a baby step toward attaining that goal.
If you were born on or within five days of December 5 you will find that this new moon will help you in a special way.
If there is a special VIP you would like to see in December, you have to act fast, however, because Mercury is about to retrograde first in Capricorn and later in Sagittarius from December 10 to 30.
Mercury in this mode will slow you down, but there's no reason to be frustrated because the coming delays, in an odd way, will work to benefit you. Just realize that you will not be able to finalize any important deals or make any big decisions or announcements until January. You can, however, do research, stage talks, and negotiate contracts, but simply keep things flexible because things will change as you go along. That's fine! That's life!
Shopping for the holidays will be troublesome in December. Mercury rules commerce, including buying, selling, leasing, negotiating, reaching agreements, and signing contracts. Shipping and all transportation also come under Mercury. When Mercury goes out of phase for three-and-a-half weeks every 12 weeks, these areas weaken and go haywire. Buy apparel, jewelry, perfume, gourmet foods, and anything you like (except electronics, see below) from December 1 to 5, but after that, you will be getting just too close to Mercury's retrograde onset.
Moving parts and electronics are ruled by Mercury too, which is why it is never wise to buy a computer, flat screen TV, smartphone, or any other high-end electronic while Mercury is retrograde or even before, as it prepares to retrograde. If you want to give someone a gift of a high tech item, do so by giving a gift certificate to a retail store you know your recipient loves to visit.
A questionnaire given to a wide variety of people this year revealed most people, approximately 67 percent, preferred to get cash over a gift for the holidays. If you have a beloved family member, such as a sister or a teen child, you need not worry that a cash gift is too impersonal - it will be appreciated! This represents a big shift in society, so it's news. I still like to make as much of an effort as possible! I love Christmas! Still, in a month when Mercury is making shopping so perilous, I am taking note of this study.
It's never wise to take a new job, get engaged, start a business, or make any radical changes in your life during these Mercury retrograde phases. Next month, on January 4, you will have a solar eclipse in your earned income sector (second house). If you were planning to conclude a business deal soon, it would be best to get the message of that eclipse first, before you sign on the dotted line.
Romantically, the total eclipse of the moon on December 21 in Gemini at 29 degrees could bring emotional drama, especially if you were born near the end of your sign from December 17- 21. The focus will be a serious relationship, in love or business.
This bears repeating: This eclipse might NOT affect your close romantic relationship, but hone in instead on someone you are very close to in business, such as an agent, business partner, manager, publicist, or other person you work with closely in a one-on-one way. I do not want to make you worried about a close romantic relationship if there is no need. On the other hand, if you have been unhappy for a long time, then this eclipse is certainly strong enough to break you apart. Remember, though, if you were not born near the end of your sign, you are far less likely to feel anything.
You have hosted Venus in your twelfth house of secrets for a very long time, since September 8. This placement of Venus is often associated with a clandestine affair, so if that describes one you've been having, when the eclipse comes by December 21, or when Venus moves into Sagittarius January 7 next month, that relationship may come out in the open. You may want to be prepared for that eventuality.
One reason this month's December 21 eclipse could prove to be troublesome is that it will fall directly on the solstice, which means it will be more powerful than most eclipses. Solstice points represent the life force, so it's very strong - and we haven't had an eclipse this powerful since 2001. Another reason I expect trouble is that Uranus will act up in a big way, for he will be in tight, challenging position to the Sun and moon.
The whole area of real estate and property is being brought into the discussion of the eclipse because Uranus will be so active on December 21, and Uranus is currently in your fourth house of home. As a result of this eclipse, you may move to a new address, or a family member may create news, and in both cases, this would happen quite out of the blue. If you are currently living with your sweetheart, you may suddenly decide to move out.
This home and property sector rules not only physical property you buy, sell, or lease, but also the people with whom you share your space (romantic lover, roommate, or immediate family). It rules also the people you hire to help you with your space (contractors, decorators, or maintenance help) or people who you deal with to maintain, sell, or do other things for your space (buyers, sellers, tenants, landlord, or broker). This house also rules your parents or adoptive parents, for your fourth house of home is considered the "cradle of life." One of these individuals listed here may be an important big focus now.
If you are in the process of a making a real estate deal, keep your eye on your buyer or seller (as the case may be) because your deal may unexpectedly fall through due to an outside circumstance beyond your control. You are in a very volatile time right now.
This month's vibrations are complex, so I need to clarify something for you. Uranus will go direct on December 5, so you will see clues in the days surrounding that date that you will soon be able to settle domestic and family goals in a way that will thrill you. Your ruling planet, good fortune Jupiter, is also in this house, protecting you, so you really have excellent home-related vibrations. As you see, it's only the December 21 eclipse that is throwing a monkey wrench into the situation now, but I suspect that the problems you might be experiencing are trying to protect you.
View whatever happens this month as completely in your interest. Jupiter, the planet of growth and happiness, will continue to guard your house of home and family until January 22. Stay optimistic!
Money seems to be a key element to understanding your motivations this month. Mars will be going through your second house of income and resources from December 7 to January 15, causing your expenses to rise. You may be concerned about having enough money to get you thorough the coming months, or be very focused on finding new sources of income - or both.
The eclipses that have been coming by in the Cancer-Capricorn series since July 2009 have also been creating shifts in your income as well as your general attitude toward money. One source of income you thought was solid and permanent may have suddenly dried up, recently or last year. This may explain why money may be such a big focal point in your life now, because generally for Sagittarius, money is not commonly the center of your universe.
This family of eclipses is not quite over yet, and next month we will see the next to the last one, in Capricorn on January 4. That one, a new moon solar eclipse, may help you generate more income. I truly think it will help you, so before you make any deals, you need to wait and see what that eclipse brings.
Watch your health closely, too. Whenever we have eclipses either in our sign or our opposite sign, as you do this month, it's important to watch for any changes in health or vitality. If any health concern comes up that seems odd or out of the ordinary, have it checked by a medical or dental professional. It may be nothing, but how much better to know that it is nothing serious than wonder.
If anything were wrong, you would want to nip it in the bud now, so that you can be quickly on your way to feeling your best again. An eclipse will always show up a weakness if any exists, but if none do, you will sail though this period easily. My comments here are being addressed to you if your birthday falls within the period of December 17 to 21.
If you would like to read more about eclipses, you can read my article, "How to Deal with Eclipses" that I prepared for you by clicking here: http://www.astrologyzone.com/eclipses
Romantically, if you are happily attached or just eager to go to parties to try to meet someone new, you have a number of happy evenings coming up. Here is my list, but realize that what's to come in 2011 will be far better! You will notice I included New Year's Eve December 31 - the moon will be in Sagittarius, so that night is made for you!
Your most romantic dates include: December 1, 4, 5, 9, 10, 14, 15, 23, 24, and 31.
Summary
Birthday time has you excited and in a social mood. The new moon on December 5 will be in Sagittarius, boosting your enthusiasm for life and your new birthday year ahead.
This time, rather than cross your fingers that one of your friends will throw you a party, you might just decide to throw one for yourself - at home. With Jupiter and Uranus brightening your fourth house of home and property, you've got the right idea.
Wonderful things are emanating from home now, as that's your sweet spot. Uranus will go direct December 5 after having been retrograde for months, since July, so all matters that fall under home, property, and family (especially parents) will get a big push ahead this month and in months ahead.
If you have big plans, say, to lease a new apartment, buy a house, make over your kitchen, or something else on a similar scale, you will have ideal aspects to see results in January's first three weeks, but not now. In fact, next month you may get the best price on just about anything home-related, whether buying a new couch or hiring a contractor. You'll have additional luck with finding a buyer for your house or a tenant for your open apartment, or in buying a house.
This month will bring unanticipated snags and reversals due to Mercury in retrograde from December 10 to 30 and Uranus in hard angle to the December 21 eclipse. It's never wise to make verbal or written agreements or to launch new ventures during Mercury in retrograde, so sit tight.
Additionally, as is always the case with Mercury retrograde, delays will begin to stack up in the days PRIOR to the date Mercury begins its backward move, making this a particularly tricky shopping season. Before you head to the stores, arm yourself with the correct sizes, preferences, and shipping information. Buying gift cards or giving old-fashioned cash could be your best bet. (Excluding little children of course who want toys!) Shop from December 1-5 for most things, but avoid buying electronic items - instead get a gift certificate.
With Mars about to tear through your second house from December 5 to January 15, your expenses will rise noticeably. Spend wisely.
A powerful full moon lunar eclipse in Gemini is about to arrive on December 21, bringing an important issue with a close romantic or business partner to the surface quite suddenly. This eclipse will also give you insight into the character of someone close, most likely a romantic partner.
There seems to be an unexpected development brewing involving a housing or property matter related to this issue, or it could be that you will feel tensions emanating from family and getting in the way, possibly concerning their feelings about your relationship. If you are thinking of moving out and no longer living with your romantic partner, this change may be causing ripples in your life.
Keep in mind that having problems with real estate would be a fluke, due only to this eclipse. You have your own ruling planet, good fortune Jupiter in this house, guarding it and bringing all kinds of options and opportunities. Jupiter is currently making your home your luckiest part of your chart, so you might say, "How could this be the unstable part of my life?"
The answer is: Uranus is there too, shoulder to shoulder to Jupiter, which is usually a fortunate vibration. However, Uranus will be a bad boy this month, acting up and causing a ruckus. Somehow I feel Uranus and the others will protect you from something, so view all events as ones in your favor. You will be too close to it all to have any perspective for a few weeks.
As is true with all eclipses, something ends and something else begins. Be careful what you say at this time, because with Mercury in retrograde, the proclivity for miscommunications could create massive, unnecessary complications.
What makes it tough is you won't see this issue coming and it could knock you off kilter just as the holiday is approaching. Protect your health, as sometimes eclipses are very draining. This eclipse will be opposite your Sun if you are born December 17-21, so it is possible you may have to address a health issue. If anything comes up, pay attention. Eclipses bring truth to the surface - keep a watchful eye.
The moon will be in Sagittarius on New Year's Eve, so hopefully you can be with friends or a sweetheart / spouse on this lovely evening. As said, if you are not invited to a party, ask several friends over to your place to ring in the New Year quietly, stylishly, and elegantly. 2011 will bring glorious love - the kind that make great love stories - and even plans to welcome a baby. You have much to celebrate and a wonderful New Year ahead!
Dates to Note for Sagittarius:
The new moon December 5 will be in Sagittarius, your time to draw up plans for your new birthday year. Don't set them in motion just yet. Wait for Mercury to stop retrograding.
Mercury will be retrograde (from Capricorn into Sagittarius) from December 10 to 30. You will feel the effects all month, as we always feel Mercury begin to turn two weeks earlier. It takes 2 or 3 days for things to even out after it goes direct.
Mars will be in your sign until December 7, giving you the most control during the first week.
When Uranus moves direct on December 5, you will see plans for home and property moving forward with much more vigor in the coming seven months.
When Mars tours Capricorn, from December 7 to January 15, you will spend more than usual. Try not to spend too much this month (hopefully you shopped last month), as spending with Mercury retrograde for expensive things and electronics is not wise.
Protect your health as you get closer to December 21 and in weeks ahead. Eclipses can bring strain, and sometimes show up latent problems that need to be fixed.
The lunar eclipse on December 21 could bring tension to a relationship, romantic or business in nature. A housing or family matter appears to be at the heart of the problem.
Your most romantic dates include: December 1, 4, 5, 9, 10, 14, 15, 23, 24, and 31.
By Susan Miller
December is an important month on so many levels, not only because it's birthday time. There will be a lot of planetary actions, both positive and challenging, but each in their own way will work to protect you, even if that fact is not immediately obvious.
Mars has been in your sign since October 28 and will leave December 7, so you have had (and will continue to have for one more week) a superb opportunity to start a new chapter in your life. Mars only gives us seven weeks of his time every two years, and you have that advantage now.
While you have Mars in your sign, you are the leader of the zodiac. You will be brave and determined, ready to do whatever it takes to be successful. Mars is about to leave Sagittarius, but happily, the new moon is coming into Sagittarius on December 5, your annual birthday gift to use in any way you choose. Saturn will be friendly, so anything you do will have special gravitas, and you can begin to build a firm foundation. Think about one part of your life that you'd like to improve, and take a baby step toward attaining that goal.
If you were born on or within five days of December 5 you will find that this new moon will help you in a special way.
If there is a special VIP you would like to see in December, you have to act fast, however, because Mercury is about to retrograde first in Capricorn and later in Sagittarius from December 10 to 30.
Mercury in this mode will slow you down, but there's no reason to be frustrated because the coming delays, in an odd way, will work to benefit you. Just realize that you will not be able to finalize any important deals or make any big decisions or announcements until January. You can, however, do research, stage talks, and negotiate contracts, but simply keep things flexible because things will change as you go along. That's fine! That's life!
Shopping for the holidays will be troublesome in December. Mercury rules commerce, including buying, selling, leasing, negotiating, reaching agreements, and signing contracts. Shipping and all transportation also come under Mercury. When Mercury goes out of phase for three-and-a-half weeks every 12 weeks, these areas weaken and go haywire. Buy apparel, jewelry, perfume, gourmet foods, and anything you like (except electronics, see below) from December 1 to 5, but after that, you will be getting just too close to Mercury's retrograde onset.
Moving parts and electronics are ruled by Mercury too, which is why it is never wise to buy a computer, flat screen TV, smartphone, or any other high-end electronic while Mercury is retrograde or even before, as it prepares to retrograde. If you want to give someone a gift of a high tech item, do so by giving a gift certificate to a retail store you know your recipient loves to visit.
A questionnaire given to a wide variety of people this year revealed most people, approximately 67 percent, preferred to get cash over a gift for the holidays. If you have a beloved family member, such as a sister or a teen child, you need not worry that a cash gift is too impersonal - it will be appreciated! This represents a big shift in society, so it's news. I still like to make as much of an effort as possible! I love Christmas! Still, in a month when Mercury is making shopping so perilous, I am taking note of this study.
It's never wise to take a new job, get engaged, start a business, or make any radical changes in your life during these Mercury retrograde phases. Next month, on January 4, you will have a solar eclipse in your earned income sector (second house). If you were planning to conclude a business deal soon, it would be best to get the message of that eclipse first, before you sign on the dotted line.
Romantically, the total eclipse of the moon on December 21 in Gemini at 29 degrees could bring emotional drama, especially if you were born near the end of your sign from December 17- 21. The focus will be a serious relationship, in love or business.
This bears repeating: This eclipse might NOT affect your close romantic relationship, but hone in instead on someone you are very close to in business, such as an agent, business partner, manager, publicist, or other person you work with closely in a one-on-one way. I do not want to make you worried about a close romantic relationship if there is no need. On the other hand, if you have been unhappy for a long time, then this eclipse is certainly strong enough to break you apart. Remember, though, if you were not born near the end of your sign, you are far less likely to feel anything.
You have hosted Venus in your twelfth house of secrets for a very long time, since September 8. This placement of Venus is often associated with a clandestine affair, so if that describes one you've been having, when the eclipse comes by December 21, or when Venus moves into Sagittarius January 7 next month, that relationship may come out in the open. You may want to be prepared for that eventuality.
One reason this month's December 21 eclipse could prove to be troublesome is that it will fall directly on the solstice, which means it will be more powerful than most eclipses. Solstice points represent the life force, so it's very strong - and we haven't had an eclipse this powerful since 2001. Another reason I expect trouble is that Uranus will act up in a big way, for he will be in tight, challenging position to the Sun and moon.
The whole area of real estate and property is being brought into the discussion of the eclipse because Uranus will be so active on December 21, and Uranus is currently in your fourth house of home. As a result of this eclipse, you may move to a new address, or a family member may create news, and in both cases, this would happen quite out of the blue. If you are currently living with your sweetheart, you may suddenly decide to move out.
This home and property sector rules not only physical property you buy, sell, or lease, but also the people with whom you share your space (romantic lover, roommate, or immediate family). It rules also the people you hire to help you with your space (contractors, decorators, or maintenance help) or people who you deal with to maintain, sell, or do other things for your space (buyers, sellers, tenants, landlord, or broker). This house also rules your parents or adoptive parents, for your fourth house of home is considered the "cradle of life." One of these individuals listed here may be an important big focus now.
If you are in the process of a making a real estate deal, keep your eye on your buyer or seller (as the case may be) because your deal may unexpectedly fall through due to an outside circumstance beyond your control. You are in a very volatile time right now.
This month's vibrations are complex, so I need to clarify something for you. Uranus will go direct on December 5, so you will see clues in the days surrounding that date that you will soon be able to settle domestic and family goals in a way that will thrill you. Your ruling planet, good fortune Jupiter, is also in this house, protecting you, so you really have excellent home-related vibrations. As you see, it's only the December 21 eclipse that is throwing a monkey wrench into the situation now, but I suspect that the problems you might be experiencing are trying to protect you.
View whatever happens this month as completely in your interest. Jupiter, the planet of growth and happiness, will continue to guard your house of home and family until January 22. Stay optimistic!
Money seems to be a key element to understanding your motivations this month. Mars will be going through your second house of income and resources from December 7 to January 15, causing your expenses to rise. You may be concerned about having enough money to get you thorough the coming months, or be very focused on finding new sources of income - or both.
The eclipses that have been coming by in the Cancer-Capricorn series since July 2009 have also been creating shifts in your income as well as your general attitude toward money. One source of income you thought was solid and permanent may have suddenly dried up, recently or last year. This may explain why money may be such a big focal point in your life now, because generally for Sagittarius, money is not commonly the center of your universe.
This family of eclipses is not quite over yet, and next month we will see the next to the last one, in Capricorn on January 4. That one, a new moon solar eclipse, may help you generate more income. I truly think it will help you, so before you make any deals, you need to wait and see what that eclipse brings.
Watch your health closely, too. Whenever we have eclipses either in our sign or our opposite sign, as you do this month, it's important to watch for any changes in health or vitality. If any health concern comes up that seems odd or out of the ordinary, have it checked by a medical or dental professional. It may be nothing, but how much better to know that it is nothing serious than wonder.
If anything were wrong, you would want to nip it in the bud now, so that you can be quickly on your way to feeling your best again. An eclipse will always show up a weakness if any exists, but if none do, you will sail though this period easily. My comments here are being addressed to you if your birthday falls within the period of December 17 to 21.
If you would like to read more about eclipses, you can read my article, "How to Deal with Eclipses" that I prepared for you by clicking here: http://www.astrologyzone.com/eclipses
Romantically, if you are happily attached or just eager to go to parties to try to meet someone new, you have a number of happy evenings coming up. Here is my list, but realize that what's to come in 2011 will be far better! You will notice I included New Year's Eve December 31 - the moon will be in Sagittarius, so that night is made for you!
Your most romantic dates include: December 1, 4, 5, 9, 10, 14, 15, 23, 24, and 31.
Summary
Birthday time has you excited and in a social mood. The new moon on December 5 will be in Sagittarius, boosting your enthusiasm for life and your new birthday year ahead.
This time, rather than cross your fingers that one of your friends will throw you a party, you might just decide to throw one for yourself - at home. With Jupiter and Uranus brightening your fourth house of home and property, you've got the right idea.
Wonderful things are emanating from home now, as that's your sweet spot. Uranus will go direct December 5 after having been retrograde for months, since July, so all matters that fall under home, property, and family (especially parents) will get a big push ahead this month and in months ahead.
If you have big plans, say, to lease a new apartment, buy a house, make over your kitchen, or something else on a similar scale, you will have ideal aspects to see results in January's first three weeks, but not now. In fact, next month you may get the best price on just about anything home-related, whether buying a new couch or hiring a contractor. You'll have additional luck with finding a buyer for your house or a tenant for your open apartment, or in buying a house.
This month will bring unanticipated snags and reversals due to Mercury in retrograde from December 10 to 30 and Uranus in hard angle to the December 21 eclipse. It's never wise to make verbal or written agreements or to launch new ventures during Mercury in retrograde, so sit tight.
Additionally, as is always the case with Mercury retrograde, delays will begin to stack up in the days PRIOR to the date Mercury begins its backward move, making this a particularly tricky shopping season. Before you head to the stores, arm yourself with the correct sizes, preferences, and shipping information. Buying gift cards or giving old-fashioned cash could be your best bet. (Excluding little children of course who want toys!) Shop from December 1-5 for most things, but avoid buying electronic items - instead get a gift certificate.
With Mars about to tear through your second house from December 5 to January 15, your expenses will rise noticeably. Spend wisely.
A powerful full moon lunar eclipse in Gemini is about to arrive on December 21, bringing an important issue with a close romantic or business partner to the surface quite suddenly. This eclipse will also give you insight into the character of someone close, most likely a romantic partner.
There seems to be an unexpected development brewing involving a housing or property matter related to this issue, or it could be that you will feel tensions emanating from family and getting in the way, possibly concerning their feelings about your relationship. If you are thinking of moving out and no longer living with your romantic partner, this change may be causing ripples in your life.
Keep in mind that having problems with real estate would be a fluke, due only to this eclipse. You have your own ruling planet, good fortune Jupiter in this house, guarding it and bringing all kinds of options and opportunities. Jupiter is currently making your home your luckiest part of your chart, so you might say, "How could this be the unstable part of my life?"
The answer is: Uranus is there too, shoulder to shoulder to Jupiter, which is usually a fortunate vibration. However, Uranus will be a bad boy this month, acting up and causing a ruckus. Somehow I feel Uranus and the others will protect you from something, so view all events as ones in your favor. You will be too close to it all to have any perspective for a few weeks.
As is true with all eclipses, something ends and something else begins. Be careful what you say at this time, because with Mercury in retrograde, the proclivity for miscommunications could create massive, unnecessary complications.
What makes it tough is you won't see this issue coming and it could knock you off kilter just as the holiday is approaching. Protect your health, as sometimes eclipses are very draining. This eclipse will be opposite your Sun if you are born December 17-21, so it is possible you may have to address a health issue. If anything comes up, pay attention. Eclipses bring truth to the surface - keep a watchful eye.
The moon will be in Sagittarius on New Year's Eve, so hopefully you can be with friends or a sweetheart / spouse on this lovely evening. As said, if you are not invited to a party, ask several friends over to your place to ring in the New Year quietly, stylishly, and elegantly. 2011 will bring glorious love - the kind that make great love stories - and even plans to welcome a baby. You have much to celebrate and a wonderful New Year ahead!
Dates to Note for Sagittarius:
The new moon December 5 will be in Sagittarius, your time to draw up plans for your new birthday year. Don't set them in motion just yet. Wait for Mercury to stop retrograding.
Mercury will be retrograde (from Capricorn into Sagittarius) from December 10 to 30. You will feel the effects all month, as we always feel Mercury begin to turn two weeks earlier. It takes 2 or 3 days for things to even out after it goes direct.
Mars will be in your sign until December 7, giving you the most control during the first week.
When Uranus moves direct on December 5, you will see plans for home and property moving forward with much more vigor in the coming seven months.
When Mars tours Capricorn, from December 7 to January 15, you will spend more than usual. Try not to spend too much this month (hopefully you shopped last month), as spending with Mercury retrograde for expensive things and electronics is not wise.
Protect your health as you get closer to December 21 and in weeks ahead. Eclipses can bring strain, and sometimes show up latent problems that need to be fixed.
The lunar eclipse on December 21 could bring tension to a relationship, romantic or business in nature. A housing or family matter appears to be at the heart of the problem.
Your most romantic dates include: December 1, 4, 5, 9, 10, 14, 15, 23, 24, and 31.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
I was web searching about flea market for Natasha. I clicked into one blog among several link of web pages. Then I looked at pictures of flea market then there was a guy who took the picture who looks familiar...soon the name of that guy poped up on my mind. Yet I was not certain of him. Then I checked more of his blog and watched some videos that he uploaded. His blog was pretty much about bicycle trick but more I watched his videos and pictures I felt the guy is one that I know. Soon I found profile of him in the blog. Then there was same name that I thought of him. The guy was a fellow soldier in my army service time. The peculiar feeling very strong and mixed emotion started to arouse. There was bit of excitement that same feeling as I meet somebody from past again which made me smile. And nervousness, shock. How odd is that that randomly encounter a person that I know from over seven years ago on internet and one-sided way? Soon I read his profile my perception very quickly started to gather and collaborate all the data of him from my memory and what I see now in his blog. He wrote what he likes and dislikes on his profile and I can connect that to his behaviour in the past army time. Then his characteristic is not difficult to talk what it is. Many things about his characteristic occur me to feel resistance and distance. He is extrovert, simple minded, has no philosophy nor conviction, doesn't like analysis, retrospect, complex thought or concerpt, has no heaviness in feeling and emotion, likes cool look, childish sensation, never read a book. It's childish of me that I don't even like his face and body type. We are a being that are not enemy to each other by hate but absolute indifference toward each other. Doesn't occur noticible amount of attraction but it occurs curiosity about being so different in dinstinct way. How these two beings can make harmony in one world? Co existence is possible but not inter-dependent or synergy can come out of its relation. Even good and evil, cop and criminal, writer and haters can stimulate each other to become stronger by reacting to one another. Although if reaction is distructive fight or battle there is still development from a fight by what they have to pull out.
Anyway what really odd is the overwhelming feeling. My heart was beating fast and strong and that is same reaction when by chance encounter a woman that I used to like very much in the past. The nervousness. So I wonder why I felt that to a guy who is not even used to be a friend. Is there any anger or guilty toward him? No. Sure there were awful guys from Army experience that brings bad memory. But they were all senior to me so that they had authority and power over me and they abused it. But with this guy I was six months senior to him which is moderate gap of rank between him and I. And everybody who was with me there knew that I never abused the power over them and there were no irrational punishment and no physical violation of my action there were only psychological lecture like attacks that gives them stress. I didn't do such things that I ought to feel guilt to him. And yet he disliked me and not respected me I know that fact. Army life is sure easier for people like him, act simple as animal and no questioning no reasoning just do and follow orders in a way that is easiest for them. So is this uncomfortable feeling and dislike of him is about resistance toward the characteristic that I don't want to be? Or is this feeling because of horrendous memory of army time aroused again? It really got me think what would I do if I see him in person face to face? Probably the feeling is same then how I react? Would I even acknowledge him initiatively? Since pretending as not recognize a person is not my behaviour I would not do that. And I would not present fake excitement or niceness. In the past I thought about something similar to this situation. What if I meet by chance the guys that I hated in the Army? What would I feel and what would I do? I think the reason why I asked that questions is because of subconscious which is fear of feeling that negative emotions again and fear of unknown but perhaps destructive, impulsive reactions of myself as consequence of the event.
Anyway what really odd is the overwhelming feeling. My heart was beating fast and strong and that is same reaction when by chance encounter a woman that I used to like very much in the past. The nervousness. So I wonder why I felt that to a guy who is not even used to be a friend. Is there any anger or guilty toward him? No. Sure there were awful guys from Army experience that brings bad memory. But they were all senior to me so that they had authority and power over me and they abused it. But with this guy I was six months senior to him which is moderate gap of rank between him and I. And everybody who was with me there knew that I never abused the power over them and there were no irrational punishment and no physical violation of my action there were only psychological lecture like attacks that gives them stress. I didn't do such things that I ought to feel guilt to him. And yet he disliked me and not respected me I know that fact. Army life is sure easier for people like him, act simple as animal and no questioning no reasoning just do and follow orders in a way that is easiest for them. So is this uncomfortable feeling and dislike of him is about resistance toward the characteristic that I don't want to be? Or is this feeling because of horrendous memory of army time aroused again? It really got me think what would I do if I see him in person face to face? Probably the feeling is same then how I react? Would I even acknowledge him initiatively? Since pretending as not recognize a person is not my behaviour I would not do that. And I would not present fake excitement or niceness. In the past I thought about something similar to this situation. What if I meet by chance the guys that I hated in the Army? What would I feel and what would I do? I think the reason why I asked that questions is because of subconscious which is fear of feeling that negative emotions again and fear of unknown but perhaps destructive, impulsive reactions of myself as consequence of the event.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
jgjkafhgfdkghjlsgssdgeiqovnnnxc.v,neroihvc/k;l/
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Yesterday Natalia said, "Everybody don't get what they deserve, everybody get what falls into them."
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I think often I use envyous feeling as motivation to acomplish something. As a person who has big ego it is not suprising. That's the greediness of ego to be excellent and to do well in activities that I like. Result can be something constructive for me but it seems I hate one whom I envy and it hurts. So the process is painful.
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my energy is not concentrated to few matters and subjects but too complicated
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qrqrwrrqgdshg
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qwdvberghmyupokjnvfrzdfghioiuhgbn
This is the state of my mind now and it is manifestation of it. So it has order in disorder of random typing. But I cannot even comprehend it because it does not mean to understand in language. So I cannot explain my state of being in language clearly enough. Because of this reason every attempt to be understood by anybody will be failed. Feeling and state of feeling can only be connected by same feeling and state of feeling. More I talk or write will cause more distortion and error of that form of expression.
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Yesterday Natalia said, "Everybody don't get what they deserve, everybody get what falls into them."
===============================================================================
I think often I use envyous feeling as motivation to acomplish something. As a person who has big ego it is not suprising. That's the greediness of ego to be excellent and to do well in activities that I like. Result can be something constructive for me but it seems I hate one whom I envy and it hurts. So the process is painful.
================================================================================
my energy is not concentrated to few matters and subjects but too complicated
=================================================================================
qrqrwrrqgdshg
================================================
qwdvberghmyupokjnvfrzdfghioiuhgbn
This is the state of my mind now and it is manifestation of it. So it has order in disorder of random typing. But I cannot even comprehend it because it does not mean to understand in language. So I cannot explain my state of being in language clearly enough. Because of this reason every attempt to be understood by anybody will be failed. Feeling and state of feeling can only be connected by same feeling and state of feeling. More I talk or write will cause more distortion and error of that form of expression.
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Saturday, November 27, 2010
2010-11-27 dream
Hostage
To dream that you are a hostage, indicates that you are feeling victimized or powerless. You feel limited in your choices or physically immobilized. Perhaps this dream is paralleling some situation/difficulties in your daily life or relationship. Alternatively, to dream that you are a hostage suggests that a part of yourself is not fully expressed.
To dream that you are a hostage, indicates that you are feeling victimized or powerless. You feel limited in your choices or physically immobilized. Perhaps this dream is paralleling some situation/difficulties in your daily life or relationship. Alternatively, to dream that you are a hostage suggests that a part of yourself is not fully expressed.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Sunday, October 31, 2010
2010-11-01 last night dream
Last night dream was long and several. It is rare remembering this much long and many. They probably were 3 big phases and each phase contains two or three different seperate scene/theme.
Concert
To dream that you are at a concert, represents harmony and cooperation in a situation or relationship in your waking life. You are experiencing an uplift in your spirits
Band
To see a band or play with a band in your dream, represents a sense of community and belonging. The dream may also be a pun on banding together and need for cooperation/unity.
Party
To dream that you are at a party, suggests that you need to get out more and enjoy yourself
Kiss
If you are kissed by a stranger, then your dream is one of self-discovery. You need to get more acquainted with some aspect of yourself.
Actor
To see a particular actor or actress in your dream, look at the role they are playing. Even though you may not know them on a personal level, how you perceive them or the characters they play can provide understanding in how it relates to you
Celebrity
To dream that you are good friends with a celebrity, represents your idealized version of someone you know in your life. Perhaps you hope that a real-life friend can act more like a particular celebrity. Consider the qualities that you see in this celebrity and how you want your friends to have those qualities.�Alternatively, the dream may be trying to compensate for your own lack of self-confidence. You want to escape from your own reality and live the high life. You want to fit in.
water
To see muddy or dirty water in your dream, indicates that you are wallowing in your negative emotions. You may need to take some time to cleanse your mind and find internal peace. Alternatively, the dream suggests that your thinking/judgment is unclear and clouded.
Anaconda
To see an anaconda in your dream, symbolizes your creativity and potential. This snakes also calls attention to your sexuality and your need to be more in tune with your own sexuality
Monster
To dream that you are chased or followed by a monster, represents aspects of yourself that you find repulsive and ugly. You may possess some fears or some repressed emotions. Try to confront the monster in your dream and figure out who or what aspect of yourself the monster represents.
Runaway
To dream that you are a runaway, indicates that you are struggling with issues of belonging and acceptance. Alternatively, the dream means that you are refusing to confront some issue or situation.
In particular, if you are running from an attacker or any danger, then it suggests that you are not facing and confronting your fears
Nightmare
To dream that you are having a nightmare, suggests that you are being overly indulgent and living a life of excess. You need to tone it down and allow the mind and body to rest and heal. Alternatively, the dream may mean that you are experiencing a setback toward your goals. You need to learn to take a negative and turn it into a positive.
Concert
To dream that you are at a concert, represents harmony and cooperation in a situation or relationship in your waking life. You are experiencing an uplift in your spirits
Band
To see a band or play with a band in your dream, represents a sense of community and belonging. The dream may also be a pun on banding together and need for cooperation/unity.
Party
To dream that you are at a party, suggests that you need to get out more and enjoy yourself
Kiss
If you are kissed by a stranger, then your dream is one of self-discovery. You need to get more acquainted with some aspect of yourself.
Actor
To see a particular actor or actress in your dream, look at the role they are playing. Even though you may not know them on a personal level, how you perceive them or the characters they play can provide understanding in how it relates to you
Celebrity
To dream that you are good friends with a celebrity, represents your idealized version of someone you know in your life. Perhaps you hope that a real-life friend can act more like a particular celebrity. Consider the qualities that you see in this celebrity and how you want your friends to have those qualities.�Alternatively, the dream may be trying to compensate for your own lack of self-confidence. You want to escape from your own reality and live the high life. You want to fit in.
water
To see muddy or dirty water in your dream, indicates that you are wallowing in your negative emotions. You may need to take some time to cleanse your mind and find internal peace. Alternatively, the dream suggests that your thinking/judgment is unclear and clouded.
Anaconda
To see an anaconda in your dream, symbolizes your creativity and potential. This snakes also calls attention to your sexuality and your need to be more in tune with your own sexuality
Monster
To dream that you are chased or followed by a monster, represents aspects of yourself that you find repulsive and ugly. You may possess some fears or some repressed emotions. Try to confront the monster in your dream and figure out who or what aspect of yourself the monster represents.
Runaway
To dream that you are a runaway, indicates that you are struggling with issues of belonging and acceptance. Alternatively, the dream means that you are refusing to confront some issue or situation.
In particular, if you are running from an attacker or any danger, then it suggests that you are not facing and confronting your fears
Nightmare
To dream that you are having a nightmare, suggests that you are being overly indulgent and living a life of excess. You need to tone it down and allow the mind and body to rest and heal. Alternatively, the dream may mean that you are experiencing a setback toward your goals. You need to learn to take a negative and turn it into a positive.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
2010-10-15 night dream: Wisdom teeth
I felt something uncomfortable inside of my mouth very behind bottom of a mouth. It's exactly where my wisdom teeth located. I moved my jaw and touch there with other teeth and tounge then it started to shake. Then soon the teeth pulled out without much pain. I didn't intend to pull it out though. I holded it with fingers and observed it thoroughly. It's shape was as I imagined and bigger than I thought. Lot more bigger than I felt and almost twice or three times bigger than it should be. It had a mold like color at one side and some area is chipped. I felt somehow weird which was not exciting and bit of worry.
I had no clue how to interpretate this dream so I decided to do some web search about dream.
From
After I read this interpretation, I could feel quite firmly that there are things that relevant to it-adulterious encounters in my life and surviving matter.
I need to think and write later.
I had no clue how to interpretate this dream so I decided to do some web search about dream.
From
After I read this interpretation, I could feel quite firmly that there are things that relevant to it-adulterious encounters in my life and surviving matter.
I need to think and write later.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
One who never approve and one who never forgive. That's how my father and I coexist.
Me? As a son of my father, I am one who has never been approved, complemented, understood, respected. He as my father, is the one who never say sorry or thank you to me. This is a horrendous human relation that ought to be cut. But the case is impossible to be so unless one of them died. In 2006 there was a moment that I wanted to kill my mother and father by my own hand, physical murder. To get rid of the unbearable pain that generated by their existence and their actions in the past and present I imagined the scene of removing their presense as a punishment regardless it is unreasonable judgement or not. I never had notion of revenge, though. However, it remained in intense thought and didn't occur as an action. And since then that kind of thought and anger never have aroused as strong as it was. Feeling cool downed but it has gotton too cold. It has been already more than 4 years that I've decided to not even attend to his funeral after he dies. I don't even make eye contact with him and we barely through the few words to each other in a week and those words are also stricted to life functional matters.
I've heard from somewhere. In buddism, even after one died the energy continue and the karma of previous life become a new life whether it is low frequency or high frequency; reincanation. Then he and I will have some kind of new relationship after one of us or both of us died. But that's not the matter of life relation of this time as this human being. An idea cutting off two human being's relation is like cutting the air with a sword. Even with mere one minute aquentances is impossible. They think they are completely disconnected but it's actually self blinding not the disconnection. Anyway people can satisfied by the self-blinding because it's an easy trick. They prefer to believe those illusion 'she's gone','I don't see him nor think of him anymore so I am happy'.
Now then Shaaun what would you do if you know that it is impossible and you don't like the deceptive way?
Me? As a son of my father, I am one who has never been approved, complemented, understood, respected. He as my father, is the one who never say sorry or thank you to me. This is a horrendous human relation that ought to be cut. But the case is impossible to be so unless one of them died. In 2006 there was a moment that I wanted to kill my mother and father by my own hand, physical murder. To get rid of the unbearable pain that generated by their existence and their actions in the past and present I imagined the scene of removing their presense as a punishment regardless it is unreasonable judgement or not. I never had notion of revenge, though. However, it remained in intense thought and didn't occur as an action. And since then that kind of thought and anger never have aroused as strong as it was. Feeling cool downed but it has gotton too cold. It has been already more than 4 years that I've decided to not even attend to his funeral after he dies. I don't even make eye contact with him and we barely through the few words to each other in a week and those words are also stricted to life functional matters.
I've heard from somewhere. In buddism, even after one died the energy continue and the karma of previous life become a new life whether it is low frequency or high frequency; reincanation. Then he and I will have some kind of new relationship after one of us or both of us died. But that's not the matter of life relation of this time as this human being. An idea cutting off two human being's relation is like cutting the air with a sword. Even with mere one minute aquentances is impossible. They think they are completely disconnected but it's actually self blinding not the disconnection. Anyway people can satisfied by the self-blinding because it's an easy trick. They prefer to believe those illusion 'she's gone','I don't see him nor think of him anymore so I am happy'.
Now then Shaaun what would you do if you know that it is impossible and you don't like the deceptive way?
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Ironically, one of things what beautiful in painful memory is that catharsis by sharing. More intensive pain it is, more vivid memory we have, stronger catharsis we feel. More painful experience one has he/she can experience catharsis with more people. By listening their music of the emotion, reading their book of thier story energy brings the past life moment brings everything to now. I am there and I see, hear exactly same scene, feel exactly same feeling that I felt at that moment. It hurt as hell, energy ignites burn me again and at the climax catharsis happen with tear as pouring cold water to burning skin but it rather create much more pleasurable sensation.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Imagination can kill me by just feeling the illusion that I made. What I hate about her is the pleasure that I don't get. And that she has and I wanted that pleasure by shared by her with her but failed it. And it's all illusion that I created. What make it worse is that I don't even know the truth because she never responded. I never demanded but she never willing to relate to me. I've never asked and eventually I started to regret that I've never asked her, demand her, blame her. And still the invisible string of energy in human relation tied and it will never untied until at least one dies. So unless I die I will have to live with the pain that never goes away. Only I hope the pain change, but the memory is same and it remains as it has been. Because I haven't seen or heard the truth. It has been over 2 years and she is still remains as that 23 years old lady in my reality of my illusion. This is same as what Kristi told me before. She said that those small things how people do to her is more harm and traumatizing than big incidence like somebody does terrible and nasty thing to her. And those terrible event would not hurt her much. Today I could relate myself to that and made me think why people like us take those small stuffs as life threatening event? Actually it's not we take it like that, we being gotten it like that. Meantime, we are strong and able to take big and serious event much more easily. This is how sensitivity works. There is Korean expression that I consider as virtue 강자에겐 강하게 약자에겐 약하게 react/treat strongly to strong one react/treat weakly to weak one. I like it because that's what only human can does as a decent being. It is about things like courage, dignity, nobless, will against instinct. Animal can't do it. Strong to weak one and weak to strong one is how nature goes. And to think that I got seriously torned by weak one's weak action/reaction because of this virtue or my inclination...To think that's what happened, I can't bear the feeling of hurting my pride. Half of my life in last two years went disfunctionally. It's gone that way. I barely exist as human merely continue a life; walk around like a zombie, react like an insect by half of functional part that makes me survive. That half of sane consciousness tells, shows me undistinctable half fairy tale half truth that my life is going as it should be as I want to be. Born, experience, learn, express, live to love. That vague feeling of hope...it is hard to tell the truth of hope is whether I am living as dieing toward to happy death with love at the end or I live painfully because to be great in the art of loving for sake of fulfilled life by love even it happened at the moment of just before death.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
2010-9-05
What is the best way to express this? What is the best way to write this? What is the best way to say this? What is even the best? What is this for? What for I express? What for I write when I don’t even know how to express this? Torment and misery they became my deepest secret. What is this phenomenon that seems like having a secret itself create additional pain. I am so connected to myself now and this deep connection to myself allows me to feel this pain rigorously. This pain seriously changed me. Life has become different because of this pain.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
What are we doing?
Fuck you! All of you who don't love. And don't ever dare to say you've experienced love. Don't even think that you know a tiny bit of love and know what it to be live as a human as decent being.
Sincerely
Shaaun Na
Sincerely
Shaaun Na
Sunday, August 8, 2010
2010 August eighth 12:30 AM
2010 August eighth 12:30 AM
I was laid on a bed, just start to get night sleep. Then finally feeling and thought came. “What am I doing?” How I live in present? What’s happening? What has been happening? Where is love what am I doing with it in my life? Nothing! There is just nothing to do with love in what am I doing. This is true time killing. At least I should’ve written something that is based on revenge wishful thought. But I withheld it, always. It’s because of my idealistic tendency that what I want to express should be something greater than sweet revenge. What am I expecting then? Reward that from transcending the pain? Or do I wish that my writing start from new love after failure and damage as Erich Fromm did? Maybe that is what’s happening but that only can be done by the energy that is way beyond my control.
How silly and it is sick when I see myself repeating “fuck!” like a schizophrenic. And I hate myself as a helpless being that I can’t help creating this inner thought that I repeated countless time ‘Fuck you Katherine Hartmann, I wish you will experience same thing and feel the exact same pain what I’ve felt.’ I don’t know this is something that I ought to or not to write on my book but I couldn’t do it so far. And life is getting closer to death every minute while I am hesitating or crawling with pain from past and adding more pain by not expressing it. Indeed the pain has changed my personality. Witnessing from me it is amazing how much and how many things of human can be changed by pain or should I say by love even that is failed one. I’ve only heard that one’s face can be changed in quite a short period of time in sense of aging or in sense of impression but I’ve never imagined that would happen to me.
To think the wish of her pain I could see what’s in the core. It is not wish of revenge but to be understood by feel same thing, to be connected by the feeling even the feeling is pain. More correctly say to feel the connection because the feeling of connection is good. Being connected is healing, the cure of damaged mind.
Pain and pleasure is always balanced in this planet in us humans. If somebody feels pleasure there is pain some other feel as opposite polar. People who value only positivity are one-sided followers and blind. Happily forever is a fairytale, enjoy altogether is a fiction among this specie in this planet.
I was laid on a bed, just start to get night sleep. Then finally feeling and thought came. “What am I doing?” How I live in present? What’s happening? What has been happening? Where is love what am I doing with it in my life? Nothing! There is just nothing to do with love in what am I doing. This is true time killing. At least I should’ve written something that is based on revenge wishful thought. But I withheld it, always. It’s because of my idealistic tendency that what I want to express should be something greater than sweet revenge. What am I expecting then? Reward that from transcending the pain? Or do I wish that my writing start from new love after failure and damage as Erich Fromm did? Maybe that is what’s happening but that only can be done by the energy that is way beyond my control.
How silly and it is sick when I see myself repeating “fuck!” like a schizophrenic. And I hate myself as a helpless being that I can’t help creating this inner thought that I repeated countless time ‘Fuck you Katherine Hartmann, I wish you will experience same thing and feel the exact same pain what I’ve felt.’ I don’t know this is something that I ought to or not to write on my book but I couldn’t do it so far. And life is getting closer to death every minute while I am hesitating or crawling with pain from past and adding more pain by not expressing it. Indeed the pain has changed my personality. Witnessing from me it is amazing how much and how many things of human can be changed by pain or should I say by love even that is failed one. I’ve only heard that one’s face can be changed in quite a short period of time in sense of aging or in sense of impression but I’ve never imagined that would happen to me.
To think the wish of her pain I could see what’s in the core. It is not wish of revenge but to be understood by feel same thing, to be connected by the feeling even the feeling is pain. More correctly say to feel the connection because the feeling of connection is good. Being connected is healing, the cure of damaged mind.
Pain and pleasure is always balanced in this planet in us humans. If somebody feels pleasure there is pain some other feel as opposite polar. People who value only positivity are one-sided followers and blind. Happily forever is a fairytale, enjoy altogether is a fiction among this specie in this planet.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
When there are two different and quite opposit feeling, express them both side. But not mixed them. Without make middle of two polar go be with both side even thought it might sounds paradoxical or impossible. Consideration other and consideration of myself should be balanced by not neglecting both side. Just be as it is and show what I feel truthfully then both person have to take resposibility of themselves.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Dream interpretation: Caroline, disconnection, communication
In the dream, I made a phone call to Caroline. And a woman answered, with bad quality phone sound she answered'hello?' I was not sure if that was her voice so I asked 'Caroline?' She responded, 'who?' 'Can I speak with Caroline?', 'Caroline? whom do you look for?' still the quality of sound through the phone was not good. I replied with louder voice 'my friend Caroline. I am looking for my friend Carline....Radoz'. Then I judged that it was a wrong number and told her that I had a wrong number. Scene directly move on to I hit some other phone number and waiting. 'Hello?' She answered and it was her. 'Hey Caroline long time.' Then she responded with delightful attitude but sound quality of phone was bad, noisy and low. I told her that it is very noisy a volum is too low so I would try call again. Second time when she answered the sound was clear and I started to talk with excitement. Then through conversation, In the dream the set up that I created was like this. She actually lives not only in a same country but also not too far from where I live. Then the dream faded away.
Since I dreamt several times today from daytime till evening, I compell to analyze this dream that is the only dream I can remember among several. This should be relate with the issue that I've increasingly concerned and struggled. Core source of issue is desire of unity. And the problem is painful feeling of separation and isolation. And a reaction is striving for good communication.
What is the meaning of this dream. Let's think about one by one. The fact that I called her can be interpreted as I miss her and want to contact her. About other person answered and it was wrong number, when Caroline answered I had noisy sound reflect unsmoothness of our communication especially through those medium which is phone call and e-mail. In awake state reality based on what happened in past when I e-mailed her whether a video mail or in text. The timing of her response is often not reciprocating. There is a mail that I have sent but haven't get any reply. There were some friction and conflict through few text mail we've exchanged. And about new awareness through a phone call conversation that she was actually lives near by me can be interpreted as my wish to be in close distance to her. In other word I feel dissatisfaction by reality that we live so far from each other.
Since I dreamt several times today from daytime till evening, I compell to analyze this dream that is the only dream I can remember among several. This should be relate with the issue that I've increasingly concerned and struggled. Core source of issue is desire of unity. And the problem is painful feeling of separation and isolation. And a reaction is striving for good communication.
What is the meaning of this dream. Let's think about one by one. The fact that I called her can be interpreted as I miss her and want to contact her. About other person answered and it was wrong number, when Caroline answered I had noisy sound reflect unsmoothness of our communication especially through those medium which is phone call and e-mail. In awake state reality based on what happened in past when I e-mailed her whether a video mail or in text. The timing of her response is often not reciprocating. There is a mail that I have sent but haven't get any reply. There were some friction and conflict through few text mail we've exchanged. And about new awareness through a phone call conversation that she was actually lives near by me can be interpreted as my wish to be in close distance to her. In other word I feel dissatisfaction by reality that we live so far from each other.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
main root of pain of separation(The Art of Loving)
P.8
Man is gifted with reason; he is life being aware of itself, he has awareness of himself, of his fellow man, of his past, and of the possibilities of his future. This awareness of himself as a seperate entity, the awareness of his own short life span, of the fact that without his will he is born and against his will he dies, that he will die before those whom he loves, or they before him, the awareness of his aloneness and separeteness, of his helplessness before the forces of nature and of society, all this makes his separate, disunited exstence an unbearable prison. He would become insane could he not liberate himself from this prison and reach out, unite himself in some form or other with men, with the world outside.
P.9
The awareness of human separation, without reunion by love-is the source of shame. It is at the same time the source of guilt and anxiety.
The deepest need of man, then, is the need to overcome his separateness, to leave the prison of his aloneness. The absolute failure to achieve this aim means insanity, because the panic of complete isolation can be overcome only by such a radical withdrawal from the world outside that the feeling of separation disappears-because the world outside, from which one is separated, has disappeared.
Man-of all ages and cultures-is confronted with the solution of one and the smae question: the question of how to overcome separateness, how to achieve union, how to transcend one's own individual life and find at-onement. The question is the same for primitive man living in caves, for nmadic man taking care of his flocks, for the peasant in Egypt, the Phoenician trader, the Roman soldier, the medieval monk, the Japanese samurai, the modern clerk and factory hand. The question is the smae, for it springs from the same ground: the human situation, the conditions of human existence. The answer varies. The question can be answered by animal worship, by human sacrifice or military conquest, by indulgence in luxury, by ascetic renunciation, by obsessional work, by artistic creation, by the love of God, and by the love of Man. While there are many answers-the record of which is human history-they are nevertheless not innumerable. On the contrary, as soon as one ignores smaller differences which belong more to the periphery than to the center, one discovers that there is only a limited number of answers which have been given, and only could have been given by man in the various cultures in which he has lived. The history of religion and philosophy is the history of these answers, of their diversity, as well as of their limitation in number.
Man is gifted with reason; he is life being aware of itself, he has awareness of himself, of his fellow man, of his past, and of the possibilities of his future. This awareness of himself as a seperate entity, the awareness of his own short life span, of the fact that without his will he is born and against his will he dies, that he will die before those whom he loves, or they before him, the awareness of his aloneness and separeteness, of his helplessness before the forces of nature and of society, all this makes his separate, disunited exstence an unbearable prison. He would become insane could he not liberate himself from this prison and reach out, unite himself in some form or other with men, with the world outside.
P.9
The awareness of human separation, without reunion by love-is the source of shame. It is at the same time the source of guilt and anxiety.
The deepest need of man, then, is the need to overcome his separateness, to leave the prison of his aloneness. The absolute failure to achieve this aim means insanity, because the panic of complete isolation can be overcome only by such a radical withdrawal from the world outside that the feeling of separation disappears-because the world outside, from which one is separated, has disappeared.
Man-of all ages and cultures-is confronted with the solution of one and the smae question: the question of how to overcome separateness, how to achieve union, how to transcend one's own individual life and find at-onement. The question is the same for primitive man living in caves, for nmadic man taking care of his flocks, for the peasant in Egypt, the Phoenician trader, the Roman soldier, the medieval monk, the Japanese samurai, the modern clerk and factory hand. The question is the smae, for it springs from the same ground: the human situation, the conditions of human existence. The answer varies. The question can be answered by animal worship, by human sacrifice or military conquest, by indulgence in luxury, by ascetic renunciation, by obsessional work, by artistic creation, by the love of God, and by the love of Man. While there are many answers-the record of which is human history-they are nevertheless not innumerable. On the contrary, as soon as one ignores smaller differences which belong more to the periphery than to the center, one discovers that there is only a limited number of answers which have been given, and only could have been given by man in the various cultures in which he has lived. The history of religion and philosophy is the history of these answers, of their diversity, as well as of their limitation in number.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
last thing among many experiences in tonight
I was walking on my way home and when I am passing a small play ground that is very close to my place I glimpsed and recognize there was a woman sitting, riding on swing. All grown woman who looks not much attractive nor impressive but I wanted to sit on a bench near the swing that she was riding. The bench was placed behind her so I didn't bother to look at her face directly. I sighed and sighed without much thinking but with feeling of tiredness. I was tired by all the same night mood stuffs that I was dealing with since evening till that moment 11PM. Dealing with wounds from the past and current dissatisfaction and puzzled matters in love and life. I sighed several times countinuously but gradually getting little. Then I heard the woman weeped. I immidiately looked at her and soon she weeped again and once again. But not pouring tear nor cry out. Without noticing when it started I was already feeling something intensive. Meantime I was hesitating between impulse and pulling back. 'I want to go and talk to her.' 'I want to know what her pain is.' 'What if her story is shitty and something makes me disgust?' 'Then how I am going to help her?' she didn't weep any more but continue swinging in small circling motion by putting her weight on her one leg that is contacted to ground. 'She might be one of those just weak miserable ordinary modern woman.''The fact that she is crying and I am not doesn't mean her experience is something more severe than mine.''But I am curious.''I can't just approach to her for sake of my curiousity without compassion, intention of giving and helping.' I decided to not stay there anymore and I walked away. I heard one more weep from behind feel bitterness and kept go on my way till I arrive home thinking 'This is a miserable country full of people in pain.' 'And I don't like myself incapable of giving.'
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Funeral(The Art of Loving)
Union by conformity is not intense and violent; it is calm, dictated by routine, and for this very reason often is insufficient to pacify the anxiety of separateness. The incidence of alcoholism, drug addiction, compulsive sexualism, and suicide in contemporary Western society are symptoms of this relative failure of herd conformity. Furthermore, this solution concerns mainly the mind and not the body, and for this reason too is lacking in comparison with the orgiastic solutions. Herd conformity has only one advantage: it is permanent, and not spasmodic. The individual is introduced into the conformity pattern at the age of three or four, and subsquently never loses his contact with the herd. Even his funeral, which he anticipates as his last great social affair, is in strict conformance with the pattern.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
writing about writing the concept of courage
It is compelling that wrting about courage. And along with confidence and bravary. There is bit of ego to clearly express those concept to other people and desire to be admired by people from my expression. At least I feel I have to write about it for sake of proving that I "know" what it is so I can lecture about it. Also part of my life story contains numerouse example of courage.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Interviewing 유현민
(음악에 대한 지식, 개인적 견해)
1. 인디밴드라는게 어떤것인지 설명 부탁. 그리고 대한 본인의 인디밴드에 대한 개념은?
2. 왜 인디밴드로 하고 있는지?
3. 가장 열정있는 음악분야는? 다른 분류의 본인이 좋아하는 음악이 뭔지? 그리고 왜? 어떤점에 대해 매력을 느끼는지?
4. 좋아하는 음악가나 밴드는? 존경하는 음악가나 밴드와 매력을 느끼는 음악가/밴드?
5. 타분야에서 본인이 영향을 받았거나 흠모하는 사람은?
6. 음악인으로써 중요한 자질들이 뭐가 있을까요?
7. 본인이 하는 음악을 잘하기 위해선 어떤 (art)기술이 필요하나요?(보컬,기타에 대해 따로)
8. 본인은 음악인으로써의 발전이 무엇이며 어떻게 이루어진다고 생각하나요?
9. 어떤 사람이/음악가가 되고 싶은지?
10. 계속 음악을 하기 위해 중요하다고 생각되는 것(요소)들은?
11. 인생에서 가장 강렬하게 느꼈고 크게 영향 받았던 사건/일은? 그리고 그것이 본인의 음악에 영향을 어떻게 미쳤는지?
12. 음악활동을 통한 희열, 고마움, 보람이 뭔지?
13. 본인이 보는 현대의 음악문화 그 자체와 음악산업/시장 현실태에 대한 견해는?
(음악적 역사,배경)
1. 음악하신진 얼마나 됐으며 어떻게 시작했는지?
2. 스승이 있는지? 있다면 어떻게 무엇을 배웠는지? 그리고 지금은 어떻게 배워가는지?
3. 언제부터 본격적으로 음악인이 되기로 마음을 굳혔는지?
4. 그렇다면 본인이 스스로 음악인이라고 생각하는지 아니면 어떤 다른 개념/호칭이 있는지?
5. 악기 배운진 얼마나 되셨나요? 왜 기타를 선택했는지? 본인에게 기타의 매력은 뭔지?
6. 밴드활동은 한지 얼마나 되었나요?
(현재 음악 활동 및 기타활동 관련)
1. 예술은 표현이라는 면에서 본인은 누구에게 표현하는가? 특정한 종류의 사람들 위해서? 가능한한 널리 두루? 아니면 상관없는 본인의 표현을 위한 표현? 그리고 본인의 표현 style은 어떻게 묘사할 수 있나?
2. 주로 연주/노래하는 주제는 무엇인가? 음악에서 어떤 감정이 표현 되는지?
3. 과거에서 부터 현재까지의 음악중 어떤 Thema이 있는지?
4. 본인이 하는 음악에서 창작은 어떤한 것들이 있는지?
5. 작곡도 하나요? improvisation도 하나요?
6. 영감은 어디서 어떻게 받나요?
7. 한곡에 대한 작사 작곡의 완성과정이 어떻게 되는지? 그리고 앨범 완성의 과정은?
8. 창작(작사/작곡)을 위한 환경적 내부적 조건은 무엇이 있나?
9. 음악인들과의 소통, 교류활동는 어떤식이며 어떻게 도움이 되는지?
10. 좋아하는 곳은? 어딜 주로 다니나?
11. 연습/훈련을 위한 적절/필요한 조건은?
12. 연습에서 어려운점은?
13. Cafe BB 는 어떻게 일하게 되었나?
14. 취미로 즐겨하는 활동이나 음악과 카페일 외의 활동들은?
15. 다른 분야쪽으로 일/활동 하는걸 생각해 본적 있는지?
(고충)
1. 음악인으로써 경제적 어려움이 있다면 그 현실이 어떠한지 그리고 개인적으로 어떤 상황인지?
2. 딜레마나 고충이 있다면 무엇인가? 그리고 고충 속에서 본인의 생각, 마음가짐과 행동(대처)은 어떤지?
3. 경제적으로 독립해서 생활하는지?
4. 음악활통을 통한 보상의 형태/방식 중 본인이 생각하기에 합당하다거나 이상적이라고 생각하는 형태/방식은?
(바램)
1. musician 으로써 또는 본질적 자신으로써의 미래에 성취하고 싶은 것들은?
2. 한국밖에서 활동해 볼 생각 있는지?
3. 살고싶은 혹은 가보고 싶은 도시/나라는?
4. 그 외 어떠한 바램이나 소망이 있다면 무언지?
Friday, May 7, 2010
Concentration, intensity and steadiness
One of things uncle고모부 told me yesterday makes me think what I lack of and I agree. He said "do as much as possible when I can do." This really is one of think I wanted to do that way but I couldn't. I have intensity so I want to write as much as I can at once but because of requirement of complex factors I couldn't be steady.
And I also remember he said avoid 잡념(雜念)trivial thought it is really useless one should not waste his time to think trivial stuff. It doesn't make anything. It is something I can imporve by focusing on sigle most important thing that I am doing and not think of too many subject at once.
He also talked about possitive strees. Not getting negative stress by being lazy but getting possitive stress and use it as driving force. This is something I cannot link with my experience much. I merely can think of with small experiences it didn't become my habbit.
And I also remember he said avoid 잡념(雜念)trivial thought it is really useless one should not waste his time to think trivial stuff. It doesn't make anything. It is something I can imporve by focusing on sigle most important thing that I am doing and not think of too many subject at once.
He also talked about possitive strees. Not getting negative stress by being lazy but getting possitive stress and use it as driving force. This is something I cannot link with my experience much. I merely can think of with small experiences it didn't become my habbit.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
puzzling while I stuck in critical situation
Thought is countinueing since yesterday, I feel it's necessary to write down this concept to clarify and find how determine or unstable I am. What's the notion of responsibility that I have? New dilemma that arouse this afternoon is where do I want to put myself between get helped financially for some degree of comformity such as that I don't need to worry about waste my time for secondary job for money making and not getting helped at all start from helping myself that is standing my own foot from very bottom of financial circumstance despite the fact that I have to pay the price which is slow down or post pone writing. When I am in the former case I feel unformity from the fact that I am relying on other at this age. Meantime another thing I couldn't bear is pressure, the pressure that I have to do well for the person who supports me who is a sponsor. It gives me the subconscious notion that I am not doing this 100% for me and by me thus I have a duty. And if I have that idea in my mind I cannot be whole hearted to "my work". It disturb my motivation and soon I think 'what am I doing now?', 'what for is clear but why I do this way?' And that way doesn't work! I don't know why it doesn't work for me. Maybe I have to find some answer from motivation, intention, stimulation. So as Khumo says "I need pressure" I thought same way. But the pressure should be there by me not by other. The purity of intention and full concentration by motivation. It is kind of extreme self-motivated form.
Is it really matter of being in middle of somewhere and compromise my desire and ideal?
Is it really matter of being in middle of somewhere and compromise my desire and ideal?
no title
"Go you emo and write a poem about it!" Somebody said like that to someone on online. I wish I can write a poem when I want to screem and yell.
다시 변화를...선택의 순간
이 기분...적막?...아니지 뭐라고 해야하나? 적적한 기분, 그래 아마 이건 적적함일 것이다. 두 가지 요인들이 떠오른다. 경제적 빈곤으로 인한 활동의 제한과 인간적 소통과 교류의 질적 양적 불충분. 아무튼간에 그럼 이 상황에서 내가 침착하게 그리고 평온하게 그냥 이러한 상태를 받아들이기만 하고 그 불편과 불만족을 역전적 상황으로 변화시키는데 힘을 쓰지 않는다면 과연 이게 이성적 사고이며 책임감있는 태도인지 회의 하게된다. 아버지의 경우를 문득 떠올리게 됐다. 과연 아버지는 현재 자신의 상황을 어떤식으로 인식하고 있는가? 내가 봤을 땐 어느정도의 합리화가 고착된 상태인것 같다. 바로 자신이 역경에 대해 저항하여 극복을 하려는게 극도로 어렵기에 자신이 타인에게 의존해 있는 상태가 바로 자신이 할 수 있는 최선이며 그러는것, 그러한 상태로 있는 것이 또한 예측불허적이며 문제해결적인 결과를 가져올 것이라는 자기합리화 섞인 희망을 가지고 있다는 것이다. 바로 그러한 태도가 내가 지금 가지고 있는 태도와 비교된다. 독립적으로 서 있는 상태가 아닌거 자체에 불편함과 수치심을 느끼면서 현재 상황 극복을 통해 그러한 느낌들을 극복해내려는 노력을 과연 얼마나 하는가? 지금의 나는 이 의존적 상황에서 편의를 누리면서 큰 불만족을 느끼고 있고 이 상황의 고착이나 지속에 대해 두려워 하고 있으며 급진적 상황변화가 일어나지 않는 일상속에서 급진적 변화를 바라고 있다. 하지만 어느정도가 나의 영향력인가? 바쁘게 활동하지 않는다는게 내 영향력의 정도에 큰 제한을 두고 있는가? 아니면 선택, 즉 급진적 변화를 위한 행동을 할 것인지 아니면 환경에 맞추어서 무난하게 하지만 천천히라도 내 방향대로 갈것인지 하는 선택결정의 문제인가? 선택에 책임을 져야함은 불가피하다. 내가 봤을 때 후자를 선택은 게으름과 직결되고 편리주의적인 성향이 보인다. 전자의 경우는 솔직히 매우 끌린다. 왜냐면 그건 이상적이고 위험하며 강렬하니까. 어쨋거나 지금 돌아보니 난 후자를 무의식적으로 선택했던것 같다. 한국 돌아오기전엔 분명 전자로 결정을 하고 왔는데도 말이다. 헤이해진것일까?
어떤것을 무난히 받아들여야하며 어떤것을 감내해야하며 어떤것을 포기,타협하지 말아야하는지 이 선택 결정의 조합을 어떻게 하는게 가장 현명한것인지 알 수 없다는 딜레마에 빠져있다. 이럴 때 일수록 직감에 맡겨야 하나? 선택의 결과가 바로 내 성격의 본질의 징표이고 성격은 내가 과거에 했던 선택과 비슷한 경우냐 아니면 전혀 새로운 것이냐에 따라 더 견고해지거나 변화될 것이다.
어떤것을 무난히 받아들여야하며 어떤것을 감내해야하며 어떤것을 포기,타협하지 말아야하는지 이 선택 결정의 조합을 어떻게 하는게 가장 현명한것인지 알 수 없다는 딜레마에 빠져있다. 이럴 때 일수록 직감에 맡겨야 하나? 선택의 결과가 바로 내 성격의 본질의 징표이고 성격은 내가 과거에 했던 선택과 비슷한 경우냐 아니면 전혀 새로운 것이냐에 따라 더 견고해지거나 변화될 것이다.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
2010-04-04 with water new insight from pain
capacity to accept non-beautiful things has built after misery and tolerance. I'm not sure it is trenscending or paradigm shifting. I feel it is new insight that I gain and some quality development of characteristic.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
2010-4-20 philogyny, misogyny, misandry
So as I irriatated by those women that blame the mens immature behaviors I've been irritated by those immature womens behavior. What this indicate? It is fact that those women who been treated shitty by men are immature as well they don't have awareness that they've only meet ordinary ones that are immature and sick in this sick society and it is function of attraction that things that simmilar(simmilar meant by in sense of quality of being not necessarily what they do and behave) attract each other. Don't they really see the big picture there are much more shitty human beings call male than decent men? And it's their fault if they can meet only those immature and bad ones. Same goes to men that can not meet decent woman. When I was younger till early twenties I was philogynist. And some point after that time I gradually see more objective reality and common notion among most of people that is illusional. I started to distinguish between reality and illusional my past assumtion. "In this modernised society, most of females think they are women because of intellectual smartness and social advence but they are actually bunch of girls because they don't have much objectivity and rationality, lack of emotionality development, and absence of balanced polarity of musculinity and feminity. They still deceived by guys who as intellectually smart as they are with boyish sexuality and actually "fucked" as those guys think they fuck. Moreover, if they are not lucky at the moment, they even raped by those kind of guys because of their lack of ability to managing the situation and because lack of sense to distinct who is fuck boy, pervert and rapist and who is not. They still whiny or victimize themselves about imperfect ideal in modern society, state of social norms that is disadvantageous for them such as equality of man and woman instead of live proudly like a real woman without buying irrational shits in this society.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
2010-4-18 잠실 starbucks
I see this period of my life in this way. There is calm before storm which can be compare with life moment desolate and serene. Then all of sudden storm start to create hurricane and make terrifying scene. It is now since about last 2 years of my life : pain, torment, hurt and damage. In this place where I swept and flying somewhere in the middle of hurricane while I'm so much aware the painful sensation, I see the picture of after the storm ends. It is ruined place with all the broken remedies. I see many scar in me but that's not where I'm looking intensively. I see the new creation from ruined place. I see new things that I make in the place all after cleaned up by hurricane. Ah...so that's it. This hurricane may destroy many things but it also create emptiness, nothingness, cleanness afterward. Finally I see something I can expect and have a hope.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
2010-4-18
On my way to Coax mall I noticed that what I'm doing on a street, on a subway, at public place in general. I was unconsciously avoid eye contact with people. No, actually not only avoiding eye contact, I don't even look at their face unless they get my attention because they are women or noticeable in any particular way. None of them are interesting nor stimulate me in moderate degree. Only foreigners get my attention. So that's how my tendency pattern function. Anyway, what thought I had? Right, I noticed the comparison. I shouldn't compare my life with other people that I see in daily basis because the quality of our life is different and formation is also very differernt. I should not think that my dissatisfaction may occuring in most of others' life and they are fine with it. It's doesn't make sense. They don't live like me and they don't have sensitivity like my type of human being. They are incapable to see what I experience. So do not compare my life with their and feel loser by comparing.
2010-4-17 신사동 starbucks
'하시는일 열심히 하세요' '열심히 살아요' 그냥 떠오른 생각이다. 한두사람 뿐만 아니라 여러사람들로부터 나를 포함한 여러사람에게 흔히 한국에서 들리는 소리. 내게 피식하는 웃음이 나게 하는 표현이다. 그 표현의 의미의 깊이와 타당성, 적합성을 떠나서 오늘 그냥 내 자신에게 질문을 하게 되었다. '오늘 나는 열심히 살았는가?' '난 내일을 열심히 하고 있는가?' 별로 그렇지 못한 것 같다. 글쎄 내가 글을 얼마나 쓰고 있는가에 기준한 편협한 답인듯하면서도 그게 궁극적으로 맞는 답인것 같다. 아마 무의식은 알겠지. 사랑이 인생의 의미이고 전부이며 인생이 곧 사랑인 사람에게 열심히 산다는건 무엇이 될까? 이론적 공부와 생활에서의 실천 그리고 나자신에게 뿐만 아니라 세상에로의 표현 역시 내가 해야한다고 느끼는 사랑의 실천이다. 그리고 나는 그것에 대해 항상 불만족을 가지고 있다. 아침에 완전히 깨어나기전의 비몽사몽한 상태에서 부터 시작해서 완전히 잠에 빠져들기 전까지 이부자리에 누워서 졸림에 섞인 의식 상태까지 게대가 꿈에서 까지 징후로써 불만족은 온종일 곳곳에서 수시로 등장과 소멸을 반복한다. 어쩌다 인생이 이렇게 됐을까 하는 생각을 안할 수가 없게 하는 참을 수 없는 고문이다. 더 악화되는게 두렵다. 진짜 망가지고 스스로 인생을 망친 사람들을 아주 가까운 주변에서 부터 봐왔고 그들에게 내가 항상 느끼는 감정은 불쌍함과 저항감 그리고 거리감이 섞여있다. 하지만 현재의 내 시점에 가까워질 수록 그 거리감은 줄어들고 저항감은 강해진다. '저렇게 되고 싶지 않다'. 하지만 그건 역시 두려움에 기반을 둔 반응이다. 제기랄...강함이란 결코 저절로 유지되는것이 아니다. 어쩌면 강함 자체가 강하다고 느껴지는 느낌 즉 환상에 일종뿐 이고 실재로 체화되는것은 아닐 수도 있다 특히 그 강함이 육체적인 것이 아니라 감정적이거나 정신적이거나 영적일 때. 물론 심리적인 관점차이에서 느껴지는 그 강하다라는 느낌의 차이가 태도에 큰 영향을 미치지만 느낌과 관계 없이 내가 습득해서 보유하고 있는 철저히 경험과 노력에 의한 떠나지 않는 강함이 있지 않을까? 용기의 존재여부와 상관없는 실체적 강함. 이 관념에 대해선 나중에 생각해보기로 하고 오늘에 대해 쓰고 싶다. 아마 이 글을 쓰게 된 이유가 바로 불만족에서 부터 시작했기에 오늘은 그다지 만족스러운 하루가 아니었다고 할 수 있겠다. 나이들면서 웃음이 적어지는게 바로 불만족스러운 삶의 자명한 증거가 아니겠는가? 그것 역시 인생의 단편적 시기에 드러난 특징적 현상이라고 크게 볼 수도 있겠다. 글을 쓰는것을 포함 모든 자기 표현만이 초월적 해소법이다.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Devotion, Dedication on one thing I do
By listening Sarah Brightman's song-You take my breath away, I felt the "suchness" of her. How her whole life integrated to one activity-being a musician,singer. This is not a new inspiration. Many times in the past I've inspired by musicians, especially classical musicians. Their suchness is different, unique, strong, seren, humble and something else that my linguistic is limited to express it properly. They have those qualities that are untouchable for ordinary people. Music shows how they have lived and live. They are not only succeeded of their productivity also they know art of living that Fromm mentioned. They don't live for happiness or just react to whatever comes to their life. Dedication, devotion to one activity cannot coexist with those "nice and easy so call happy life" doctrine within one person. Their devotion and dedication always makes me look back and think 'have I endeavor that much for mastery of love?', 'Is my life integrated to love intirely?' What a beautiful devotion! Or should I say devotion is beautiful.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
2010-4-15 8:23pm 압구정역 starbucks
What don't I understand? the feeling down itself? Identification of the feeling or phenomena? or the cause of feeling? It's confusing that I cannot even know if this is pain or not. I just react all the time to any change any feeling that I feel. I just react like sensitive kid. Reaction is try to identify the feeling and why I started to feel this and how I feel better. Well most of case I think the attemption is try to feel something different that is sweet. Did it ever work? It's not even worthwhile anymore. And I had a moment tonight why should I feel different? I mean why I aviod or change this feeling? This life stage certainly giving me new challenge. And it's seems inevitable. What choice I got? Several things must available. But what do I see all the time? What do I alwats choose? The moment of today reminds Vegabonsteve's word from his video on YouTube. He used to do same thing that try to change his feeling when the feeling is not pleasant. But he said he could start to see the beauty from his pain. Can I do that too? I remember that I used to clearly see the beauty of my life and feel the pleasure sensation by see that beauty. How is it now? Sure I am more complicate than before and more sensitive and aware more. And I rather feel fragile than stronger. I used to feel stronger than before all the time. I mean every new period of my life new experiences and situation came into my life I always felt I am stronger than before. That energy has been drained gradually since 2009 and I definitely feel that I don't have as much as I used to have before. I miss it. And it's sad if this is down hill. Oh maybe this is the "2steps back for 3 steps foward" as Vegabonsteve said. It make sense that it is going backward and degression of my humanity because that's what I have been feeling and afraid of. It's not about just getting old and being closer to death. This must be set back for next big step fowards. I don't know what kind of process require that or how it's going to develop me but I sense the movement at present moment. It's like crazy roller coaster. I've never enjoy those toy. It only gives me sick feeling.
Erich Fromm's Credo
• I believe that the unity of man as opposed to other living things derives from the fact that man is the conscious life of himself. Man is conscious of himself, of his future, which is death, of his smallness, of his impotence; he is aware of others as others; man is in nature, subject to its laws even if he transcends it with his thought.
• I believe that man is the product of natural evolution that is born from the conflict of being a prisoner and separated from nature, and from the need to find unity and harmony with it.
• I believe that the nature of man is a contradiction rooted in the conditions of human existence that requires a search for solutions, which in their turn create new contradictions and now the need for answers.
• I believe that every answer to these contradictions can really satisfy the condition of helping man to overcome the sense of separation and to achieve a sense of agreement, of unity, and of belonging.
• I believe that in every answer to these contradictions, man has the possibility of choosing only between going forward or going back; these choices, which are translated into specific actions, are means toward the regressing or toward the progressing of the humanity that is in us.
• I believe that the fundamental alternative for man is the choice between „life“ and „death“; between creativity and destructive violence; between reality and illusions; between objectivity and intolerance; between brotherhood-independence and dominance-submission.
• I believe that one can attribute to „life“ the significance of continuous birth and constant development. {101}
• I believe that one can attribute to „death“ the significance of suspension of growth; continuous repetition.
• I believe that man, with the regressive answer, tries to find unity, liberating himself from the unbearable fear of loneliness and uncertainty, distorting that which makes him human and torments him. The regressive orientation develops in three manifestations, separate or together: necrophilia, narcissism, and incestuous symbiosis.
By necrophilia is meant love for all that is violence and destruction; the desire to kill; the worship of force; attraction to death, to suicide, to sadism; the desire to transform the organic into the inorganic by means of „order.“ The necrophile, lacking the necessary qualities to create, in his impotence finds it easy to destroy because for him it serves only one quality: force.
By narcissism is meant ceasing to have an authentic interest in the outside world but instead an intense attachment to oneself, to one’s own group, clan, religion, nation, race, etc.-with consequent serious distortions of rational judgment. In general, the need for narcissistic satisfaction derives from the necessity to compensate for material and cultural poverty.
By incestuous symbiosis is meant the tendency to stay tied to the mother and to her equivalents--blood, family, tribe--to fly from the unbearable weight of responsibility, of freedom, of awareness, and to be protected and loved in a state of certainty dependence that the individual pays for with the ceasing of his own human development.
• I believe that the man choosing progress can find a new unity through the full development of all his human forces, which are produced in three orientations. These can be presented separately or together: biophilia, love for humanity and nature, and independence and freedom.
• I believe that love is the main key to open the doors to the „growth“ of man. Love and union with someone or something outside of oneself, union that allows one to put oneself into relationship with others, to feel one with others, without {102} limiting the sense of integrity and independence. Love is a productive orientation for which it is essential that there be present at the same time: concern, responsibility, and respect for and knowledge of the object of the union.
• I believe that the experience of love is the most human and humanizing act that it is given to man to enjoy and that it, like reason, makes no sense if conceived in a partial way.
• I believe in the need for „liberty from“ internal and/or external ties, as a preliminary condition for being able to have „liberty to“ create, build, want to know, etc., to be able to become a free, active, responsible individual.
• I believe that freedom is the capacity to follow the voice of reason and knowledge, against the voices of irrational passions; that it is the emancipation that renders man free and puts him on the way to using his own rational faculties and to understanding objectively the world and his own part in it.
• I believe that „struggling for freedom“ has in general had the sole meaning of struggling against the authority which is imposed, overcoming individual will. Today, „struggling for freedom“ should mean freeing ourselves individually and collectively from the „authority“ to which we have submitted „willingly“; freeing ourselves from the inner forces that necessitate this subjection because we are incapable of bearing freedom.
• I believe that freedom is not a constant attribute that „we have“ or „we don’t have“; perhaps there is only one reality: the act of liberating ourselves in the process of using choices. Every step in life that heightens the maturity of man heightens his ability to choose the freeing alternative.
• I believe that „freedom of choice“ is not always equal for all men at every moment. The man with an exclusively necrophilic orientation; who is narcissistic; or who is symbiotic-incestuous, can only make a regressive choice. The free man, freed from irrational ties, can no longer make a regressive choice.
• I believe that the problem of freedom of choice exists only for the man with contrasting orientations, and also this freedom {103} is always strongly conditioned by unconscious desires and by placating rationalizations.
• I believe that none can „save“ his fellow man by making a choice for him. To help him, he can indicate the possible alternatives, with sincerity and love, without being sentimental and without illusion. The knowledge and awareness of the freeing alternatives can reawaken in an individual all his hidden energies and put him on the path to choosing respect for „life“ instead of for „death.“
• I believe that equality is felt when, completely discovering oneself, one recognizes that one is equal to others and one identifies oneself with them. Every individual bears humanity inside himself; „the human condition“ is unique and equal for all men, in spite of the inevitable differences in intelligence, talent, height, color, etc.
• I believe that equality between men must be remembered, especially, to prevent one man’s becoming the instrument of another.
• I believe that brotherhood is love directed toward one’s fellow men. It will remain, however, a word without sense, until all „incestuous“ ties that prevent one from being able to judge the „brother“ objectively are eradicated.
• I believe that if an individual is not on the path to transcending his society and seeing in what way it furthers or impedes the development of human potential, he cannot enter into intimate contact with his humanity. If the tabus, restrictions, distorted values appear „natural“ to him, this is a clear indication that he cannot have a real knowledge of human nature.
• I believe that society, while having a function both stimulating and inhibiting at the same time, has always been in conflict with humanity. Only when the purpose of society is identified with that of humanity will society cease to paralyze man and encourage his dominance.
• I believe that one can and must hope for a sane society that furthers man’s capacity to love his fellow men, to work and {104} create, to develop his reason and his objectivity of a sense of himself that is based on the experience of his productive energy.
• I believe that one can and must hope for the collective regaining of a mental health that is characterized by the capacity to love and to create; by the liberation of man from incestuous ties with the clan and the soil; by a sense of identity based on the experience that the individual has of himself as the subject and agent of his powers; by the capacity to affect reality inside and outside of himself and bring about the development of objectivity and reason.
• I believe that inasmuch as this world of ours seems to become mad and dehumanized, an ever greater number of individuals will feel the need to associate and work with men who share their worries.
• I believe that these men of good intention should not only arrive at a human interpretation of the world, but must point the way and work for a possible transformation. An interpretation without wish for change is useless; a change without preliminary interpretation is blind.
• I believe in the possible realization of a world in which man can be much, even if he has little; a world in which the dominant motivation of existence is not consumption; a world in which „man“ is the end, first and last; a world in which man can find the way of giving a purpose to his life as well as the strength to live free and without illusions.
• I believe that man is the product of natural evolution that is born from the conflict of being a prisoner and separated from nature, and from the need to find unity and harmony with it.
• I believe that the nature of man is a contradiction rooted in the conditions of human existence that requires a search for solutions, which in their turn create new contradictions and now the need for answers.
• I believe that every answer to these contradictions can really satisfy the condition of helping man to overcome the sense of separation and to achieve a sense of agreement, of unity, and of belonging.
• I believe that in every answer to these contradictions, man has the possibility of choosing only between going forward or going back; these choices, which are translated into specific actions, are means toward the regressing or toward the progressing of the humanity that is in us.
• I believe that the fundamental alternative for man is the choice between „life“ and „death“; between creativity and destructive violence; between reality and illusions; between objectivity and intolerance; between brotherhood-independence and dominance-submission.
• I believe that one can attribute to „life“ the significance of continuous birth and constant development. {101}
• I believe that one can attribute to „death“ the significance of suspension of growth; continuous repetition.
• I believe that man, with the regressive answer, tries to find unity, liberating himself from the unbearable fear of loneliness and uncertainty, distorting that which makes him human and torments him. The regressive orientation develops in three manifestations, separate or together: necrophilia, narcissism, and incestuous symbiosis.
By necrophilia is meant love for all that is violence and destruction; the desire to kill; the worship of force; attraction to death, to suicide, to sadism; the desire to transform the organic into the inorganic by means of „order.“ The necrophile, lacking the necessary qualities to create, in his impotence finds it easy to destroy because for him it serves only one quality: force.
By narcissism is meant ceasing to have an authentic interest in the outside world but instead an intense attachment to oneself, to one’s own group, clan, religion, nation, race, etc.-with consequent serious distortions of rational judgment. In general, the need for narcissistic satisfaction derives from the necessity to compensate for material and cultural poverty.
By incestuous symbiosis is meant the tendency to stay tied to the mother and to her equivalents--blood, family, tribe--to fly from the unbearable weight of responsibility, of freedom, of awareness, and to be protected and loved in a state of certainty dependence that the individual pays for with the ceasing of his own human development.
• I believe that the man choosing progress can find a new unity through the full development of all his human forces, which are produced in three orientations. These can be presented separately or together: biophilia, love for humanity and nature, and independence and freedom.
• I believe that love is the main key to open the doors to the „growth“ of man. Love and union with someone or something outside of oneself, union that allows one to put oneself into relationship with others, to feel one with others, without {102} limiting the sense of integrity and independence. Love is a productive orientation for which it is essential that there be present at the same time: concern, responsibility, and respect for and knowledge of the object of the union.
• I believe that the experience of love is the most human and humanizing act that it is given to man to enjoy and that it, like reason, makes no sense if conceived in a partial way.
• I believe in the need for „liberty from“ internal and/or external ties, as a preliminary condition for being able to have „liberty to“ create, build, want to know, etc., to be able to become a free, active, responsible individual.
• I believe that freedom is the capacity to follow the voice of reason and knowledge, against the voices of irrational passions; that it is the emancipation that renders man free and puts him on the way to using his own rational faculties and to understanding objectively the world and his own part in it.
• I believe that „struggling for freedom“ has in general had the sole meaning of struggling against the authority which is imposed, overcoming individual will. Today, „struggling for freedom“ should mean freeing ourselves individually and collectively from the „authority“ to which we have submitted „willingly“; freeing ourselves from the inner forces that necessitate this subjection because we are incapable of bearing freedom.
• I believe that freedom is not a constant attribute that „we have“ or „we don’t have“; perhaps there is only one reality: the act of liberating ourselves in the process of using choices. Every step in life that heightens the maturity of man heightens his ability to choose the freeing alternative.
• I believe that „freedom of choice“ is not always equal for all men at every moment. The man with an exclusively necrophilic orientation; who is narcissistic; or who is symbiotic-incestuous, can only make a regressive choice. The free man, freed from irrational ties, can no longer make a regressive choice.
• I believe that the problem of freedom of choice exists only for the man with contrasting orientations, and also this freedom {103} is always strongly conditioned by unconscious desires and by placating rationalizations.
• I believe that none can „save“ his fellow man by making a choice for him. To help him, he can indicate the possible alternatives, with sincerity and love, without being sentimental and without illusion. The knowledge and awareness of the freeing alternatives can reawaken in an individual all his hidden energies and put him on the path to choosing respect for „life“ instead of for „death.“
• I believe that equality is felt when, completely discovering oneself, one recognizes that one is equal to others and one identifies oneself with them. Every individual bears humanity inside himself; „the human condition“ is unique and equal for all men, in spite of the inevitable differences in intelligence, talent, height, color, etc.
• I believe that equality between men must be remembered, especially, to prevent one man’s becoming the instrument of another.
• I believe that brotherhood is love directed toward one’s fellow men. It will remain, however, a word without sense, until all „incestuous“ ties that prevent one from being able to judge the „brother“ objectively are eradicated.
• I believe that if an individual is not on the path to transcending his society and seeing in what way it furthers or impedes the development of human potential, he cannot enter into intimate contact with his humanity. If the tabus, restrictions, distorted values appear „natural“ to him, this is a clear indication that he cannot have a real knowledge of human nature.
• I believe that society, while having a function both stimulating and inhibiting at the same time, has always been in conflict with humanity. Only when the purpose of society is identified with that of humanity will society cease to paralyze man and encourage his dominance.
• I believe that one can and must hope for a sane society that furthers man’s capacity to love his fellow men, to work and {104} create, to develop his reason and his objectivity of a sense of himself that is based on the experience of his productive energy.
• I believe that one can and must hope for the collective regaining of a mental health that is characterized by the capacity to love and to create; by the liberation of man from incestuous ties with the clan and the soil; by a sense of identity based on the experience that the individual has of himself as the subject and agent of his powers; by the capacity to affect reality inside and outside of himself and bring about the development of objectivity and reason.
• I believe that inasmuch as this world of ours seems to become mad and dehumanized, an ever greater number of individuals will feel the need to associate and work with men who share their worries.
• I believe that these men of good intention should not only arrive at a human interpretation of the world, but must point the way and work for a possible transformation. An interpretation without wish for change is useless; a change without preliminary interpretation is blind.
• I believe in the possible realization of a world in which man can be much, even if he has little; a world in which the dominant motivation of existence is not consumption; a world in which „man“ is the end, first and last; a world in which man can find the way of giving a purpose to his life as well as the strength to live free and without illusions.
2010-4-15 starbucks in 이태원
Again, I'm losing my balance and falling down. endless collapse I feel I am sand man. Can't built anything firm. I don't want to be simple human being so I like my complexity but that make everything difficult especiall balancing. However, I'm like melted ice-cream at least that's how I feel. What's the point bearing this freasing cold weather? Just not to be frozen? As melted ice cream there is no clear direction or purpose. It just ugly and pityful. No body cares. Nobody. It doesn't attract anybody.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
balance
one of abilities of balancing is strength. Upside standing and kicking require muscle strength. If I don't have enought strenght, I lose balanace easily. Also it's important how much strength I use which is controling the power. Also weight shifting is essential and its sensitivity. Same in conversation or love, in order to not fail frequency, amount, degree of depth, diversity ratio of giving and receiving have to be balanced.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
criticism with feeling
Social atmosphere of Korean makes people cowardice. They cannot express themselves because they are afraid of being exposed to others' eyes because of judgemental timmid harsh irrational criticism and synicysm. It is fearful punishment. We need freedom to express-not only passive freedom but also active freedom.
The notion among non serious people. There concept of love and dating. They are not serious about their life and so to others. There is no need and reason to take a risk, challenge, dedicate themselves to other. They merely 'try out' without much giving without any intensity of what they initiatively do, pro-actively do. They don't like to spend their life with one person fully because of possibility to lose oppertunity find somebody better, more pleasent, irrisistible, or "just right". With that mind frame they will never make themself excellent in any activity, much less in realm of love. Yet what really shocking and striking is many of them are horrifically passionate about activities that make money.Their dedication to those money make activities are impressively enthusiastic. What a bizzare life of misserable human beings. What really shock me is shamelessness on their life and the fact that they crave the paper with printed number.
What about those minority who have looked this aspect? How many students of sociology, philosophy, and psychology feel this despite of their intellectual thought? Even licensed psychologist are comformists. They are not out of this category.
The notion among non serious people. There concept of love and dating. They are not serious about their life and so to others. There is no need and reason to take a risk, challenge, dedicate themselves to other. They merely 'try out' without much giving without any intensity of what they initiatively do, pro-actively do. They don't like to spend their life with one person fully because of possibility to lose oppertunity find somebody better, more pleasent, irrisistible, or "just right". With that mind frame they will never make themself excellent in any activity, much less in realm of love. Yet what really shocking and striking is many of them are horrifically passionate about activities that make money.Their dedication to those money make activities are impressively enthusiastic. What a bizzare life of misserable human beings. What really shock me is shamelessness on their life and the fact that they crave the paper with printed number.
What about those minority who have looked this aspect? How many students of sociology, philosophy, and psychology feel this despite of their intellectual thought? Even licensed psychologist are comformists. They are not out of this category.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Wounds and reactions
It's not easy to accept the truth about ourselves, especially about the nature of our deepest wounds. Self-truth explorations are rarely painless, which is why many of us need a large measure of adult experience under our belts before we are emotionally equipped for such an undertaking. So why look back at all? why not just forge ahead with our customary determination and will? As many of my clients propose, "Let's just leave the past in the past."
And yet we cannot leave well enough alone because the liberation of our potential calls for completeness. All of our resources must be fully functional and available if we intend to take our abilities seriously. No matter how smooth our upbringing may have seemed, without mending the splits and self-doubts we bear, we cannot be as fully alive and powerful in our creative endeavors as we are intended to be.
The goal is not to revictimize ourselves by opening up old wounds merely for the sake of feeling bad all over again. Blame is not the point, either-not toward ourselves or toward those who raised us, loved us, or worked with us to the best of their ability. At first, most Everyday Geniuses resist the idea of dredging up old wounds and revisiting the detours they wish they'd never taken. No one wants to reexperience emotional pain and regret. Yet the wounds of Everyday Geniuses are not the kind that heal with the mere passage of time. Luckily, most Everyday Geniuses are practiced in recycling their experience. Their innate optimism and tenacity help them find creative ways to make use of all of their experiences, even agonizing setbacks. To give meaning to what happens in their lives, they look for ways to tyrn bad into some form of good.
And yet we cannot leave well enough alone because the liberation of our potential calls for completeness. All of our resources must be fully functional and available if we intend to take our abilities seriously. No matter how smooth our upbringing may have seemed, without mending the splits and self-doubts we bear, we cannot be as fully alive and powerful in our creative endeavors as we are intended to be.
The goal is not to revictimize ourselves by opening up old wounds merely for the sake of feeling bad all over again. Blame is not the point, either-not toward ourselves or toward those who raised us, loved us, or worked with us to the best of their ability. At first, most Everyday Geniuses resist the idea of dredging up old wounds and revisiting the detours they wish they'd never taken. No one wants to reexperience emotional pain and regret. Yet the wounds of Everyday Geniuses are not the kind that heal with the mere passage of time. Luckily, most Everyday Geniuses are practiced in recycling their experience. Their innate optimism and tenacity help them find creative ways to make use of all of their experiences, even agonizing setbacks. To give meaning to what happens in their lives, they look for ways to tyrn bad into some form of good.
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