Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Conversation with Parth June 10th
Parth has quite good insight and wisdom. He and I have several common idea and understanding about life,love and truths. Meantime, the way we approach and express about turths are quite different. I am analytical, and he is...I can't find the proper vocabulary to describe this but I think he is more freely express and experience without judgement and morality. And because of that difference, I like to listen him.
Through this conversation, by his word I've got some of important insight. And that helped me to realize what I needed to learn about love.
Here are few of his words:
"She is the context and I am the content."
"A commitment and a concern."
"Take the focus off on me."
^^Video^^July 7th healing process Day2(sadness, depression, bitterness, serenity)
After finish work I went to the Fort Mason and recorded myself. I had to get things out of my chest and mind some way.
Tape was not good so many part of video were distorted. I wrote down that part under the video.
-but their sexual desire, is based on their personality level so pretty much, sex, will be their expression which is immature so...that's what that is you want that? I mean if you are woman...Jesus Christ sakes.
-what else? uh? it is like totally having oriented personality.
-so I have to follow what they doing I have to do same shit then get into the relationship first by using attraction and then somehow make them like me, make them obsessed to me,then develop later, develop love later, maybe, that's the only way. it is possible to me but I don't think so because I can't. I already have developed totally opposite and different way. It's like digression if I behave that way. Behave the ordinary people way. And most of all, my nature is against it. My nature is always be truthful, open, expressive. It's in my gene I cannot change it.
-I'm very unique individual and I will be a master of love and...if you miss it...I'm giving you a chance. you know what I mean?
-I know there is another possibility. you disappointed again and I will hurt again but it's fine, I mean it will not fine fine but things that happened is what I have to do anyway. I have to accept it no matter what happen I have to accept it that's one of important matter, important element of ability to love. You have to accept it even if I will disappointed I will do love. that is willingness of love and that make it happen. Believe me it will...Feeling? it will change, feeling always change. You will feel great later, you will feel that good feeling.
-If you just follow, chase happiness, you cannot be 100% of your life in happiness even though you master at happiness you have to accept that suffering and failing that, what you experience that meant to be meant to happen. Happiness is good, it is part of it, part of life but think about it. If you suffer if you know the pain...Then it is relative that happiness will feel great feel better, but if you are always in high of that happiness you will be dumb you will be dull, numb about it.
Reflection:
I can detect several parts that I am not objective about me and her and facts between us because of emotions. There is my attitude that disrespect of her and offensiveness instead of respect her as her and tenderness. And those are because of lack of knowledge about her and my lack of objectivity.
^^Video^^ July 6th, Healing process day1
July 6th, that day right after I saw she was online then she said hi through the messinger then I just said "wait I'll call you right now" then I called her. Then we start talk but from the very beggining I felt that she was so far away from me because she was talking about all the other stuffs except us. So I sensed that she was avoiding talking about her and my feelings and experience. Then she asked me how I am doing. I started to talk about the feeling that I had, anxiety and worry about her and I said I concerned her because I love her. I don't clearly remember what she said I think because of that sudden hurt feeling I couldn't even get what she talk and what I talk after she said something like this "what do you mean love as friend you mean?" After listen that word, my entire brain was already not normal mode. I couldn't be objective and calm at that moment. There were only shock and pain, extremely fast subconcious thinkings and feelings. By that time, what I thought. spoke and listened was already out of objectivity. Out of control by hurt feeling. I remember few words that I said to her, "I don't bag you.", "I can't force you.", "Let me just love you Katie." And what I remember what she said were "Some time there is feeling without reason." What she said to me were pretty much same things that I already had heard from ther women in my past. So I didn't even want to listen more that ordinary same reactions because it just hurt me and nothing more to learn from it.
Simply, I was hurt after hear from her. She didn't feel the same way that I feel about her. Alathough what we had been doing was love, she was not in love with me. 'It HURTS very much!'
And I got back to skype phone call, I called smart guy who can understand what I'm saying about love, Francisco, and he notice very quickly because my voice was not exciting or happy. Then I just expressed my anger and disappointment. Then he tried to make me calm down and say something that he thinks I need to learn. But I cut him "Man I know, I will figure it out by myself. I always have been right and I will analyze and learn from it. I know better than anybody. Just right now I need to express this feeling. If you are not psychologist, don't even try to advice me." One thing I remember from his words were somthing like "I told you those kind of girls are difficult." "But the way you do is true love." And I also remember we laughed together when I say "The way she said and react was just one scenario of my predictions. It's just amazing how accurate I was."
After that short talk with Francisco, there wasn't nothing I wanted to do; doing some other activity that I can get some stimulation so I don't think and feel this any more? No, no avoiding but dealing with feeling. I recorded myself. I knew that by recording, I can see myself later and analyze it and I will have better understanding and more objectivity.
After some shouting out and yelling I felt much less anger,-negative energy- was in myself. I think it's because I consumed that energy and infact, I felt tireness.
So now what do I think about this?(7/29)
On this video, that moment of me, was not really objective about myself and Katie and all the situation.
It is not loving because in this video I didn't respect her as herself, because of anger, that painful feeling, I couldn't get the focus out of me. Also I can see that I made a conclusion that I will not focus on negativity through all those expressing.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Lea
to: ltl.originality@gmail.com
date: Thu, Jun 26, 2008 at 8:37 PM
subject: Gidday
mailed-by: optusnet.com.au
Hi Shaaun,
I am back in Australia after my crazy week in Las Vegas.
It was so nice to meet you. You are quite inspirational and I am sorry I didn't have had more time to talk to you.
Sorry if my message is short, I am actually ill today. Have come down with tonsillitis and have been suffering from the general aches and pains that go along with that.
Anyway, happy travels, and I hope to hear about your further adventures.
Adios
Lea
=================================================================
from: Shaaun Na
to: Leanne Scales
date: Fri, Jun 27, 2008 at 12:01 PM
subject: Re: Gidday
mailed-by: gmail.com
Hi, Lea
I'm glad to hear from you. And it's good news that you had crazy week in Las Vegas. I like there.
I feel the same way that you didn't have had more time to talk. But thanks god we have e-mail. I would like to communicate with you more. Anyhow it's sad news that you are ill and have been suffering from that pain. I'm shocked and sorry about that. I believe you will be healed because you are strong, healthy and positive.
About me, well, I'm not traveling now but after finish my walking journey, I have been feeling 'my journey is not end yet because my story is not end yet. In fact, my story is not long enough(for the book that I want to write about.)' But why universe is not helping me? Why everything is not going well? I mean because of my legal status in this country, because of I can't get a job neither make money, I can't live as the story supposed to be; love to live, live to love; being living evidence that one human can live to love even in this non-loving based society(not only social structure but also peoples); prove to people that just one individual, one human being can generate much more energy/power than power of military, by act of love. That's what I want to write after I actually have experienced.
After struggle with my dilemma, I've realized the reason why things not going well. It was because I'm not mean to be here, in this city, because I'm far away from the woman who I love (I've met her on my walking journey, she is living in east state). It was clear reason that I got to go to her. Distance is ultimate obstacle of act of loving; at least, at this point.
So I've decided to go to her. To do so, I still need money to buy a train ticket. Since I had made decision, I became calm and excited. After few more communication with her through e-mail, especially after I confirmed that we love each other- love that not only by feeling and emotion, by will and act. Through this experience I felt that sensation, that my brain filled by pleasure so there is no room to feel anxiety, depression, nervous, and anger. It was amazing because now I am proving I can be happy without money because I'm loving. Although I've proved that I can content without money by myself, it was not really happy and exciting.
So...that's my news and on going story so far. I hope you can enjoy this and feel better Lea.
Whenever you have time and feel good, let me know what you think. I'd like to hear your feed back. And I would like to hear your story and experience.
Shaaun
P.S. Thank you for the picture, I look funny in the picture and you are beautiful as always. I will send you my pictures from my walking journey.
=================================================================
Leanne Scales (lscales@optusnet.com.au)
Sent: Sat 6/28/08 11:15 PM
To: 'Shaaun Na' (havemind@hotmail.com)
Hi Shaaun,
I am feeling much better now thank you. My darling father came and took me to the doctor as I was unable to drive, and now that the medication has started to work I feel excellent.
What wonderful news about you having found love. And you are so right about things not going the way you thought you wanted in San Fran, because you are just not meant to be there. I wish I had known these things earlier. In the pursuit of love, I would have gladly given you some money to get you to her faster.
Every time I am frustrated with my life, my sister always reminds me that we are exactly were we are suppose to be at that given moment in time. Which annoys me, because usually I did not want to be there. There always seems to be a lesson to be learnt every step of the way.
It is wonderful to be home with my children and puppy dog. We have all been very productive in the yard today. Pulling out weeds, trimming shrubs, attempting to mow the grass but the mower won't start. My sons birthday was on Thursday last week, 10 years of age and just delightful. My daughter turns 14 in two weeks. She is a very good girl, but is going through those hormonal teenage years and I could strangle her sometimes.
Vegas was a week of decadence and indulgences for all senses. My friend Sally who I stayed with is quite wealthy and has alot of connections in the Casino world so I was spoilt. I'm not complaining. I lead a very simple life at home. I earn enough money to keep a modest roof over our heads, I drive an old but reliable car, we rarely have takeaway, I don't drink or smoke, I buy all clothes when they are on sale, and I am not too proud to shop at the seconds and recycle clothes stores. This way I figure I can save and allows me to do something nice for myself and children every now and then. I am very grateful for all that I have.
My trip away far exceeded my expectations. The powers above were very kind to me to allow all the pieces to fall into place everywhere I went.
I have attached a photo of my daughter Courtney with our Cavoodle pup Lilly. And also photo of my son Daniel taken only 4 days ago on his birthday.
Thank you for all your photos. I loved the horses running in the water. All the dead animals were a little disturbing. ha ha ha.
Domestic duties once again call as I figure out what to cook for dinner this evening. I hope my message finds you well and in good spirits.
All my best
Lea
===========================================================
From: Shaaun Na (havemind@hotmail.com)
Sent: Sat 7/05/08 6:05 PM
To: Leanne Scales (lscales@optusnet.com.au)
Lea
Sorry for the late response I was really glad about your news and I like your stroy. I can see you have humility that I can learn from you. I was having hard time dealing with my feelings and illusions because I'm in love. So it's not all negative and destructive behaviour.
Basically it starts from the fact that she and I have distance and she is in Mexico now for vacation and I haven't heard from her more than 10 days. Now it's been 15 days.
I actually have learned really fast through this hundreds of feeling and experiencing because constant stimulation makes me feel alive by pain and pleasure then that intensity inhenced by feeling helps me to focus and doing my best to figure out why. Then I use all the knowledge about love, human mind and myself that I have I apply that to my reality and situation. So I truely learning through this process. Everyday what I have been doing was get negative feeling > thinking, reading > realizing new things > then next day reflect. One of thing I realized is humankind cannot live without love, every single cells actually strive love. The difference of behaviour is matter of how much I aware of it, how much I conscious about it.
I'd like to talk about kid. There is limit of understanding as a person who doesn't have a kid but I thought about having and bringing own kid before several times. And so far, my personal idea about kid is that If I have kid I have to be responsible for my kid it's not because of virtue or morality, it's because of respect of human being as a mere human. If I have a kid it's another human being before my kid, it's another soul before another human. I have to think that way. Then as a mere human it's most complex and fragile animal completely depend on it's parents. And I have to ask myself am I capable to provide basic physical, biological, social need? more importantly do I have knowledge and ability to provide all that very sophisticated psychological needs? Isn't that common idea 'nobody is perfect, no parents are perfect, they are doing their best' arrogant and irresponsible excuses? Isn't other soul, human being is more important than my ego that want to have a baby or being a perent for sake of desire of experience? As a person who knows how significant the infulence of parent to kid is, who has a symptom that extremely hard to overcome that occured by lack of perenting, I have to make humble decision. So as a single I won't have kid, but I will not be a single intire my life; as couple, I cannot confirm that decision by myself because I have to consider my half's idea and need. So at this point, I don't know I will have a kid or not in the future. But if my woman and my decision is having a kid, I strongly consider an adoption. I think adoption is one of great act of brotherly love. Thinking of people who already have kid without big conscious, I have strong compassion toward kids of those parents. Sometimes I get angry when I see irresponsible parents. That's why I am not animal activist even though I am a vegan. To me, emergency in this world is not animal cruelty. Lack of love among humankind, especially lack of knowledge and ability of love as a parent, lover, brother and sister, as a human.It's easier to think and say this as a person who doesn't have a kid yet. I respect what you have done to your kids more than 14 years, I think it is extremely hard takecaring two kids in a sametime well. I have no idea about all the parenting skills at different ages. Especially as a divorced parent that make it harder. I can only hope and believe you can do well. I guess you know more than me about great rewarding experience through perantal love because you have experienced.
Anyhow,Let me know what you think, and your news. Thank you for pictures and your wish.
Shaaun
Parth
to: Parth Savla
date: Sun, Jul 20, 2008 at 7:16 PM
subject: Hey my friend Parth
mailed-by: gmail.com
It's Shaaun, how are you doing? I haven't hear from you.
Hey Parth. Thank you for FTP server. I've logged in and tried upload
the files,but it didn't succeed. I think it's because of problem of
internet connection here in the hostel. It was constantly
disconnected. So many small and big frastrations! But I am trying to
make as many video as possible
Man, I feel like slowly dying every day. My current life is like a
candlelight barely burning. In realm of love, I'm taking the test of
patient, but it feels more like bearing and enduring rather than
practice tolerance. No aliveness! I can't stand it. Deceptions of her
thought by feelings and my thought by my feelings killing love,
killing me. It is understandable that all these sufferings are because
of our immaturity, but I am frastrated how harsh to experience the
real "love".
Hey, I'm looking forward to see you again and talk. Good vibe! until then.
Shaaun
=================================================
to: Shaaun Na
date: Mon, Jul 21, 2008 at 2:36 PM
subject: Re: Hey my friend Parth
mailed-by: yahoo.com
Hey Shaaun,
Yeah, my deepest apologies for not having called you back. It's been a hell of a ride, being at all, constantly being pulled in different directions, between mom, dad, post-Convention stuff, and local friends. I'm am REALLY looking forward to getting back to SF. I can't wait to get back to some solitude and a little more free time.
Regarding the FTP server, it's okay if it says disconnected, despite that, your files should be able to upload well.
"Man, I feel like slowly dying every day. My current life is like acandlelight barely burning. In realm of love, I'm taking the test ofpatient, but it feels more like bearing and enduring rather thanpractice tolerance. No aliveness! I can't stand it. Deceptions of herthought by feelings and my thought by my feelings killing
love,killing me. It is understandable that all these sufferings are becauseof our immaturity, but I am frustrated how harsh to experience thereal "love"."I hear ya brother. Keep hanging in there.
Looking forward to chatting when I get back.
Your friend,
Parth
Francisco
Re: Francisco! It's Shaaun again
From: Francisco Santos (teflon_fmrp52@yahoo.com.br)
Sent: Mon 4/28/08 8:47 AM
To: Shaaun Na (havemind@hotmail.com)
Hi Shaaun!!!Sorry it took me so long to write but I was in another town with a computer.So I think you are still on your trip.How is the journey? Any new discovery?Call me some time!!!!Send me same videos!!!Miss talking to you!!
Francisco
=====================================================================
Shaaun Na (havemind@hotmail.com)
Sent: Mon 5/05/08 1:29 PM
To: Francisco Santos (teflon_fmrp52@yahoo.com.br)
Hey Francisco I'm at SF now I've completed my walk on April 25th. After that I've been start from nothing. It was very crucial experience to me and I just feel great about it. Actually I feel like my journey is not over yet even though I'm trying to settle in this city. Man, SF is better than I expected, it is lovely-diversity, variety of cultures, every things compact, well developed urban life style, so many attractive WOMEN. So many things happened after I came here. I've stayed at hostel one night then I realize I don't have money anymore so I've stayed at two different shelters two night and got a temporary job from stranger on the street, got a place to stay for a while from the stranger woman on the bus stop.... I'm doing job hunting everyday little by little. And trying to publish a book about my thought and experience of love through this journey and my whole life. I want to share and help the people like me and for the woman I love that's purpose of publishing a book. I expect it will take time but that's the only way I can be productive and walk my own life path at a same time. That's what I figured out from walking journey.I'll be able to make video clip after I settle and get my PC. I'll keep contact you before then, So far, you are the only guy I've met who can converse with me and share the idea about love. I miss talking to you too man.Let me know how's your life going now.
Shaaun
===================================================================
From: Francisco Santos (teflon_fmrp52@yahoo.com.br)
Sent: Fri 6/13/08 7:40 AM
Reply-to: teflon_fmrp52@yahoo.com.br
To: Shaaun Na (havemind@hotmail.com)
Hello Shaun,I´m very happy to hear from you!!!How was the walk? Tell me all the details!!I think that SF is the most beautiful town that I´ve ever seen...Where are you staying there?Do you have msn or skype? We have to talk by microphone!!Send me pictures!!!here in Brazil, everything is the same. I broke up with my last girlfriend. We need to talk more.Give a call sometime!!!
Francisco
====================================================================
From: Shaaun Na (havemind@hotmail.com)
Sent: Fri 6/13/08 11:52 AM
To: teflon_fmrp52@yahoo.com.br
Hey Francisco, I'm glad to hear from you again. man First of all, sorry to hear your relationship is ended. I hope both of you and your last girlfriend will not suffer too much from that. I would listen and share about it if you want to, But I don't have money to buy phone card, so I might try to have skype program. My msn ID is same as this e-mail address. I'm in USA SF hostel, same company that we stayed in San Diego. I'm working here 24 hours per week and staying free. And I have been looking for another job since I came in this city; it's not easy as much as I thought. About walking, I'll send you files first. These files are all from footage that I recorded. I'm working on making my blog website to put videos and my idea and story about love on. I'll invite you to the blog website as soon as it is ready.Good news is I have met a lovely woman on my walk. I'm trying to love her not just like her. Do you remember I explained about love is act and giving? This is first time I am experiencing love as an will and act not based on desire and need. I feel great about my big one step development of my ability of love that I've learn and knew as knowledge of thought. She lives in Illinois that makes evey things hard to do something for her, so I had suffer from it and I've decided to go and see her to love. One of thing I've realize from walking is I have attained faith, courage, and inner power that really able to take risk everything to love. There are still many things I have to develop the abilities of love through discipline and practice even just among my knowledge. Personality development and ability of love have serious correlation. I think focusing on developing my ability of love is all about discover the mystery of human.My point of discover mystery of human is to have knowledge so I have more power to help fellow human beings. As you know that point of being medical doctor is help other human being because you have the knowledge-physical, biological, chemical, neurological, anatomical aspect of human being-which is part of truth that you learn by serious study. Thus you have power to help other. It's joyous experience because you feel your power, great energy by what you do. I hope you will experience that when you become a doctor. And I exciting when I think about beauty of studying love, beauty of it is to gain true knowledge, all the learning and practice procedure should be done in a humanistic and an universal way and I can learn only through my own experience. Additionally, in the process of learning and experiencing loving contain full of pleasure sensations. Here is hilarious thing about myself.When I arrived in San Francisco, I had only $92 but I didn't even worry about making money for food. I borrow some money after but I have not meet stable financial resource yet. I haven't done anything to get a job last 4 days even though I really need money for food. Now I have only $180. I spent all time for joyous of loving instead of other activities that I can get basic need by doing it. I had a funny hypothesis at day before last day of my walking. 'If love is energy,(do you remember I mention love is pure human energy and how it works?) and if I can get that energy from other person which is me being loved by other, is it possible to live without eating?', 'It could be, consider everything is energy in the universe and we human actually can experience energy of universe and becoming one with universe through meditation.' 'Also it's common experience we empowered and feel energetic by love and be loved' It was spontaneous and extreme thought occurred by my situation that I don't have money. Hey man, I gotta go now I'll attach files on e-mail by 2 times because they are big. Let me know your msn and skype I.D. You can call me anytime. Have a great one.
Shaaun
7/16/2008 on Skype talking to Francisco
[12:59:56 AM] Shaaun Na says: I just want to talk with you about what you mention before.
[1:00:28 AM] Shaaun Na says: I remember you said that those girls are difficult, do you remember?
[1:01:15 AM] Shaaun Na says: I acutally had similar thought months ago in San Diego
[1:01:34 AM] Shaaun Na says: I was thought about giving and suddenly I was wonder
[1:02:20 AM] Shaaun Na says: What if the woman that I want to give something for has everything?
[1:02:55 AM] Shaaun Na says: What if she has every psychologycal needs and sociologycal need?
[1:04:37 AM] Shaaun Na says: If she is health enough mentally, physically, emotionally and if she is wealthy enough so she doesn't need any more matrial things.
[1:05:27 AM] Shaaun Na says: If her job is what she always wanted to do and she is passionate about it and satisfy about it.
[1:06:27 AM] Shaaun Na says: Then there is nothing I can give to her that what she "needs".
[1:08:07 AM] Shaaun Na says: I am well aware about the form of relationships that immature love is I love the person because I need that person, and mature love is I need that person because I love that person.
[1:10:21 AM] Shaaun Na says: So if I can only give(as love) something to her who needs something, I can't say I am really having a healthy, interdependent relationship.
[1:11:37 AM] Shaaun Na says: But realistically, what can I do to that kind of wonder woman who has both outer power and inner power?
[1:13:33 AM] Shaaun Na says: My giving probably not really significan to those kind of woman because what I do is not really necessity to her.
[1:19:30 AM] Shaaun Na says: But I want to have/experience healthy and more mature relationship that two independent individuals giving something important to each other but not mare psychological, sociological need. Something beyond that.
[1:22:36 AM] Shaaun Na says: I haven't get conclusion yet just that was questions that I had before. I just remember what you said and that was relate with this question.
[1:28:26 AM] Shaaun Na says: And also what I'm experiencing with Katie is this kind of case. She is a girl who grew up in good enviornment(no family problem) and never failed in her life, socially doing excellent (she is only 23 and already has done 2 years of graduate school. she will be a psychologist in 3 years).
[1:32:11 AM] Shaaun Na says: And she is physically healthy and good looking and good attitude, and she has decent personality. So because of that obviously she get lots of love from family, friend, social people and attracts many guys.
[1:38:37 AM] Shaaun Na says: So I think she might not feel something strong appreciation/gratefulness from others giving because that's normal to her. She expressed her gratefulness but it might not strong feeling to her as less attractive, less independent, less healty women.
[1:43:26 AM] Shaaun Na says: So I thought, "Damn, it's gonna be really hard to make her satisfied." even though it's not something wrong with her.
[1:47:21 AM] Shaaun Na says: Meantime, if I do giving to someone who needs a lot, who is lack of everything. It's also very difficult provide all those her needs.
[1:59:35 AM] Shaaun Na says: I've met that kind of woman, she is my first friend in San Francisco, she has most messed up life I've ever seen.(Don't get me wrong, I am not look down her, inspite of her life, I really think she is beautiful person because of her beautiful mind. And I like her as a friend.) And I thought about loving her then it made me question to myself "Can I handle her? I mean am I capable to take care of her? Relationship with her will requires really broad mind, patient, effort, time. I might just consume all my energy, be exhausted and still not able to make her satisfied and I won't get any pleasure as well."
[2:27:29 AM] Shaaun Na says: I was really disappointed in Katie after that phone call and angry about the situation that failure producing love within her and failure falling in love with her and fail to make relationship. You know.
[2:30:37 AM] Shaaun Na says: but after express all those anger and frustration and disappointment, (I recorded myself) I could be more objective after let those feelings go.
[2:31:54 AM] Shaaun Na says: I rememberd that I had told to myself "Focus on love, dude"
[2:34:08 AM] Shaaun Na says: So what am I going to do? After realizing those expection of her is merely my misjudgement which is not her fault.
[2:34:54 AM] Shaaun Na says: I also well know that I have to accept the person, love the person as she is, not because of potential of her.
[2:36:41 AM] Shaaun Na says: If my decision is giving up my love because of disappointment of her, that's something far from accepting and unconditional giving.
[2:39:04 AM] Shaaun Na says: And I used to give up right after rejected by women, which is decision just based on my hurt feeling. Even though my idea was 'I give up because of I have to respect and accept her decision'. But actually that idea is good excuse and manifestation of afraid/fear of not being loved.
[2:40:35 AM] Shaaun Na says: And Erich Fromm said that in deep down, it's actually more like afraid of love(as an act).
[2:41:29 AM] Shaaun Na says: The memory of that sentence just stroke me.
[2:54:46 AM] Shaaun Na says: That's true. I am not really afraid of get hurt again but afraid of
not be loved which is more like inability to do unconditional giving and accept her as she is. If I want to practice and experience that true love, great love, I have to do this; unconditional giving which I've never done before and never seen before from anybody. My love was not big enough, not real giving, more like narcissistic act. So that's why I couldn't produce love within her. She didn't feel it.
[3:00:42 AM] Shaaun Na says: And I wanted to love her no matter what she feels now. She gives me a challenge! I talked to myself "Girl, I'm gonna love you even if your reaction is not what I wanted", "And I know that willingness makes me feel great, the act of love gives me good energy", "I'm gonna do giving no matter what she react."
7/28/2008 Monday
So what? My tendency, perfectionism, makes me have a hard time because of what I want to do, that what I try to do is freaking too much. It's not something average person can do it. Ofcourse I suffer by trying it! It's just like kids who play with tennis ball try to do professional tennis. Obviously that kids will hurt.
Anyhow, the chances are not high. Kid;I will most likely fail if I try too difficult thing. But still dilemma is my tendency that always do ahrd way, difficult way. Because of the stimulation and motivation. Even though, I learn really well from that decipline and challenge harsh fact that I don't make it happen now because of lack of the skills, arts! It's also not only my inability. Her inability and immaturity is important fact as well. That 's why love is so hard to practice I can't do it practice by myself. I can practice certain things that require for love by myself but not when I'm in love. When I play tennis with other person I can't do all by myself. If two player's level is too different, both of them will not develop much from that practice. Compatability...ah. But how I learn this so much and so fast through this? It's my ability, insight and intuition. I can learn from realsituation well.
So now, back to the point where I am at, what do I want? And what should be done for that? So far what I've been doing was trying hard, do my best for idealistic result, otherwise I would not satisfy about my action. But it's still my ego. If I more care about her, I should help her to experience the love. Other wise it's just two people struggling;not enjoyable and tired. It's like playing a Beach valley ball as one on one. But the goal is not to win. Goal is play long and enjoy, develop the skills. I can't force her or make her play better suddenly. I can only support her. And hopefully I can develop myself by doing it; giving and supporting.
Finding right match with me is harder than finding a needle on the Beach. If I can't find a practice partner, best action for love is practice by myself that helps the art of love. Now I realize I have to lose that my ego, expectation, even though it is hard to not expect from whom I attracted to.
Let see how it feels that just support and help her and I've got to figure out why it's so hard to lose my ego. What Katie and I did in past was love but after certain point, I lost my patient and care, respect. My ego and expectation and need overcame me. That's what happened.