Kaffee Garten

One who never approve and one who never forgive. That's how my father and I coexist.

Me? As a son of my father, I am one who has never been approved, complemented, understood, respected. He as my father, is the one who never say sorry or thank you to me. This is a horrendous human relation that ought to be cut. But the case is impossible to be so unless one of them died. In 2006 there was a moment that I wanted to kill my mother and father by my own hand, physical murder. To get rid of the unbearable pain that generated by their existence and their actions in the past and present I imagined the scene of removing their presense as a punishment regardless it is unreasonable judgement or not. I never had notion of revenge, though. However, it remained in intense thought and didn't occur as an action. And since then that kind of thought and anger never have aroused as strong as it was. Feeling cool downed but it has gotton too cold. It has been already more than 4 years that I've decided to not even attend to his funeral after he dies. I don't even make eye contact with him and we barely through the few words to each other in a week and those words are also stricted to life functional matters.
I've heard from somewhere. In buddism, even after one died the energy continue and the karma of previous life become a new life whether it is low frequency or high frequency; reincanation. Then he and I will have some kind of new relationship after one of us or both of us died. But that's not the matter of life relation of this time as this human being. An idea cutting off two human being's relation is like cutting the air with a sword. Even with mere one minute aquentances is impossible. They think they are completely disconnected but it's actually self blinding not the disconnection. Anyway people can satisfied by the self-blinding because it's an easy trick. They prefer to believe those illusion 'she's gone','I don't see him nor think of him anymore so I am happy'.

Now then Shaaun what would you do if you know that it is impossible and you don't like the deceptive way?

Ironically, one of things what beautiful in painful memory is that catharsis by sharing. More intensive pain it is, more vivid memory we have, stronger catharsis we feel. More painful experience one has he/she can experience catharsis with more people. By listening their music of the emotion, reading their book of thier story energy brings the past life moment brings everything to now. I am there and I see, hear exactly same scene, feel exactly same feeling that I felt at that moment. It hurt as hell, energy ignites burn me again and at the climax catharsis happen with tear as pouring cold water to burning skin but it rather create much more pleasurable sensation.

Do I really want it?

Imagination can kill me by just feeling the illusion that I made. What I hate about her is the pleasure that I don't get. And that she has and I wanted that pleasure by shared by her with her but failed it. And it's all illusion that I created. What make it worse is that I don't even know the truth because she never responded. I never demanded but she never willing to relate to me. I've never asked and eventually I started to regret that I've never asked her, demand her, blame her. And still the invisible string of energy in human relation tied and it will never untied until at least one dies. So unless I die I will have to live with the pain that never goes away. Only I hope the pain change, but the memory is same and it remains as it has been. Because I haven't seen or heard the truth. It has been over 2 years and she is still remains as that 23 years old lady in my reality of my illusion. This is same as what Kristi told me before. She said that those small things how people do to her is more harm and traumatizing than big incidence like somebody does terrible and nasty thing to her. And those terrible event would not hurt her much. Today I could relate myself to that and made me think why people like us take those small stuffs as life threatening event? Actually it's not we take it like that, we being gotten it like that. Meantime, we are strong and able to take big and serious event much more easily. This is how sensitivity works. There is Korean expression that I consider as virtue 강자에겐 강하게 약자에겐 약하게 react/treat strongly to strong one react/treat weakly to weak one. I like it because that's what only human can does as a decent being. It is about things like courage, dignity, nobless, will against instinct. Animal can't do it. Strong to weak one and weak to strong one is how nature goes. And to think that I got seriously torned by weak one's weak action/reaction because of this virtue or my inclination...To think that's what happened, I can't bear the feeling of hurting my pride. Half of my life in last two years went disfunctionally. It's gone that way. I barely exist as human merely continue a life; walk around like a zombie, react like an insect by half of functional part that makes me survive. That half of sane consciousness tells, shows me undistinctable half fairy tale half truth that my life is going as it should be as I want to be. Born, experience, learn, express, live to love. That vague feeling of hope...it is hard to tell the truth of hope is whether I am living as dieing toward to happy death with love at the end or I live painfully because to be great in the art of loving for sake of fulfilled life by love even it happened at the moment of just before death.