Looking back this year 2008

December/30/2008

"Video" Reading my random statements from Dec 23rd

For the record

A dream analysis 1

The day that I dreamt :Dec 13th

Any given Winter day

It's been long time didn't write, record, upload, express.

After came back from meditation course

October 26th

Time to fly

http://app.server.dhamma.org/cgi-bin/pforms/1.2/appform?venue=mahavana&course=4907&lang=en

^^Video^^ End of September, end of the love and...

9/30/2008

In the morning I had conversation with Diane while we folding the laundries. She is thirty years old French woman and lawyer. We talked several topics-law, personal idea of having a kid and I sensed that she has mature mentality as all grown up real woman. So I started talk about my problem. Of course, it's about love.

Basically, I said things like these

"I don't understand why I am suffering now."


"Why it's not happening even though I am ready?"


"It's been 3 years I have been being ready."


"I am 26 and I'm not with my woman. that's tragedy."

Then she answered like these

"26 is still so young."

"Things happen when you are not think about"

Nothing is a new statement, same old common idea but I decide to listen because I need objectivity that from other people's reality level. I wanted to know other people's consciousness So I don't go destructive by my own reality that is distorted. I wanted to listen her because she is my age woman who got decent personality development.

And I mention that I actually have a girl that I love in my mind. Told her about Katie that it is one side love and I am ready to let her go. But I can't find any other woman so that makes me miss Katie again and I stuck on it.

Diane said that maybe that's the reason hard to meet other woman. I knew it, I was thinking same way.

And I told her it's been 6 months and I did really the best of myself. I loved her with real acts not only mere emotion and feeling. Love that girl with no relationship and with distance it's extremely difficult but I wanted to do my best. So I don't have regret. And Diane understood that person who did best doesn't have regret.

I kept go on "She doesn't even response. It's completely unfair and I know and I accepted about unfairness because fairness is not really principle of love."

She pointed out "Probably she is not interested in you."

"I know she is not attracted to me. I knew she has average girl's concept." "Mostly older women are much more compatible with me and in spite of her age, I decided to do my best." "I wanted to do giving and do everything I can think of for practice the love, for doing my best." "So this was a really big challenge."

Diane said "Maybe she is not doesn't want to give you hope." "She concern that if she respond you, you would have hope of possibility which will make you more suffer later."

"But is that the attitude towards person who like you should be?" "Is that her best?" "Isn't there ways to make it nice if you want to reject somebody?" "Where is respect?!" "She doesn't even thankful about the fact that somebody love her." "Humanistic mind! you know?"

It's one other thing I already thought about many times and it's not even new experience that woman doing that to me. That's one of thing I was really disappointed about Katie; one of same old ordinary girl's attitude.
Truth is, Katie, who has ordinary people's consciousness level cannot see my level of consciousness. Which is like this 'I know what her intention is but that's not humanistic enough to me because lack of consideration/responsibility/compassion for the one who love and having heart ache.'
Katie, just as other girls, doesn't know, she doesn't understand that people like me don't quit/give up by immature/passive/non humanistic reaction. And because of that we suffer/hurt more by seeing and taking those irresponsible act:hiding and ignoring. Does she really think she can trick or pretend to people like me? And that hiding/ignoring/pretending make me less hurt? That's only work to somebody who cannot see beyond her outer act/expression. If she can see what I see, she would not make same decision, maybe same. Her point of view, telling me she doesn't feel any difference is honest and best attitude for me...but in my standard, that's not enough at all. Katie doesn't even appreciate about some body like her. She doesn't know how to say thank you for love. I am not just criticizing with hypocrisy. I have done expressing my feeling and idea to the girls who liked me with truthful honesty and consideration. I make sure that girl doesn't hurt by me/my act and expression even though the fact that she was rejected and failed might hurt her. I know how to do that. The girl said she thankful about my mature attitude. And only one other woman was able to do same thing when she reject me and I didn't feel hurt much I rather appreciated her mature reaction as that girl felt thankfulness to me.
And I am willing to and able to take her honest true expression-she doesn't want to love me because she doesn't feel like to love me which is nothing special case. Same old misconception of love within most people. Probably there is subconsciousness that she is afraid of confront that fact see herself as a person lacking of acceptance and responsibility.

Diane said, "She is not able to do that"

I said,"I know, I have to accept that she is not able to do that." "But it would be nice if she react more humanistic way instead of non obvious expression like no responding or hiding or avoiding." "And I want to ask her to do that but I know can't ask that especially when she is not able to do that yet. She is just 23"

Diane said "No, no if you ask that to her it will be too embarrass her."

"Yeah...I'd better not ask."

"But there was just one thing I wanted to do." "I wanted to go to her home and see her and show her that there is a man who did this for her...just for giving a good memory for her."

"No,no, no, no. don't do that" Diane cut me.

I cut her, "No ,no,no, it's not like that, I'm not going to ask anything about accepting my love or giving me love or be my girlfriend. nothing like that." "That's not what I want to do. My intention is sharing the beauty of my life." "People like me who able to put love first priority of their life." "She maybe can see that feel that beauty because she is a human, too." "I am able to do that. I have done this kind of thing to other woman before even it was shorter distance." "But that one was more like for me but this time is different I don't do this for me. I really just want to do it as giving." "I'm gonna just come back right after show that."

Diane said "She doesn't like you so she will be upset when you do that." "You sure can do that but if she doesn't have that big concept she cannot understand it." "You cannot change that person's concept."

"Right...you are right...I can't change." "And it's my ego doing that even I already know that I am able to do it and showing that her is not really for her...it's for me." "To make my life more beautiful, make my story more beautiful...so...it's pointless."

"Yeah..." Diane nodded.

"Okay...I will not do that." I smiled,"Hooaa...again, acceptance, that's the last thing I had to learn from this love."

Dian asked me, "I've seen another guy like you I don't understand. why you keep doing that instead of stop." "Why you go toward pain?" "Don't you want to be happy?"

"My type of people has bigger/deeper capacity of emotion so we continuously take it until can't take it anymore even though it's painful." "And we have perfectionism our tendency is to see the end until it is crystal clear." "So I was keep practicing the love even though I already figured out same conclusion." "And that actually helps a lot to learn and grow up." "Because of that persistence I could learn from the experiences." "If I quit when it's not too hard, I could not have learn this much."

Then I realized, 'My last lesson from this experience; I have to think objectively and when thing is impossible to love, I have to accept the fact that I can't do anything for her and for love of her. Maybe let her be herself, completely let her be free is one of act of love that only thing I can do, I have to do.'

'Bye...I am finally done and completely finished what I had to do.'
And I felt big relief and freedom 'Wow, I actually feel like got out of jail that I locked myself.'

"Now I can write this as one chapter of my story." "Somethings became productive", I smiled.

"Thank you Diane, I really appreciate it." "I needed to talk with other person because I wanted to see this from out side of my own reality." "It was very helpful."






I sure felt big relief and freedom. I actually felt being freed and refreshing all day . But there was something weird feeling in my mind. Meantime, it was arising inside of me. Something conflicted with excitement and freedom. I couldn't clearly notice that until evening. And when I came back to the hostel room and sit. I realized what it was...It was sadness. 'Yeah, it is not totally pleasant event. The fact that one love is finished is not really something to celebrate about.' I decided to listen my emotion carefully. And little degree of my mind telling me ignore it or suppressed it. Subconsciousness tried to rationalize it, 'this event; end of love is good for me and I should not feel sad about this.' But I questioned to that 'Is it really?' 'Why should I deny this emotion and blinded myself? for what? Am I scare of feel that sadness?' 'Hell no, I am not a coward and I am strong enough.' 'I'm gonna face it, that's Shaaun, as always.' So I decided to listen proper music for that moment and let everything go thoroughly.

Sarasate - Zigeunerweisen

6months of love by will. It was one of most difficult challenge/practice in my life. My first romantic love was 11 years of one-side love. I have swore to myself never wait anybody and I never did after that. But this time was one-side love. Why I did it? I think because I had to do that. Since I figured out what I have to be and that is exactly what I want to be, every choices and decisions that I made are just what I had to do at the moment. It was somewhat more difficult(not tough) than 26 months of army/prison experience. This time, the circumstance and situation were terribly harsh; it was one side attraction, one side love, no relationship, I had long distance with her,I was financially unstable,I had unstable social status, she and I are different type of characteristic and trait, younger woman(different life stage and emotional maturity). It certainly gave me extreme stress, pain, sorrow. And there was extremely pleasant moment and experience as well. Overall, it was of course very meaningful and quite significant 6 months of my life.
Any type of serious discipline is not easy, much more discipline the art of loving! There are far less masters of love than masters of any other human activities. Again, in realm of love, practice itself is always possible only in real situation and real situation is practice. And difficulty of discipline the art of love is it requires certain level of personality development that include high human consciousness level(knowledge of myself and person that I love, objectivity, knowledge of theory of love), virtues(patient,care, respect, responsibility), concentration, sensitivity, intensity, pro-activity, and willingness.
Through this experience what I've attained are not only bigger and deeper consciousness, knowledge, abilities of love. I actually found two big type of love. Love of life and self-love.

Relative link:

Erotic Love

July 6th-Healing process day1

July 7th-healing process Day2(sadness, depression, bitterness, serenity)

9-20-2008 Day blog

Self-Liberation

Liberating Everyday Genius p.354 Self-liberation, Mary Elaine Jacobsen

What does "liberate thyself" mean for us? It means taking ourselves seriously, embracing our differences, maturing our choices from outer control to inner rule, and doing the work and making the sacrifices necessary to live from the inside out. We don't reveal ourselves to gratify our ego, nor are we naive sacrificial lambs ready to be exploited for the wrong purpose. Rather, we are on our own, wholly free for the first time because we have reached the point where we no longer need to seek persmission from anyone or anything outside of our own soul.

This is the point of realization we've been working toward, when we have achieved both self-definition and self-mastery. We are finally safe to reveal ourselves, because our gifts of ability have been tested by experience and tempered by what we have learned and what we know we must do. The apparently random revelations that have occurred in seemingly unrelated moments are now clearly connected to our very center. What was once an unconscious pressure to reach a goal is now a conscious strategy to fulfill a distinct purpose. Before, we were fainthearted in the activation of our gifts; we stopped and started many times over the years, uncertain of our destination and purpose.

Because we have come to accept our First Nature traits, we can also accept the fact that Everyday Geniuses cannot escape the pull of personal destiny. The subtle messages of our inner agenda call us in quiet moments of the night and echo in scattered moments during our busy days. They call us to liberate our thoughts and abilities and to free ourselves from the glamours of the ego so that we may carry out the revolutionary acts of which we are capable. We sense this guiding presence and know it has immense power. Now that we've accepted our Mandated Mission, we're more focused than ever before. Over the years we come to recognize the mysterious force that provides us with direction whenever we get too far off course. Sometimes the wake-up call is like a practical joke. Oftentimes it is painful-the voice of truth that can be heard only when we've wandered into the wilderness.

Although we learn to accept the puzzling course of our destiny, even when we increase our consciousness and listen with great willingness to the soul's intentions, we are repeatedly frustrated by how unclear these revelations are. We get bits and pieces here and there-images, powerful emotional reactions, disappointments, and dreams. We may resonably wonder why the path of destiny must be so full of detours, especially those bumpy side roads we seem to travel until we learn to heed the stop signs. Wouldn't it all be so much easier if each of us came into the world fully assembled and with a toe tag that carried explicit directions? "This is a Type XZ300-4K Model. The purpose of this model is...For best results...Never...Handle with care."

And yet nothing so vital as personal destiny could ever be so simple. Which means there is no use in waiting to go forward until we are absolutely sure of our direction and filled with confidence, for as break-through thinkers called to stick our necks out and change the status quo, we never obtain that level of certainty. Uncertainty is the draw. It is the future. It is the realm of possibility.

We know this, and yet we all want to have it both ways-to forge agead daringly in our creative acts and yet proceed without fear of failure. To fulfill our high potential autonomously we are quite willing to take on the challenges of the world if we can do so comfortably, and with a reasonable promise of success.

Many times we feel just like my seventeen-year-old Everyday Genius client who complained: "If I'm supposed to be using my mind and talents to do something important, what's the point of having to grope around in the dark all the time? I'm listening, I'm willing, so why can't we just get on with it? Hand me the outline or a map or something, so I don't have to waste time looking in the wrong places and doing the wrong thing. I don't get it!"

We don't get it, and it does seem chaotic. It must be chaotic becuase the flip side of dynamic creativity-Revolutionary Action-is filled with confusion, uncertainty, and momentary despair. The journey of self-actualization is never an easy one. It is a long, unpredictable, and arduous trek, not a simple trip to the corner wisdom store, and certainly not a destination with reserved seating.

@#$Prearrange@#$ Need and desire

(10/02/2008) Is need-human needs-absolute necessity? Is desire that is something always within us? What is desire and what is need? In realm of love, how crucial need and desire are to love and to be loved? Is it something we cannot ever overcome it? Is that existance of need and desire or not even matter in love? Is love can exist without need and desire? Are all the concepts and theories about "real love" is really mean regardless of needs and desire? or the definitiaon of real love only contain certain/particular need and desire? I am questioning and I have to question these because I am experiencing it as a problem. And to get it, to beyond it, to love, I need to face it and deal with it.

@#$Incomplete@#$ Correlation between the art of loving and surfing

Need to add more example and detail idea.

Video recorded 6/29/2008

@#$Prearrange@#$ Greatness of getting old

Why I feel good to be old and greatness about aging that most of people can't think of.

6/29 Ask to Francisco and my concept

Last night(9/28) I couldn't sleep again because of painful imagination, dissatisfaction and unfulfilled desire/need. It was amazing experience that I actually learn from past of myself. When I needed to find the answer of overcome my suffering by my own distorted reality, I watch this footage instead of read book or just thinking. And I actually learned from this footage what I needed to remember and find objectivity.

Relative link: 6/29 self reflection

@#$In Progress@#$ ^^Video^^ 6-29 self reflection

It needs more explaination by writing to make better understanding.

footage is distorted

Relative link: Ask to Francisco and my concept

9/27/2008 counteract to negative feelings

It was Saturday and day off. Weather was nice and I sure had a good and long day.

9-28-2008 my new statement:
"Never lose self-love and love of life because those are basic source of all other love."

Relative link: Self love, love of life

@#$Prearrange@#$ Kidney Stone experience

Knarly...but meaningful

^^Video^^ September 26th Day Vlog

Intensity:Quantitatively Different

Liberating Everyday Genius, P.258 Mary-Elaine Jacobsen

Considering how we are quantitatively different from others allows us to bring together the gifted subtraits of sensitivity and high excitability under the single category of intensity. Intensity is primarily a matter of increased arousal. It is the result of a sensory, neural, and emotional network that is more receptive and more responsive, extending higher, deeper, and farther than that of the average person. This umbrella trait encompasses verbal agility, excitability, a strong sense of humor, exceptional concentration, empathy, emotional sensitivity, and high energy.
Intensity means that many things command our attention and call for a response. This sensitivity shows us things that others seem to ignore or miss altogether. We are qualitatively different in this way because we are more energetic, more emotionally reactive, more excitable, more passionate, more responsive, more self-aware, more committed, and more empathic. In other words, our extraordinarily sensitive nervous systems require us to make our way through life with all the advantages and disadvantages of being endowed with an ultrasensitive body, mind, and spirit.
Intensity can be seen in many forms of expression, including high levels of activity and animation, deep emotional reaction, a display of what looks like impulsivity, rapid speech, nervous habits, complaints about sound or small discomforts, and strong reactions to the problems and feelings of others. It is not surprising that until we find effective ways to manage our intense natures, we run the risk of wearing ourselves and others out.
Everyday Geniuses are constantly penetrated by life. It's fascinating, yet not surprising, that studies of the physiological characteristics of gifted children indicate a greater incidence of allergies. Our internal and external worlds are raining stimuli constantly. Even though I categorize the intensities of giftedness in quantitative terms, they make a huge qualitative difference as well. Our expansive arousal system makes us walking, talking electronic detectors. As one researcher put it, being so very sensitive makes for an entirely different sort of life experience:"vivid, absorbing, penetrating, encompassing, complex, commanding-a way of being quiveringly alive."
One of my clients described his experience with intensity this way: "Lots of people around me seem to passively observe a lot of things that get under my skin and set off reactions. It's always been like that for me-awareness in, reaction out. When it's bad I feel like I've been hit by an anvil, shattered like cartoon characters but without the instant recovery. That's the deep pit where I feel lost and alone. But when it's good, it's as if all my nerve endings are deliciously electrified; I'm on fire inside and swept off my feet by the passion and energy that washes over me. That's the pinnacle where I am truly alive and at my best."
In ordinary circumstances the same form of vitality needed to create transcendent moments can turn in an instant and produce unpleasant events. All everyday Geniuses know exactly what it's like at that instant-time is suspended, the tone shifts dramatically from positive to negative, and the looks aimed your way tell you loud and clear that you've gone too far. Though intensity incorporates a powerful set of potential assets, when unchecked our natural excitability and emotionality can overpower or repel others. Although they would not be overpowering in a group of their peers, even quiet Everyday Geniuses are sometimes very dominant in a setting of people who are naturally less intense.
Everyday Geniuses who dare to talk fast and express much more than "normal" individuals are quickly educated in social rules about this form of intensity, verbal agility. They are just being themselves, and they are confused when others pull away from their emotional depth. Yet in the real world such rejection comes with the turf. When our intensity is running at full throttle, there are always those who rapidly reach their saturation point and show it with the roll of an eye and a sigh. They have had all they can take for now. If we fail to heed their signals, it soon becomes obvious that those around us who feel trodden upon can and will turn against us, especially if our exuberance makes them feel inadequate or left out.
For some people more is not better, especially when it comes to expressions of emotion,. Everyday Geniuses' empathic interest and unusual capacity for closeness can easily miscarry if other people feel the protective walls of emotional distance closing in before they are ready. To them, getting too intimate too soon stirs up anxiety, which is often followed by a hasty retreat. Without understanding why this happens, it appears to the fast-paced gifted person who feels secure that others are either emotionally disconnected or disinterested in what they have to say.
Like it or not, the same thing that makes us stand out and apart also requires us to hold back at times, to make room for others' styles of expression and slower pace, as well as lesser degrees of comfort with passionate feelings. One Everyday Genius defended himself this way: "Sometimes the people who think I'm overmuch are the ones I find undermuch-less sensitive, less responsive, less spirited. To my way of thinking, that's simply less alive." Yet these kinds of self-justification are unnecessary when we understand that no one is really over-or underintense; rather, individuals simply fall on different places along the broad spectrum of intensity.
Consciously gatekeeping intensity to manage and direct its flow is critical to the fulfillment of our entrusted personal missions. Yet none of us will find it easy to face the shadow side of Everyday Genius until our admirable side feels grounded and reasonably secure. After several months of counseling, Glenda came to know and accept herself as a gifted adult, which made it possible for her to see herself in a new, more welcoming light. This, of course, was a prerequisite for her to be willing to delve into the shadow side of giftedness, to see more clearly how her intensity played out in her daily life in ways that kept her from reaching her potential.
Increasingly Glenda became aware of how she had never managed or protected her highly sensitive constitution. Without realizing she had any effect on her exposed level, she had become used to chronic vulnerability and the exhaustion that accompanies stimulation overload. For Glenda, life had always been a high-volume pitch-and-roll escapade, like living at Great Adventure during high season. Moreover, being as porous as sponge to every visual, auditory, tactile, aromatic, emotional, and internally produced twinge of stimulation, Glenda's exceptional gifts were increasingly underpowered. The catalyst that caused a breakthrough for Glenda was a reawakened childhood memory:
Glenda: When I woke up this morning it hit me like a ton of bricks. All the things we've been talking about, especially the piece about intensity, reminded me of one afternoon twenty years ago. It was the day I decided to try on the world with my senses dialed way down. I stuffed my ears and covered them with earmuffs, put on an old pair of glasses to make everything fuzzy, sucked on some alum to numb out my mouth, and insulated myself from head to toe with mittens and sweaters so I could hardly feel anything from the outside. I even put on the nose plug I used for swimming. Then I went out to the backyard and walked around. I'll never forget it. It was surreal, like floating around in a cotton cloud. At first I liked it- it was so quiet, so undisturbed. I remember thinking: "This must be what it's like for everybody else."
Of course, covering up my sensory radar didn't work for long, then or now. But it struck me that when things get to be too much I can put myself on "mute" for a while. I can even stay away from things like upsetting movies and pushy crowds without having to explain myself. I can adjust the amount of my exposure as the situation demands. I'm the one in charge of my intensity, and not the other way around. Until now I never thought there was an alternative to the extremes-anesthetized or emotionally raw. Now I can see how critical it is for me to protect myself from too much stimulation-especially invasions of negative energy.

Excitability and sensitivity are genuine gifts. However, like all valuable commodities, gifted intensities must be monitored so it can be allocated wisely. This is why one of the essential parts of self-mastery is to find others like us with whom we can be open and authentic without fear of judgment or reprisal-a peer group in which it's acceptable and normal to go fast, far, and deep. Such validation will make it easier to regulate the outer expression of our intensities with those who don't share our hardwiring. In the same way that we are offended when our intensity is criticized as "too much," we must not disparage others who experience life less intensely. Acceptance is an equal-opportunity issue. Besides, our natural preference for diversity makes this adjustment an unavoidable rung on our ladder of Advanced Development and personal evolution.
Impulsiveness and flightiness have traditionally been confused with a subtrait of gifted intensity: excitability. It is often laced with judgement and misinterpreted as being restless, high-strung, or emotionally combustible. But for the Everyday Genius who manages it, excitability is an invaluable source of enthusiasm, motivation, and empathy that is key to humanistic accomplishment. The importance of excitability cannot be overstated for two fundamental reasons: (1) it is directly and inexorably tied to creative productivity in a cause-and -effect relationship, and (2) it is both a trait and a need. It is because Everyday Geniuses are relentlessly curious, easily aroused, and perennially open to new experience that they are equipped to passionately pursue a wide range of interests. And it is because they feed their need for stimulation that they constantly revitalize their indomitable spirits.
Intensity makes Everyday Geniuses stimulation seekers more than simulation avoiders. For them, life is brimming with possibility, endless avenues of discovery and excitement. With an entire system that is energized and engaged, the life of an Everyday Genius is filled with an unshakable sense of urgency-so many options, so little time.
When the Everyday Genius is well-informed and a prudent self-manager, life can be a series of exciting events that evolve within a deeply meaningful process. Although it rarely happens according to our schedule, mastering our assets puts within reach our willingness to go the distance to achieve our goals. By learning to discriminate between meeting challenges and reckless risk taking, we can make better decisions about when and where to say "stop" or "go" to ourselves. Learning to feel with instead of for others gives us a chance to be fully and intimately involved without being drained dry. By giving ourselves the authority to protect our sensory systems, we can prevent stimulation overload without the deadness that comes from taking refuge in monotony.
Remember, intensity is not equivalent to being touchy. Rather, it is about being profoundly in touch. If we are too afraid of rejection of betrayal, we can rein in our intense personalities for the sake of conformity. If we throw caution to the wind and let our intense natures run wild, we may find ourselves alienated and sabotaged by our own actions. Unless we learn to regulate our intensities and skillfully channel them, we play a dangerous game of chance, and in the end may lose the chances we deserve.

@#$In Progress@#$ Love of life

The reason people suicide is to stop the pain and suffer, to not feel that pain. Execpt the case of scrifice them self for love. Irrational case that scrifice for social virtue/mare idea such as patriotism, tradition. Back to the former case, to stop suffer, they quit the life. Indeed we live to feel, feel good. But if I love my life I don't suicide in spite of pain. It is because I put love first than painful feeling that want to avoid. Love of life. Facing what this life/human being experience that meant to be, for greater good. even if I can't think of what is that greater good just accept that and fully being in the moment.

*In Progress* Attraction

Attraction is not a love. Inspite of this category is concept of love, I choose to talk about attraction because it's one of most problematic matter within our contemporary society. Well, only if you agreed that love is that much important. We have biggest misunderstanding of love by attraction and that misunderstanding create distraction and obstacle of experiencing love in our life.

Attraction is not a component of the art of loving. It's not a practice of love nor factor of personality development. It is phenomena that appear in function of love. Attraction itself is not a part of principle of loving. But it relates to energy flow of love because it's energy as well. There is parts that intersected with love and attraction. Attraction is one of human experience, feeling, chemical movement in our brain. If I like something or material "thing" I say that attract me, I'm interested in something. Same goes with between human beings. And in a realm of love, if I strictly call it, I should call it "like" not love. Why? Let's using some rationality. Why attraction is not love? Why it is like? What's the difference between like and love?

Let's start from easy one. Why we like something or someone? When do we use I like this I like that I like her/him? There must be the reason of it based on one of simple truth:cause and effect. I like it/her/him because...blah blah blah. We say "I don't know why I like it/him/her," only when we are not aware of the reason, cause. That case is because of our lack of consciousness. Although, I cannot know 100% of all the reasons why I like, I can explain as much as my consciousness reaches. We sometime can't understand at all about things we feel and do thus we can't explain why. And some people misunderstood that there is no reason. Many time people say,"Things just happened." That's not humble attitude. I rather say, "I can't understand the reason."

I said feel, "like" is feeling. And attraction is the feeling of like. Most of human probably experienced that strong feeling toward to the other person"I like her/him so bad." Then we think I love her/him because feeling is overwhelming. Feeling create another phenomena-heart ache, missing, nervous. I used to be that way since I was kid until age 23 when I start to understand the concept of love and able to distinguish my feeling and idea of love.

(May/26/Monday/2008)Talking of love, especially in erotic/romantic love, attraction is one of big factor of our behavior. It certainly influence us in act of love. On a date, relationship, any forms of erotic love, the position of attraction is everywhere. So I'm not sure where do I start now. For right now, I want to talk about how attraction usually happen in modern society as I've experienced. Let's start from very beginning moment of our contact with our object of attraction. For example, from my experience, in daily bases, I see some woman on a street, cafe, book store, library, park, grocery store, restaurant, public transportation, the beach, a hostel. No matter what is my position-what I am doing; work,customer,just passing,visit,relaxing-in that place, stimulation starts if I see someone attractive. Then, what is attractive mean? It is of course all different to all people. But one common thing we all experience, the feeling, we all feel something by attraction. Without clear notice what is reason of that feeling, we are already stimulated. Real example, good look, attitude, good voice, word what that woman said, body language, etc. through all human expressions. Just the person's appearance itself might be considered non expression, but it is actually already expressed by human nature because we humans are also the creation of universe.

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(Sep/17/2008) Let me explain by some real example from my personal life. It was 2007, I was in a cafeteria in a college. I was about to start eating my lunch that I cooked at home. One lady came and sit in front of my table. I said "Hi" with smile, She hi back to me. Then few seconds later she started to talk. "So, how are you?" Then conversation started. My brain getting informaiton, through verbal and non verbal signals. My consciousness does few things; focus on what she saying and what I am saying and how she behave and react. Consciousness is pretty much focused on verbal and nonverbal signal. Meantime, my subconscious also getting information and calculate with speed of lightening. Through all sensors scanning her appearance/body language/situation, information coming: her name is Sandra, journalism major, 5 years in college, from Washington, white American, working in photo art gallery, mixed blond hair, hazel eyes, her voice is loud enough, her laughing is loud enough, one year older than me, the way she dress is not superficial nor ordinary but little bit nerdy and uninhibited, intellectual and ambitious. She tries hard to get my Korean name, repeat my name several times to pronounce it well, etc. By those information my subconscious calculating positive and negative facts of attraction. Making conclusions and decisions through input data by my own perception. Those calculation is not necessarily rational. That's just way of brain goes. Positive facts are:'she's pretty', 'she is my age and one year older', 'independent', 'intelligence', 'Her voice is loud so she has confidence or high self-esteem', 'she laughs often by what I'm saying', even 'Her name is cool "Sandra"'. Subconsciousness already calculating possibility of she falls in love with me by data; Those data include sociological factor such as her situation. It's not necessarily her personal quality.

Conversation ends and she is getting up.

Sandra: "It was really nice to talk to you Shaaun, thanks! I had a good lunch time."

Me: "It was good to meet you, Sandra"

Sandra: "I usually come to cafeteria and have a lunch around this time."
Me: "Okay, see you around."

She is gone. And my brain overwhelmed. It overstimulated by excitement and nervous. I can't even control my face muscle now. I'm not sure which is happen earlier than other. Whether information and calculation create that feeling-excitement and nervous- or feeling create judgement and decision. All of them already have done by subconsciousness. And I feel and think now; conclusion, 'She is attractive and I am attracted to her.' 'She is likable.'

Then someone maybe questioning, "How do you know those are done by subconsciousness?" "If you are not conscious about them how can you think and describe them?"

I know those are subconsciousness level of procedure and decision making because those "thought" popped up after I finish the conversation. I could think of them after she has gone. My consciousness was fully focusing on conversation; careful listening and what I speak to her.

This is the example of attraction energy flow and my first time I noticing how attraction working inside of my brain.

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I'm not saying attraction is not important at all in realm of romantic love nor it's not right to behave based on attraction. Attraction sometimes enhence act of love and sometimes it goes opposite. I mean there is a case we have better attitude toward the person I like by attraction and there is a case we behave not great because of attraction. And that choice and consequences are up to personality orientation/development of that person.

My intention is to make you able to distinguish attraction and real function of love.

Down to earth, to not be a hypocritic, I have to reflect myself and write how I do and what I am capable of. Another real example:

(September 4th 2008)

Katherine. Why I love her? Why I like her? What are the things that I attracted to her? And why is that? and What is my idea and perception of her? Let's write every thing I can think of and conscious of.

Easy thing first, attraction/fascinating/winsome/captivating/alluring/enticing factors. I have done this thing (complement and admire the woman whom I like, how beautiful and awesome she is) several times. It's my tendency that express my feeling. But never wrote it down before.

Let's start from easy to think of.

First of all, what is her physical attraction? She is very beautiful to me and I think even objectively there aren't many heterosexual men disagree with that. She sure has one of those "American beauty" that I like; smart and bright beauty. This is detail of my point of view about her physical beauty.

First, her face, she got feminine and genuine face. Her face is one of type that I will never sick of. Marvellous blue eyes, not just beautiful color, she has intelligence person's eyes. Smart eyes! and her face line, nose, brunet hair, lips, tooth, cheek, forehead, chin, neck all of them are decent enough. I like all of them, I just want to kiss them. Her smile has vulnerable and plesent energy which is similar smile with mine.

Second, her voice, she got unusual voice, it's not like Sarah Brightman's glorious female voice. Katie's voice sound is mixed, not pure, not really high pitch which makes it sexy.

Third, her legs are HOT. I mean splendid! She is a runner, not professional level but good enough runner as non athlete. And she does some fitness activities, belly dancing, she does some training.

Basically her body is fit, healthy, look good.

More important matter, mentality. Katie is mentally healthy and mature. She sure is an intelligence woman. She has strong intellectual ability that trained/educated by school system even though that fact is something ordinary about her. But being well disciplined is something can't ignore. At her age twenty-three, she has been studying psychology five years. She is in graduate school. And she is bilingual in Spanish and English. And the way she talks, it's often bit fast to me but she definitely has a smart woman's verbal skill. When I listen what she says, especially when she talk fast and using not easy vocabularies and sophisticate sentence, I feel like I am an idiot. I didn't understand what she said but I got good feeling because that makes she deserves my little bit snobbish, high manner and my respect toward queen like woman that I always like to do. She makes me think 'I want to speak like her.' 'That's good enough level of English I want to attain.' She is decent conversationalist as well. she has listening skill that require patience. She has good insight too. Her intelligence is definitely powerful as her gorgeous appearance. It's stronger than her power of physical appearance.

Also, I like how she dress. The way she dress and make up is womanly and graceful.

I like the fact that she decide to walk with me when I asked her. I consider that as ability to not afraid of do something risky. Also from the fact that she was travel by herself. I can't say she is really courageous woman but I like that she challenges such things.

There is other thing than attraction/fascinating/winsome/captivating/alluring/enticing factors. What should I call them? Allow me say that "magnetizing". Magnetizing is little bit different than attraction. It's not necessarily her charm, what she has. It's more like about some facts between she and I. Facts that make me feel good from it. Such a things like, the fact that she is a vegetarian. I am a vegetarian too. She is American. I like American woman most in general. She studies psychology. Psychology is my favorite subject/study.

There are more strong and prominent magnetizing factors. I met her when I was doing my walking journey, my mission which is one of most significant moment in my life. I met her at that moment when I did radical act, take the jump and stake everything on love. I shared the moment with her even though it was short. I had really wonderful time because she was there. Memories......I still remember the very first moment of our encounter. I was just got back to the hostel room and she was in the room tying her shoes and she said "Hello" to me with B-E-A-utiful smile. And conversation after that, we hit it up really fast. We went out Starbucks coffee then we had dinner at Mexican food restaurant. And same night, I asked her "Hey, Katie. I want to ask something. Would you walk with me tomorrow? You can walk as much as you want. There are several chances to come back. I've already looked up. You can come back whenever you want. It's totally cool if you don't walk with me. but I ask you because I'd like to know you more and it will be great to me if you will be my company." I still remember her smile with little bit of shy face while I was asking and she answered, "Yes." Needless to say, I was euphoric. Another fact that we have been contact by e-mail and few phone calls after that while I was walking.

And most significant fact, since I met her all the experiences that I had, changed me alot. Especially my development of loving. She provided all the experience that I needed to experience; practice the art of loving. Filling the gap between my knowledge by thought and true knowledge that only can obtain by experience. Because she was my object of love, because I was in love, so I could practice. And she is the woman that made me practice the art of loving most deeply, intensively so far. Despite of those practices of love that I had are harsh and difficult as hell, I persistantly take it by will power. I had stronger, more intensive feeling with other women before but I never had this much of practice and learning through those experiences. All the hard disciplines were not by what she did to me, by my insight, rationality and will power. But it could happen because she was the stimulus and object. It's more individual practice/discipline instead mutual one because all the things that I learned were from inner experiences. So I learned it and I am different than before, again.

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Also There is "curiosity". Curiosity is desire to know that particular person. The reason why we feel curiosity is we are complex being, human is small universe. We can never fully, completely, perfectly understand ourselves. So curiosity is desire to reveal, understand, know ourselves. As I am curious about me, I am curious about fellow human being because we are same living beings in this planet and part of universe. To know other human being helps to know myself and vice versa. Because of curiosity I act something, do something to get information, data of her. And that act it self many cases reveal my new side, part that I didn't know about myself. That's one of beauty of act of love.

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Beauty itself always create curiosity such as, 'What is life of beautiful woman?', 'How is feel being beautiful woman's life feel like?'

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I want to know her as much as possible. I want to know about small to big things that matter to her. I want to know her metally, emotionally, physically, spiritually. If I know better, I can love her better. Just it takes time. I have a lot of curiosities about her because she is special and different. She has different character/trait/interest/background than mine. What is most important thing for her? What is her dream? What are her interest/passion? What is her desire and fear?

Love is the best solution of desire of unity, one-ness with world.

Erich Fromm said about this

"The unity achieved in productive work is not interpersonal; the unity achieved in orgiastic fusion is transitory; the unity achieved by comformity is only psudo-unity. Hence, they are only partial answers to the problem of existence. The full answer lies in the achievement of interpersonal union, of fusion with another person, in love.

This Desire for interpersonal fusion is the most powerful striving in man. It is the most fundamental passion, it is the force which keeps the human race together, the clan, the family, society. The failure to achieve it means insanity or destruction-self-destruction or destruction of others. Without love, humanity could not exist for a day...."

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(9/25/2008)

Maybe those curiosity and desire should not consider as an attraction. It's something has to do with my personality and human needs.

@#$Prearrange@#$ Life in the Korean Army

How was it and how it influenced me.

^^Video^^ 9-20-2008 Day blog

It was Saterday and day off. I needed to go somewhere outside of San Francisco. So I decided to go Berkeley. 'It will be sunny and warm. lovely!'

I wrote, 'I'm on a Bart. It feels freshy to moving/going somewhere distance from home.'

When I arrived at Berkeley it was just like I imagined. 'Perfect!' I started to move, walk wherever my mind goes.

Maybe it has been an hour walking, I was North top of university campus. I decided to take a rest on fountain. And I wrote.

'Take time and being in the present and feel it, eveything.'

'Every single time when I enjoy this feeling-be united with environment:sun and wind and water-think free.'

'Let myself just be. Fastest way to understand the world.'

'After that, I always want to share this with my half. '

'Feeling by myself is not enough. never enough.'

Then I head back to the station through other way. Few other thoughts came to my mind.

'Life formation is shifted when we put love on first priority'

'Reality of love oriented person is unlimited because to us everything is possible by love, for love'

'and that kind of life is realistic because love is truth, principle/function of love is match with principle/function of universe.'

(coincidentally, this statement was on my planner's "daily thought" section. I saw it when I was on the Bart on my way back to San Francisco)

"Action expresses priorities."-Mohandas K. Gandhi

And on the way walking this sentence just suddenly popped up in my mind from nowhere.

'I loved her enough as I wouldn't have any regret if I die now.'

I thought about it for a while. 'I cannot say this is completely objective or right. But just this is what needs to be expressed at this moment of my life.'

I would not have a regret because I did my best. The best means drop dead best that put love and my lover higher than my life, everything. All those things that I did-patience, concentrate, care, courage, respect, objectivity, responsibility, knowledge, faith, giving-never done perfectly and that fact makes me frustrated and felt sorrow. I've fought countless time against my desire/illusion/needs to have or to not lose objectivity. I had been slowly dying without love to be patient. I was concentrating on her with 100% of my attention that gave me life motivation and vitality. When I lost my objectivity, I gone insane; I was angry at her, wanted to criticize her, wanted to demand her what I want; her responsibility and respect. But I didn't because I didn't want to lose respect of her. I wanted to give her what she wants/needs or helpful to her but I couldn't figure out because of lack of knowledge about her. And I felt pain that I was not giving anything to her. I couldn't. Few thigs I could think of were share my ideas, show her my beautiful life/mind. But distance and time make that giving and care much harder. I spent average 8hours for every single e-mail and reply of her e-mail to be responsible and to know her better and to be close to her. I've never afraid to be being ensecure financially and physically. Live with uncomformity and poverty didn't even matter to me. Possibilities to lose everything I got couldn't shake my faith. I believed in power/principle of love. I've realize by my experience that live by love is function of universe, principle of human life.

Yes, I really loved her enough as I wouldn't have any regret if I die now. Inspite of that, still there are experiences that I want to do/feel; to be choosen by each other, unity, grow together, inspire each other and enjoy serious romance, creation of synergy, mutual dependant, new realization by union of polarity, fulfilled. What I've been experiencing is not even close to them. I am not satisfied about state of my love that hasn't reach as I want and expect. But I know, I will be there. I will reach there. I am the one; a master of love. It is my destiny. I'm just not there yet but I'm on my way. I realized all this experiences of moments are meant to be like this. And that is procedure of practicing the art of loving. I've never done/seen/heard any other human activities that difficult than real love I've been trying.

Then I thought,

'Katie...I will love her until it's impossible. And this romantic love will go to other woman if I have a chance to do love that woman. Then I will be 100% to that woman as always.'

After I get back to the hostel, I sense energy shifting-high frequency to low frequency-very clealy. I don't even clearly remember what happened after.

Relative Post : Managing Feeling, Care, Respect, Responsibility, Knowledge, Faith, Objectivity, Courage, Concentrate, Patience, Giving

Why am I so different with my parents? "Evolution and Mutation"

Mary-Elaine Jacobsen, Liberating Everyday Genius, Part 2. Evolutionary Intelligence, P.84

What's Evolution Got to Do with It?

Those of us who are not neuroscientists or professors of anthropology may challenge: "What does evolution have to do with intelligence?" Evolution often brings forth images of strange half-fish, half-animal poking its nose through the murky green of the primordial swamp as it dares to take that first step into an airy life. We envision our genetic predecessors who climbed down from the trees, stood partially erect, and grew bigger brains while their knuckles stopped scraping the ground.

Evolutionary theory derives from the belief that common ancestral forms of life have transformed over time, a branching-out process called speciation that resulted in the millions of organisms that inhabit today's world. Such evolutionary changes rarely occur swiftly, most take place over millennia, progressing at a slow but consistent rate.

Natural selection, the result of competition for resources and adaptation to environmental conditions, is believed to be the major cause of such changes. It has to do with competition for resources and adaptation to environmantal conditions. Scientists believe the best-adapted survive to pass their genes down to future generations. Thus the process has been called "survival of the fittest." Another reason for species change is mutation, which is a chance or random variation in certain individuals. These mutations could be considered xenogenic offspring, markedly different from either of their parents. Everyday Geniuses live a xenogenic life. Without these odd ducks the gene pool would grow stagnant and progress would eventually cease, perhaps even threatening human survival.

Natural selection reacts to mutation. It either promotes it or eliminates it to support continued growth of the population. Mutations occur regularly, though sporadically, producing both favorable characteristics(a plant developing long roots in an arid climate) or disadvantageous ones (human hemophilia).

While studying the evening primrose, Dutch botanist Hugo de Vries discovered that variations caused by mutation can appear abruptly and become inheritable. Individuals of any species displaying the effect of genetic mutation may be poised to take advantage of changes in the environment.

From this vantage point one could argue that leaps of progress are nothing more than practical "accidents"- mutations that just happens to have a good outcome in a given environment. Correspondingly, exceptional human ability would be judged as equally coincidental. People with unusual capacities-those who are ahead of their time- are mutants in some sense of the word. Following this logic, marvels of human effort and invention would be chalked up to nothing more than chance.

But mutants have the capacity to affect the evolution of those with whom they interact, and to set off chain reactions of change. Unlike spontaneous mutation, genetic recombination is a process by which "betterfit" mutation occurs; the idea is that even a tiny change can cause a profound adaptation.

This is the fundamental precept of a relatively new model of evolution that theorizes population changes are caused by mutation spurts that lead to an "avalanche" of behavioral alterations after long periods of equilibrium. Such intermittent flare-ups of evolutionary activity are natural and necessary for progress, as opposed to insignificant errors or cataclysmic disturbances.

From a philosophical point of view, each entity strives toward some essential goal, including human intelligence. The eminent University of Chicago psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi argues that complexity is necessary for the enrichment and continuation of human evolution. In a Psychology Today interview he explains his views, which seem to be in agreement with my theory of Evolutionary Intelligence:

[A]t this point we are one of the major-if not the major-selective mechanisms on the planet. Whether we like it or not, what we do is going to make a huge difference in the quality of the atmosphere, the quality of water, plant life, animal life, human life. Before, evolution could make all kinds of mistakes, and natural selection could have obliterated all types of life forms from the Earth. Slowly, over thousands of years, millions of years, some forms that were obviously more complex had a slight advantage and survived. And the effect has been that we have had more and more complex forms with time...
I think that people should realize how important what they do can be in changing both their lives and history. We are unaware, really, of the powers we have....We need to realize that in many ways life, or at least conscious life, begins only after you realize what you are supposed to do in terms of genetic and social instructions. It's only when you free yourself from the basic conditioning that we are born with do you start living. At the same time you realize that you are free to do it or not to do it... Evolution will proceed some other way, somewhere else.
Generally speaking, nature has identifiable patterns, some of which are static while others are dynamic. In the animal world, for example, certain creatures, such as the crocodile, have changed little over the centuries, while the modern horse, the descendant of numerous ancestors, has experienced a significant number of mutations beginning with the prehistoric "dawn horse" fifty million years ago, a greyhoundlike animal about twenty inches tall with an arched back and a snoutlike nose.
In nature, some static patterns exist because under prevailing conditions they are able to thrive. this becomes a problem when environmental factors take a significant turn in a new direction. When a responsive shift becomes necessary, not just any old change will suffice. For humankind, the key to successful adaptation is a dual process, one that encompasses both static and dynamic patterns. Both standard intelligence and EvI process and manipulate information efficiently. They both function optimally in a static environment.
What separates EvI from standard intelligence is its ability to thrive in dynamic environments while expanding the collective knowledge base. Evolutionaries-the bearers of Evolutionary Intelligence-achieve on a larger scale because their brains can adapt to both dynamic and static environments. Therefore, as things constantly change, they possess the basic tools to swiftly detect and define problems and envision and enact creative solutions. They are outfitted to lead us from the mechanical age to the electronic age to the digital age as information processing accelerates. They are the "mutants" who will help us survive.
Currently, such evolutionaries are experiencing enormous dissonance as they walk the tightrope between old and new. Their experience is akin to the earliest birds whose feathers first evolved from reptilian scales for thermal protection. We can imagine the first time this transitional creature ran along the same old ground only to find itself lifted up off its feet into the heavens.
The process of evolution is collective and visionary by nature, the scope of its agenda far-reaching. It is unnecessary to force an exclusionary relationship between high potential and evolution (that is, science versus God). whatever the source, Evolutionary Intelligence has the advantage of seeing the big picture in an all-inclusive manner, and thus is equipped to stretch the limits of human progress. It is at once outwardly equipped to stretch the limits of human progress. It is at once outwardly focused and inwardly inspired, both visionary and pragmatic.
Intelligence and evolution complement each other because they share many characteristics. Evolution and Evolutionary Intelligence are like and improvised dance, the performer not always sure of what to do next, but moving all the while. The pleasure derived from this precess comes from the "guessing," the surprises of meaningful creation. Unlike other species, we can dream and conceptualize and distinguish between varying degrees of quality. Darwin's notion of the "survival of the fittest" is a shortsighted theory of the intent of evolution. Evolutionary Intelligence is not something that one can limit, for its scope and power are boundless.

Managing Feeling

Mary-Elaine Jacobsen, Liberating Everyday Genius, Part4. Managing thyself: self-mastery and integration, 14.Self-Mastery: Managing Intensity, Complexity, and Drive P.295~297

Managing Feeling

As we know, Everyday Geniuses are hot receptors. That's just the way it is. But we can learn to consciously decide when to react, how much to react, and when not to react at all. It is up to us to adjust our lives and temper our reactivity to avoid unnecessary conflict, burnout, and wasteful allotment of our much-needed energy reserves. Though thousands of years of instinct and genetics have shaped our acute responsiveness and intense emotions, we can learn to separate impulse from automatic reactions.

First, it helps to learn how to accurately label what we feel-to apply the right words to our experience. This is often difficult, however, since feelings tend to come in packages. But with practice, we can use our analytical minds and verbal acuity to distinguish between more than "glad, mad, sad, or bad" feelings. By being clearer about our feelings, we greatly increase the chance that our emotions and our actions will be in agreement, not as odds with one another.

For example, if we feel something strongly, instantly interpret it as anger, and immediately act out our emotions, we may indeed be expressing ourselves authentically and appropriately. Upon further self-inquiry, we may realize that we have learned to respond to fear with anger, acknowledge our feeling as fear instead of anger, and therefore decide to choose a new and more appropriate response. By pinning down our emotional responses and choosing how or if to respond, we develop an accurate match between inner feeling and outward expression, a positive sign of both authenticity and Advanced Development.

Review the following list of feelings and notice the category each emotion falls into. Then look back over the list as you ask yourself: "Which emotions are easiest for me to express in mature ways?" Also select feelings to which you respond to in a less mature, reactive fashion. Be certain to note which feelings you suppress entirely.

Event-driven hurt feelings: sorrow, grief, hopelessness, loss, abandonment, loneliness, sadness, rejection, depression

Self-directed hurt feelings: shame, regret, guilt, self-loathing, worthlessness, self-degradation, loss of energy, depression

Angry feelings: irritation, annoyance, frustration, hostility, rage, hatred, disgust, submission, resentment, rivalry, defiance, condemnation, contempt, depression

Fearful feelings: panic, dread, suspicion, distrust, jealousy, worry, nervousness, foreboding, butterflies in the stomach, muscle tightness, tension headaches, muddled thinking, powerlessness

Heartwarming feelings: fondness, affection, closeness, trust, common bond, empathy, joy, serenity, confidence, eagerness, transcendence, insight, compassion, appreciation, wonder, love, respect, honor, gratitude, reverence, universality, benevolence, determination, purpose, value, meaning

Reflect on the internal messages you experience related to these feelings,. Are some of them still distorted in false-self thinking? Be especially mindful of the following automatic reactions: defensiveness, isolation, silent contempt, tantrums, coercion, and disowning feelings by intellectualizing them. Review Chapter One to get a clearer picture of how the subtraits of Intensity, Complexity, and Drive are manifested in you and how you tend to react. Then ask yourself what it would take for you to achieve the balanced version of each subtrait. Look for new ways to respond instead of simply reacting-modified responses that could make you feel better, more in control, and yet allow you to be open and available to others without being naively vulnerable.

It is clear to us that our zest for new experiences can make life an exciting adventure. But unmanaged feelings and impulses exaggerate our need for intensity and send things quickly spinning out of control. Only when we understand how we become victims of our own enthusiasm can we come to grips with the fact that our energy reserves are not bottomless. We must admit that our legendary verve can leave us burned out, and that scurrying about can detour us from realizing our most important dreams.

An effective measuring tool for examining reactivity is the "marshmallow test," devised by Walter Mischel. In Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman employs Mischel's test as a method of measuring the essence of emotional self-regulation: the ability to deny impulse in the service of a goal, whether building a business or pursuing the Stanley Cup. Goleman explains the need for goal-directed self-imposed delay of gratification this way:

Just imagine you're four years old, and someone makes the following proposal: If you'll wait until after he runs an errand, you can have two marshmallows for a treat. If you can't wait until then, you can have only one-but you can have it right now. It is a challenge sure to try the soul of any four-year-old, a microcosm of the eternal battle between impulse and restraint, id and ego, desire and self-control, gratification and delay....There is perhaps no psychological skill more fundamental than resisting impulse. It is the root of all emotional self-control, since all emotions, by their very nature, lead to one or another impulse to act.

Rather than be overwhelmed by our passions, or steamroll others with them, we must become the masters of our gifts. We must school our feelings, impulses, and perfection orientation and allow them privileges in our lives, not free rein, if they are to serve as the powerful assets they are designed to be.

@#$Prearrange@#$ Reward of love

Things that happened and happening in my life by put the love at first priority.

life formation shifting. new level of feeling. love of life

experiencing love makes everything possible.

^^Video^^ 9/20/2008 Day Vlog

^^Video^^ 9/11/2008

^^Video^^ 8/31/2008

^^Video^^ kicking in the room

I sometimes need to relief my tension and energy. Physical exercise often helps.

^^Video^^ Grizzly Man,Timothy Treadmill

It's just amazing and fascinating every time when I see same type of people with me. This is about my another peer gifted man, Timothy Treadmill. First time when I see that movie on TV, my first impression about him was 'He is like a gay, isn't he?' 'Oh, another animal activist freak.' But more I watch, I started to feel empathy. It maybe because I sensed his intensity and drive.

One thing I actually envy about him is his girlfriend, his relationship with her. She fought with the bear for dieing Timothy until he was killed in spite of Timothy yelled at her run away. And after that she killed by the bear. She didn't run away leave behind her lover. I know I can do that for my woman. I'm sure and I've been always ready. But in my reality, there are not many women who able to do that. Woman who has developed love oriented personality. Put my lover's first than my life. Timothy and Amy had that personality. So their relationship had reached mature love that contain care and responsibility. I was very sad that he couldn't finish his mission. But at least when he died he was with his lover.

Relative Post: Alexander Supertramp (Chris), Intensity,

^^Video^^ Aug/27/2008

^^Video^^ Friend: T.J.

T.J.'s life style is very different than mine but interseting. Laid back and joyous Southern California life style. He is one of my people who has good heart and be real and truthful.

^^Video^^ San Francisco special 1

Recently, I dedicated most of my time posting and video making and I am glad about it. But I need to relax my brain and doing something easy and fun for an efficiency. So I made this.

^^Video^^ Friend:Gohkan Kaya, Long Beach

For the memory of my friend Kaya and gloomy life in Long Beach.

Personality type/orientation by Erich Fromm's Theory

Click here to see the page that explain his personality orientation theory

Click here to test your personality orientation

^^Photo^^ September/17/2008 Day Blog

I've got really bad soar throat. It makes me hard to sleep, talk, drink and eat. This is second time I get soar throat in San Francisco. Because my body is very sensitive about weather and extremely fickle weather in SF, I can get easily sick. Weather of San Francisco is worst of worst in California.
Anyway, last 7 day were very progressive about my writing because of Katie's asking I got motivation. I promised to myself to show my blog to her today. That made me make a big one step forward. Now I can rest and take care of myself until get over this sickness.

About my blog

I'm using this blog to write my book and make videos for sake of express myself and for the gether the data that I will need in future. I recently systemize my book project and this website is being good formation of it.

My book will be structured in big three categories: my Concept of love, about me and my life, and reference/quote. So these three parts will be articulate with each other and that's the procedure of writing a book "puzzling my thought, experience, expression"

Recent plan (September/15/2008)

Concepts and ideas about love:

-intention: intention of studying love to know the truth, to solve my problem, to be fulfilled, to help others
-definitions: true sense of all the words relate with love.
-hypothesis
-curiosity: from personal/social experience or thought
-conclusion: that match with what I've learn from the books and my realization after experienced

My life:

-real stroy of my personal experience(my dating/romance history)
-my significant moments(evolutionary moment) of life
-my childhood
-what I've learn and know about love from experience. experience that is practice/act of love.
-learning about myself through love.
-life that changed and constantly changing by love.
-fascination of understanding myself. self love.
-my dreams

References/Quote

-connect with my curiosity
-relate with my hyphothesis
-match with my conclusion
-match with my experience
-my trait, characteristic, temperament, behaviour. self knowledge

Knowledge

The Art of Loving P.27, Erich Fromm

To respect a person is not possible without knowing him; care and responsibility would be blind if they were not guided by knowledge. Knowledge would be empty if it were not motivated by concern. There are many layers of knowledge; the knowledge which is an aspect of love is one which does not stay at the periphery, but penetrates to the core. It is possible only when I can transcend the concern for myself and see the other person in his own terms. I may know, for instance, that a person is angry, even if he does not show it overtly; but I may know him more deeply than that; then I know that he is anxious, and worried that he feels lonely, that he feels guilty. Then I know that his anger is only the manifestation of something deeper, and I see him as anxious and embarrassed, that is, as the suffering person, rather than as the angry one.
Knowledge has one more, and a more fundamental, relation to the problem of love. The basic need to fuse with another person so as to transcend the prison of one's separateness is closely related to another specifically human desire, that to know the "secret of man." While life in its merely biological aspects is a miracle and a secret, man in his human aspects is an unfathomable secret to himself-and to his fellow man. We know ourselves, and yet even with all the efforts we may make, we do not know ourselves. We know our fellow man, and yet we do not know him, because we are not a thing, and our fellow man is not a thing. The further we reach into the depth of our being, or someone else's being, the more the goal of knowledge eludes us. Yet we cannot help desiring to penetrate into the secret of man's soul, into the innermost nucleus which is "he." There is one way, a desperate one, to know the secret: it is that of complete power over another person; the power which makes him do what we want, feel what we want, think what we want; which transforms him into a thing, our thing, our possession. The ultimate degree of this attempt to know lies in the extremes of sadism, the desire and ability to make a human being suffer; to torture him, to force him, to force him to betray his secret in his suffering. In this craving for penetrating man's secret, his and hence our own, lies an essential motivation for the depth and intensity of cruelty and destructiveness. In a very succinct way this idea has been expressed by Isaac Babel. He quotes a fellow officer in the Russian civil war, who has just stamped his former master to death, as saying: "With shooting-I'll put it this way-with shooting you only get rid of a chap....With shooting you'll never get at the soul, to where it is in a fellow and how it shows itself. But I don't spare myself, and I've more than once trampled an enemy for over an hour. You see, I want to get to know what life really is, what life's like down our way."
In children we often see this path to knowledge quite overtly. The child takes something apart, breaks it up in order to know it; or it takes an animal apart; cruelly tears off the wings of a butterfly in order to know it. to force its secret. The cruelty itself is motivated by something deeper: the wish to know the secret of things and of life.
The other path to knowing "the secret" is love. Love is active penetration of the other person, in which my desire to know it stilled by union. In the act of fusion I know you, I know myself, I know everybody-and I "know" nothing. I know in the only way knowledge of that which is alive is possible for man-by experience of union-not by any knowledge our thought can give. Sadism is motivated by the wish to know the secret, yet I remain as ignorant as I was before. I have torn the other being apart limb from limb, yet all I have done is to destroy him. Love is the only way of knowledge, which in the act of union answers my quest. In the act of loving, of giving myself, in the act of penetrating the other person, I find myself, I discover myself, I discover us both, I discover man.
The longing to know ourselves and to know our fellow man has been expressed in the Delphic motto "Know thyself." It is the mainspring of all psychology. But inasmuch as the desire is to know all of man, his innermost secret, the desire can never be fulfilled in knowledge of the ordinary kind, in knowledge only by thought. Even if we knew a thousand times more of ourselves, we would never reach bottom. We would still remain an enigma to ourselves, as our fellow man would remain an enigma to us. The only way of full knowledge lies in the act of love: this act transcends thought, it transcends words. It is the daring plunge into the experience of union. However, knowledge in thought, that is psychological knowledge, is a necessary condition for full knowledge in the act of love. I have to know the other person and myself objectively, in order to be able to see his reality, or rather, to overcome the illusions, the irrationally distorted picture I have of him. Only if I know a human being objectively, can I know him in his ultimate essence, in the act of love. (The above statement has an important implication for the role of psychology in contemporary Western culture. While the great popularity of psychology certainly indicates an interest in the knowledge of man, it also betrays the fundamental lack of love in human relations today. Psychological knowledge thus becomes a substitute for full knowledge in the act of love, instead of being a step toward it.)
The problem of knowing man is parallel to the religious problem of knowing God. In conventional Western theology the attempt is made to know God by thought, to make statements about God. It is assumed that I can know God in my thought. In mysticism, which is the consequent outcome of monotheism (as I shall try to show later on), the attempt is given up to know God by thought, and it is replaced by the experience of union with God in which there is no more room-and no need-for knowledge about God.
The experience of union, with man, or religiously speaking, with God, is by no means irrational. On the contrary, it is as Albert Schweitzer has pointed out, the consequence of rationalism, its most daring and radical consequence. It is based on our knowledge of the fundamental, and not accidental, limitations of our knowledge. It is the knowledge that we shall never "grasp" the secret of man and of the universe, but that we can know, nevertheless, in the act of love. Psychology as a science has its limitations, and, as the logical consequence of theology is mysticism, so the ultimate consequence of psychology is love.
Care, responsibility, respect and knowledge are mutually interdependent. They are a syndrome of attitudes which are to be found in the mature person; that is, in the person who develops his own powers productively, who only wants to have that which he has worked for, who has given up narcissistic dreams of omniscience and omnipotence, who has acquired humility based on the inner strength which only genuine productive activity can give.

Respect

The Art of Loving, P.26 Erich Fromm

Responsibility could easily deteriorate into domination and possessiveness, were it not for a third component of love, respect. Respect is not fear and awe; it denotes, in accordance with the root of the word (respicere= to look at ), the ability to see a person as he is, to be aware of his unique individuality. Respect means the concern that the other person should grow and unfold as he is. Respect, thus, implies the absence of exploitation. I want the loved person to grow and unfold for his own sake, and in his own ways, and not for the purpose of serving me. If I love the other person, I feel one with him or her, but with him as he is, not as I need him to be as an object for my use. It is clear that respect is possible only if I have achieved independence; if I can stand and walk without needing crutches, without having to dominate and exploit anyone else. Respect exists only on the basis of freedom: "L'Amour est L'Enfant de la liberte" as an old French song says; love is the child of freedom, never that of domination.

Responsibility

The Art of Loving p.26, Erich Fromm

Care and concern imply another aspect of love; that of responsibility. Today responsibility is often meant to denote duty, something imposed upon one from the outside. But responsibility, in its true sense, is an entirely voluntary act; it is my response to the needs, expressed or unexpressed, of another human being. To be "responsible" means to be able and ready to "respond." Jonah did not feel responsible to the inhabitants of Nineveh. He, like Cain, could ask: "Am I my brother's keeper?" the loving person responds. The life of his brother is not his brother's business alone, but his own. He feels responsible for his fellow men, as he feels responsible for himself. This responsibility, in the case of the mother and her infant, refers mainly to the care for physical needs. In the love between adults it refers mainly to the psychic needs of the other person.

Care

The Art of Loving P.24 , Erich Fromm

Beyond the element of giving, the active character of love becomes evident in the fact that it always implies certain basic elements, common to all forms of love. These are care, responsibility, respect and knowledge.
That love implies care is most evident in a mother's love for her child. No assurance of her love would strike us as sincere if we saw her lacking in care for the infant, if she neglected to feed it, to bathe it, to give it physical comfort; an we are impressed by her love if we see her caring for the child. It is not different even with the love for animals or flowers. If a woman told us that she loved flowers, and we saw that she forgot to water them, we would not believe in her"love" for flowers. Love is the active concern for the life and the growth of that which we love. Where this active concern is lacking, there is no love. This element of love has been beautifully described in the book of Jonah. God has told Jonah to go to Nineveh to warn its inhabitants that they will be punished unless they mend their evil ways. Jonah runs away from his mission because he is afraid that the people of Nineveh will repent and that God will forgive them. He is a man with a strong sense of order and law, but without love. However, in his attempt to escape, he finds himself in the belly of a whale, symbolizing the state of isolation and imprisonment which his lack of love and solidarity has brought upon him. God saves him, and Jonah goes to Nineveh. He preaches to the inhabitants as God had told him, and the very thing he was afraid of happens. The men of Nineveh repent their sins, mend their ways, and God forgives them and decides not to destroy the city. Jonah is intensely angry and disappointed; he wanted "justice" to be done, not mercy. At last he finds some comfort in the shade of a tree which God had made to grow for him to protect him from the sun. But when God makes the tree wilt, Jonah is depressed and angrily complains to God. God answers: "Thou hast had pity on the gourd for the which thou hast not labored neither madest it grow; which came up in a night, and perished in a night. And should I not spare Nineveh, that great city, wherein are more than sixscore thousand people that cannot discern between their right hand and their left hand; and also much cattle?" God's answer to Jonah is to be understood symbolically. God explains to Jonah that the essence of love is to "labor" for something and "to make something grow," that love and labor are inseparable. One loves that for which one labors, and one labors for that which one loves.

@#$Prearrange@#$ Independence as an ability to love

about meaning of independence and how it relate with ability to love and why it's important to love. productivity, self-knowledge. difference with self-sufficiency.

What is essential in the existence of man is the fact that he has emerged from the animal kingdom, from instinctive adaptation, that he has transcended nature-although he never leaves it; he is a part of it-and yet once torn away from nature, he cannot return to it; once thrown out of paradise- a state of original oneness with nature-cherubim with flaming swords block his way, if he should try to return. Man can only go forward by developing his reason, by finding a new harmony, a human one, instead of the prehuman harmony which is irretrievably lost. (The Art of Loving P.7)

*In Progress* Energy and Time of Love

힘의 세기, 파워의 정도로 모든것을 보는것은 우주를 이해함에 있어서 극히 작은 단편만 보는 것이다.사랑에 있어서도 마찬가지 내가 이해할 수 있는것이 단지 에너지의 크기,정도라면 그것역시 사랑의 function 을 이해하는데 큰 한계가 있을것이다. 단적인 예로 인간이 얼마나 작은존재인지에 놀라면서도 작은 생명체가 우주선을 다른 행성에 보낼 수 있다는것에 놀란다면 그것은 크기,규모를 중심적으로 보는 태도기 때문이다. 어제 iron man 에서 보았듯 무기의 파워는 엄청나다 그 에너지는 실로 강한것이다. 하지만 시간의 개념을 포함해서 보았을 땐. 상대적으로 짧은 순간에 일어난 일.현상이다. 사랑에 있어서도 내가 예전에 꺠달은 바, 예수나 테레사 수녀, 링컨, 슈바이쳐, 에리히 프롬 같은 사람이 해낸 것을 단지 그 크기로만 본다면 사랑의 에너지가 핵폭탄과 같은 무기의 에너지에 비하면 강하거나 크다고 할 수 없다. 하지만 그 사랑이 미치는 영향을 시간적 개념을 포함해서 보면 엄청난 시간동안 그 에너지가 계속 영향을 미치고 있는것을 볼 수 있다.
attraction and act of love: Whatever the reason, important thing is what I do. No matter what I feel how that feeling toward the person I love is strong, only thing that make "love" function is the act not feeling and thought. What do I do to the one whom I love is based on my expression, every single act is human expression, using the energy that within me to outer world, to other human being.
Even though it's just because she is beautiful what she feel is based on what I do. Ofcourse most likely there are the factor of my charm, things that I attracted her as well. Next difficult problem will encounter is deceptivity, our lack of objectivity and lack of consciousness. No matter what I think about my act of love, be loved one can have completely different idea, concept about love and any forms of relationships. 그 다음의 난제는 심지어 나의 행이 아무리 성숙한 태도라하더라도 사랑받는 사람이 그것을 이해/소화하지 못한다면 사랑의 교류는 역시 이루어지기 힘들다. 물론 성숙한 태도가 미성숙한 태도보다는 사랑의 교류가 더 잘 이루어지게 하지만 인간은 우리 자신을 완전히 이해하기 조차 어려운 복잡한 존재이면서 most of our conscious level is not reach to understand ourselve yet. 어쨋거나 내가 뭘 말하려고 했더라? Objectivity! No matter what I do, what I want, what I need, there is other human being's desire, need, and fear. It can be similar or very different than mine. If two person's desire, need, and fear are compatible, match then energy flow, attraction, magnetism can reinforce, stimulate the act. Think about oppsite case. What if two person's desire, need and fear are conflicted, not matched or compatible? Of course it's harder than former case. But does it mean I have to give up my act of love? 내가 경험한 바로 짝사랑을 하는 경우 내가 사랑하는 사람이 나를 사랑하지 않는경우, 고통과 suffering start. 물론 그 경우에 그것은 나의 고통과 suffering 이기 때문에 내 스스로가 책임져야하고 극복해내야 하는것이다. 그 경우 어떻게 대처하느냐는 나의 인격 수준에 달려있는 것이다. 전자의 경우로 시작 된 커플이 후자의 경우로 된 경우 때문에 나는 질문을 하는것이다. 그리고 내가 지금 개인적으로 격고 있는 문제이기 때문이다. There is no clear cut even though I thought "Ok she doesn't want erotic love, so I'm gonna do brotherly love now." But what really happen within me is conflict between my will by thought and emotion and feeling. I still feel like her, as a erotic love even though there is difference between feeling that I felt before, maybe that is state of feeling changed. So I thought what I need to do is just shift my love from erotic love to brotherly love. And actually mind is catching up that will/idea slowly. So those feelings are middle of somewhere and it's complicate as always. I can develop this concept/idea because I am experiencing now. And to solve my dilemma/problem/suffer/conflict, I have to think beyond the problem itself. Because only then I can act differently with developed idea. But so far last 5months what happen was suffer by dilemma, then think, then enlightened, find out what I need to do, then another dilemma appeared. There were several repetition of this procedure. ofcourse because of that I can write and what I want is also has changed. but one thing never change is "I want to experience love that I can think of." It's almost feel like I love her for sake of love itself. but it doesn't make sense because love cannot exist without object of love. because love is act, and act is again, energy between human beings. Just as energy between matters.Why I ask this? I am not just throwing the question. It's because this is very common issue in our world this time. How many couple experience this? Ok example, when couple start their love their desire and need and fear are matched but after time goes on, one person feel different and he/she thinks he/she doesn't love anymore. Their idea and feeling changed! Not compatible anymore! What are you going to do then? One person want to stop/kill his/her love but partner still fall in love and still wants to go on.
I don't know what actually she is how she is before I have knowledge about her. There is only my assumtion and expectation based on my judgement. So if I love her based on my distorted image of her, disappointment and shock, feeling betrayed that will be occur in the future are natural consequences. Needless to say, it's not good for myself for my woman neither. That's why objectivity is very important matter of the art of loving.I realized the suffering is happen when there is expectation. Especially when that expextation is not meet, when I'm not satisfied, dissatisfaction generate pain.