I want to know what she feels and what she thinks. Because she is different, she is a female, opposite polar, she is beautiful, she and I had good amount of mental connection. I want to know everything about her. That is curiocity. And reason why we have curiocity is to know ourselves. I cannot know myself absolutely. I will never fully understand this human being biologically, quantum phisically, mathmatically, psychologically. But truth is simple. We can only understand part of truth. And to me best way to understand myself and us, human, is by love. As far as I can see none of any other way to understand/reveal truth is more meaningful, realistic, and humanistic than the way to understand truth by loving.
Obviously, she is not capable to express, open show her mind to other, lack of brotherly love. And she doesn't know what others would feel especially people like me, extraordinary. People who are more perceptive, open, advanturous, deeper emotion, ability to face the truth even it's scary or risky, ability to take the risk to grow up, to be stronger, better. She is not there yet, that level of emotional maturity and capacity. And I'm not capable to make it happen with person who is not there, not my type of trait,
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Aug/17
Well I have to write when I feel I need to express things in side of my chest. Am I still falling in love with her, Katie? Am I obsessive about her? What is this anger and negative feeling again? Am I not strong enough to accept all her reaction? She didn't answer the phone and she didn't call me back and she didn't reply my e-mail, and she didn't response to my Internet message. From those fact somethings arises inside of my brain, doubt, rejection, betrayed. 'She is hiding, she fades away, she ignores me.' Another thought 'She is the one who says she will be a friend and she was felt in love with me then, is this her attitude to the person she call friend or person who loved?' Why I think this way? Because I think that's what she is doing, hinding from me and ignoreing me. She only care about her feeling, no consideration to other who like her. No respect. I'm going to stop writing and thinking about this at the moment because it's too much now. It's hard to deal with and negative thoughts killing me. That's not good.
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