@#$Incomplete@#$ March/28/2008

Below in this line is what I acutally wrote on my diary at that day.
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It's 11 PM now but I'm awake because of cold night air. I think I went tobed about at 9PM. Time goes slow when I feel uncomfortable, more currectly, when I feel pain. Coldness is one of most unbearable thing to me. Coldness is painful sensation. It even create frear. Fear of endless pain. I'm worry about days that I will have to sleep in campgrounds in the mountain area. I'm not sure how much colder than this over there. Can human being feel alive when he/she is in pain? I know I felt alive when I feel pleasurable sensation, but painful sensation gives me feeling of dieing. when I am in pain, I don't think that being alive is good.
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Childish ranting?(May/24/2008)

This is one of moment that I usually have when I'm not loving. Everybody seems superficial or immature or childish or arrogance or cynical. Everybody seems behave like mere animal. Everybody looks live without meaning of their life. I just want to say...'why you live? why you breath? don't you feel yourself like just some filthy living being? why don't you kill yourself so at least you can do something about your life instead of being forced to live that way by all other higher power, you weak!, follower!, masochist!' then I just want give them one nice side kick on their face. Where is humanitarian?! Where are all beautiful minds?!...This is one of same feeling and reaction that I had have in days, weeks and months in Korea, Long Beach. So I had left Korea! Then I moved to CA. Then after I've lived in Long Beach eighteen months I have left Long Beach, too! It is not only about environment! It is mostly about my state! When I'm not in love, when I'm single, when I don't have an object of love, especially when I am powerless, I am lonely, angry, and frustrated. No more Mr. smile, no talk, no eye contact, Wild eyes, blunt attitude, and judgemental, instead. Even though I know this is one of reaction of my introverted temperament, I don't want to be like this. It's not pleasant moment. Sometime I want to deny my temperament.
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May/24/2008 dream diagnosis

Yesterday dream was another very strong one. let's think about it...I don't know what part is beginning but I think I was fighting with mother and I don't remember there was some conversation or not. I think I was criticizing and yelling and disclaim her and she was blaming and criticizing me. And there was her husband too. I was more close with him but I didn't talk with him or he didn't talk to me. Then the fight went more rough then she started to attack me. Physically and at the time she was attacking me she form was not human. Something I've never seen or imagine, she was some robot/machine; I felt she is monster, metal but look like human bone, so just human skeleton type of machine but not really like a human. And she try to kill me and I defended myself and attack her and it was not hard, unlikely usually night mare when I fight with somebody or something it was always hard to attack or defence. and she; that machine thing died. At the moment she dieing, she sadly cry and say something like, "I was just born this way" it means to me the way how she lived and what she did something bad and didn't something good to me was not her fault because she couldn't because she was born like that, it meant to be like that way. I was suddenly very compelled to her and I felt sympathy. and I empathised her then inside of my mind I accept everything and understand her. Then just before she died, she kissed me. Even it was machine, even there was no face, kiss was possible some how. Then eveything disappear and dream was end, I woke up from the dream but not completely wake up a sleep.

May/19/2008

1-What do peace activists think? What's the idea of their "peace"? Are they clearly know about what peace mean? Do they know why it is important? Do they know why they are passionate. Compelled, and determinate about peace? Do they aware of consequences of their act? What do they concern about other people?

2-Why it seems there are more women who live based on fear than the one who live based on courage?
2-what about men? Are there more men live based on courage? or fear?

3-Fear and Pain

4-Dream

*Another leg injured pigeon! I'm curious how they got that leg? I don't know why they are symbol of peace but to me, they are more like symbol of metropolitan, survivor, tough city life, grey, dark but keep moving.

*That very pretty woman came again.

5-The beauty of woman makes me curious about her. Beauty magnatize my energy, attention.
5-Beauty is always a factor of attraction.

May/18/2008

Since I arrived in San Francisco, everyday is anew, shocking, and stimulating. I don't have time to sit down and look back my journey and think about what significant moments influenced me, how I felt at the moment and how I've changed by it. I can't! I can't do that because I still feel like I'm on my journey in this city; it's constant stimulation! Good thing about that is my life is going as an adventure.

*Clouds move fast. It's cool
-Bay to breakers: 16,000 people's party on the streets. Unique event in SF. but too much to me. I had to take a nap at the park.

May/16/2008

1-Writing to reply an e-mail from Katie ASAP
1-Read her mail again, read what she mentioned.
1-Positive, Be truthful, consideration.
1-E-mail is for her, Blog is for her and myself.
1-Explain about blog
1-Response about her opinion about California
1-put my point of view about CALI
1-My current life since in SF but not too detail and emotional.
1-Don't be needy, express some my inner power that I can produce love

*Cool in line Skating woman!

2-Ask Mathew to send my stuff to aunt's house in L.A.

*Enjoy the coffee that I have right now
*complement the Starbucks lady to make her day great.

2-I need summer clothes which I already have; my style, cool one.

*what's the thing that feels like small ball inside of earlobe?

3-What do I do today?
3-Where do I want to go?
3-Do I still need to look for a job?

4-If I have laptop, writing my thought, journal, E-mail, book will be much easier and faster
4-What about my PC in San Diego?
4-What about camcorder connection?
4-Do I need to buy more miniDV tape? I mean for recording myself?
4-what about buying a memory chip for taking pictures?
4-It's better to scan DV tape to computer than upload on website then record new video.

1-If I can use computer only one hour. I need to read her email and reply whole thing within that time
1-Ask her where she staying in LA and when does she go back to Chicago.
1-Is it summer vacation now?
1-I'm thinking the possibility to meet her soon, no matter wherever I want to see her again. She is in CA now!
1-I thought about going L.A. or Santa Barbara to meet her taking Amtrak.

*I'm such a intensive man, aren't I?

1-If I go by Amtrak or other transportation. I will spend more than $200 for transportation, food, staying at hostel. And after that no money again! It is worthy to do that for meeting her and satisfying me but that doesn't create something more constructive effect, obviously.

5-Think about place to stay after Sunny's place
5-Go to USA hostel and ask how long should I stay before I apply a job.

*Call Anna for say thank you

5-I'm not sure there is still chance to stay at shelters or not. But it definitely help to save money but time. Also the environment makes hard to be peaceful neither be positive. but there were stimulation from negative emotion and nervous.

* I think that pretty woman took off.

1-After that intensive feeling and emotion go away, how I can keep love her without productive activity? Job and place to stay and food!...Fuck!
1-She is not an intensive woman. she won't take risk for being crazy and suffered.
1-let her know I really want to show her my blog.

*and doing it.
*Curse of thinker: I have a responsibility to be patient and careful and try to understand and help other person even if they are not positive to me such as offencive, criticize, whining, complaint, judge, attack me. Because, I'm the one who has conscious that what are synergy, positivity, constructive result, what are destructive consequence, harm, waste, or using energy wrong way.

1-I've learn why focus is necessity in order to love.

*How far from here to Chicago? research it.
*Oh Jesus, spider, butterfly and stars and string tattoo? and doing cross puzzle on newspaper?

1-Focus means be sensitive about my object of love. Be aware of my woman, how she doing now? what's going on now? why she feel happy or unhappy? What's important to her now? How can I help her or make her happy? Not just in emotional level, also very deepest, essential level of matter. To do so, knowledge about the one is absolute necessity. What is her dream, desire, needs, fear? What is her being? what is her ultimate being that she wants? What's her fulfillment, destiny?
1-Less important matters such as what's her hobby? what she likes to eat? what's her tendency? why she does that?
1-To obtain these knowledge, knowing myself is acquired. Because I have to know myself first, only then I can judge right. Am I capable to give what is good for her or not? If I am not, I have to make decision humbly. I have to accept the fact that I can'tdo that high level of love to her. That case, I can do only brotherly love to her. It's not thinking ahead about non-existence future and giving up opportunity of love based on mere presume, even though I have not try yet. It is about being in the present because mature love is realistic. I am not saying about materialistic realism such as financial situation, career, social position. I meant I have to reflect myself. What am I? What can I do now? Where am I in my life stage? Am I intelligence enough to get right knowledge about her? and figure out what she need to fulfill, grow up. satisfy. More importantly, am I able to bring that need for her? by mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually? I don't have much knowledge about spirituality so I rather not mention about it now. Anyhow this is why I think mental, emotional, social intelligence is very important to experience mature level of love. Obviously, figuring out all these kind of things about her takes not only time, but also effort dedication, patient, concentration, most importantly, will.

6-Read! I need to read for satisfying my curiosity and educate myself to study love also transcend my pain and suffering life by understand more about a human and the world.
6-Reading will enhance my English, especially vocabulary and grammar.
6-Always study with a heart. Stimulation will accelerate my learning speed.
6-Associate reading with speaking and writing. Speak to myself and record it. Then analyze it and get a conclusion then I can speak to other people which intended to help and learn.
6-Write my feeling and idea on the blog and journal about what I just read and thought. Then share it with somebody who can comprehend and give me feedback or opinion.

*Why can't I reach deep level of meditation that I used to reach several times?

7-People in SF that I've encountered
7-Anna. First impression: rashness, openness, intensive, not peaceful, unorganized, darkness, gloomy, depress, non judgemental, quick decision and reaction, suffering from her set up. No intention to harm other people. unhealthy-emotionally and physically. Smoking marijuana and drug affect her mentality in negative way. She has lots of fear but she definitely try hard. Just her circumstance is too harsh and her way is not efficient. Emotionally not independent. She cry often and talk to many people when she having a hard time or doing drug instead of do something constructive such as meditation,exercise, reading, enjoying nature.

*Wow, her kindness and nice attitude is very positive. That was mature and loving.

7-And her friends (even though she said she doesn't consider them as friends) and her interaction is superficial level so that actually just consume her energy and time.
7-She said she is needy so she wants to working on being Independence but is it only for relationship? she definitely get helped from all other acquaintance.

*Wow, I wrote a lot today. Because of my intensity, I need this kind of day that I can have enough time to think and express.

*I am on a bus again and bunch of school kids took on the bus. This seems nothing like America. why they are all yellow kids and speak Chinese? SF is half America and the other half is China. Oh my god, I'm smothered by kids and their noise. Seriously it's hard to breath.

*If I was well supported in my childhood I could trained well about something such as sports, art, some kind of skills. I was not supported well so I didn't have anything that influence my life significantly. That made me learn by myself from the world freely. Search my own passion all by myself as an adult. So I could develop intuition and insight flexibility. I am not tamed, trained, educated but I've learn how to live from wild society.

1-Last night dream was another intensive but feel so good dream. I think it was early morning time. I and Katie met somewhere again and I hugged her so hard and my breathing was getting rough and my entire body was shaking. Obviously I miss her and want her. But I am curious about dreaming. I want to read Fromm's another book about dream.

May/21/2008 Wednesday

Today morning when I'm on the bus I thought about the reason I sometime have difficulty to be peaceful or being in the moment and content. I think it's because the environment of city. A city life is much busier than the beach, country town, farm, mountain, etc. all nature close environment. First thing, every city has a common; big population. I think if there are more people in certain area then other area, that more people area has more energy or I may have to say more energy flow. Just being in a city without active interaction with other people can still interfere or influence my energy status. It seems to me there is always big amount of energy flow between humans that by thought and conscious. I don't have much knowledge about quantum physic but I've heard, from Buddhists and psychologists that even just thinking can create enough energy that change reality such as our behavior. Also, if more people live together, I have to more consider others. That makes more rules and laws and social norms. So I have to think more about consequence of my plan and act. For example, I want to write my thought on a blog and e-mail to Katie. To do that I need to use a computer. There are some choices. One, I can buy my own computer and use it. Two, I can borrow other person's computer temporary. Three, I can look for free computer on craigslist. Four, I can go Internet cafe and pay for it. Five, I can go public library and use a computer in the library.

* Arrrk!! I'm tired, I need to breath deeply and get some clean energy from nature to think better. This is why environment is important to get best result that I can create.

-I saw AIDS walk poster and that made me thought about what is purpose of it? I've seen breast cancer walk/run too. How that act/movement-many people do same thing together, especially physically-help us?

-Wow I am surprised by my brain. How fast it is! I mean it stimulated by so many things when I am outside. Whether I move or stay some where, it just constantly think and questioning, reasoning, and questioning again. Sometimes I get some insight from it. Some other time I get better understanding. It's not answer or conclusion. Understand how such things work and going around. Then I will be more objective and helpful to other human beings.

Erotic love

The Art of Loving p.49 Erotic Love, Erich Fromm

Brotherly love is love among equals; motherly love is love for the helpless. Different as they are from each other, they have in common that they are by their very nature not restricted to one person. If I love my brother, I love all my brothers; if I love my child, I love all my children; no, beyond that, I love all children, all that are in need of my help. In contrast to both types of love is erotic love; it is the craving for complete fusion, for union with one other person. It is by its very nature exclusive and not universal; it is also perhaps the most deceptive form of love there is.

First of all, it is often confused with the explosive experience of "falling" in love, the sudden collapse of the barriers which existed until that moment between two strangers. But, as was pointed out before, this experience of sudden intimacy is by its very nature short-lived. After the stranger has become an intimately known person there are no more barriers to be overcome, there is no more sudden closeness to be achieved. The "loved" person becomes as well known as oneself. Or, perhaps I should better say as little known. If there were more depth in the experience of the other person, if one could experience the infiniteness of his personality, the other person would never be so familiar- and the miracle of overcoming the barriers might occur every day anew. But for most people their own person, as well as others, is soon explored and soon exhausted. For them intimacy is established primarily through sexual contact. Since they experience the separateness of the other person primarily as physical separateness, physical union means overcoming separateness.

Beyond that, there are other factors which to many people denote the overcoming of separateness. To speak of one's own personal life, one's hopes and anxieties, to show oneself with one's childlike or childish aspects, to establish a common interest Vi's-a-Vi's the world-all this is taken as overcoming separateness. Even to show one's anger, one's hate, one's complete lack of inhibition is taken for intimacy, and this may explain the perverted attraction married couples often have for each other, who seem intimate only when they are in bed or when they give vent to their mutual hate and rage. But all these types of closeness tend to become reduced more and more as time goes on. The consequence is one seeks love with a new person, with a new stranger. Again the stranger is transformed into an "intimate" person, again the experience of falling in love is exhilarating and intense, and again it slowly becomes less and less intense, and ends in the wish for a new conquest, a new love- always with the illusion that the new love will be different from the earlier ones. These illusions are greatly helped by the deceptive character of sexual desire.

Sexual desire aims at fusion-and is by no means only a physical appetite, the relief of a painful tension. But sexual desire can be stimulated by the anxiety of aloneness, by the wish to conquer or be conquered, by vanity, by the wish to hurt and even to destroy, as much as it can be stimulated by love. It seems that sexual desire can easily blend with and be stimulated by any strong emotion, of which love is only one. Because sexual desire is in the minds of most people coupled with the idea of love, they are easily misled to conclude that they love each other when they want each other physically. Love can inspire the wish for sexual union; in this case the physical relationship is lacking in greediness, in a wish to conquer or to be conquered, but is blended with tenderness. If the desire for physical union is not stimulated by love, if erotic love is not also brotherly love, it never leads to union in more than an orgiastic, transitory sense. Sexual attraction creates, for the moment, the illusion of union, yet without love this "union" leaves strangers as far apart as they were before-sometimes it makes them ashamed of each other, or even gone they feel their estrangement even more markedly than before. Tenderness is by no means, as Freud believed, a sublimation of the sexual instinct; it is the direct outcome of brotherly love, and exists in physical as well as in nonphysical forms of love.

In erotic love there is an exclusiveness which is lacking in brotherly love and motherly love. This exclusive character of erotic love warrants some further discussion. Frequently the exclusiveness erotic love is misinterpreted as meaning possessive attachment. One can often find two people "in love" with each other who feel no love for anybody else. Their love is, in fact, an egotism a deux, they are two people who identify themselves with each other, and who solve the problem of separateness by enlarging the single individual into two. They have the experience of overcoming aloneness, yet, since they are separated from the rest of mankind, they remain separated from each other and alienated from themselves; their experience of union is an illusion. Erotic love is exclusive, but it loves in the other person all of mankind, all that is alive. It is exclusive only in the sense that I can fuse myself fully and intensely with one person only. Erotic love excludes the love for others only in the sense of erotic fusion, full commitment in all aspects of life-but not in the sense of deep brotherly love.

Erotic love, if it is love, has one premise. That I love from the essence of my being-and experience the other person in the essence of his or her being. In essence, all human beings so, it should not make any difference whom we love. Love should be essentially an act of will, of decision to commit my life completely to that of one other person. This is, indeed, the rationale behind the idea of the insolubility of marriage, as it is behind the many forms of traditional marriage in which the two partners never choose each other, but are chosen for each other-and yet are expected to love each other. In contemporary Western culture this idea appears altogether false. Love is supposed to be the outcome of a spontaneous, emotional reaction, of suddenly being gripped by an irresistible feeling. In this view, one sees only the peculiarities of the two individuals involved-and not the fact that all men are part of Adam, and all women part of Eve. One neglects to see an important factor in erotic love, that of will. To love somebody is not just a strong feeling-it is a decision, it is a judgement, it is a promise. If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go. How can I judge that it will stay forever, when my act does not involve judgement and decision?

Taking these views into account one may arrive at the position that love is exclusively an act of will and commitment, and that therefore fundamentally it does not matter who the two persons are. Whether the marriage was arranged by others, or the result of individual choice, once the marriage is concluded, the act of will should guarantee the continuation of love. This view seems to neglect the paradoxical character of human nature and of erotic love. We are all One-yet every one of us is a unique, unduplicable entity. In our relationships to others the same paradox is repeated. Inasmuch as we are all one, we can love everybody in the same way in the sense of brotherly love. But inasmuch as we are all also different, erotic love requires certain specific, highly individual elements which exist between some people but not between all.

Both view then, that of erotic love as completely individual attraction, unique between two specific persons, as well as the other view that erotic love is nothing but an act of will, are true-or, as it may be put more aptly, the truth is neither this nor that. Hence the idea of a relationship which can be easily dissolved if one is not successful with it is as erroneous as the idea that under no circumstances must the relationship be dissolved.

@#$Prearrange@#$ Love of life

@#$Prearrange@#$ My trait

about my trait that I've learn from the book "Liberating Everyday Genius" which were significantly helpful to develop/manage myself.

@#$Incomplete@#$ Endurance and development of mentality and emotionality

As how mass and strength of muscles and bones developed, as how body's flexibility developed, developing a mentality and emotionality needs some pressure and stress. Most of time, that pressure and stress are painful but mentality and emotionality actually strengthen by it. As far as I know of by my personal experience, being given pressure and stress is one of ways to develop. When I do weight training, my muscle not only gain more mess and strength, also gain an endurance. It's like get used to that pain so I don't feel pain as much as I used to feel before from the same degree of pressure and stress.