2010 August eighth 12:30 AM
I was laid on a bed, just start to get night sleep. Then finally feeling and thought came. “What am I doing?” How I live in present? What’s happening? What has been happening? Where is love what am I doing with it in my life? Nothing! There is just nothing to do with love in what am I doing. This is true time killing. At least I should’ve written something that is based on revenge wishful thought. But I withheld it, always. It’s because of my idealistic tendency that what I want to express should be something greater than sweet revenge. What am I expecting then? Reward that from transcending the pain? Or do I wish that my writing start from new love after failure and damage as Erich Fromm did? Maybe that is what’s happening but that only can be done by the energy that is way beyond my control.
How silly and it is sick when I see myself repeating “fuck!” like a schizophrenic. And I hate myself as a helpless being that I can’t help creating this inner thought that I repeated countless time ‘Fuck you Katherine Hartmann, I wish you will experience same thing and feel the exact same pain what I’ve felt.’ I don’t know this is something that I ought to or not to write on my book but I couldn’t do it so far. And life is getting closer to death every minute while I am hesitating or crawling with pain from past and adding more pain by not expressing it. Indeed the pain has changed my personality. Witnessing from me it is amazing how much and how many things of human can be changed by pain or should I say by love even that is failed one. I’ve only heard that one’s face can be changed in quite a short period of time in sense of aging or in sense of impression but I’ve never imagined that would happen to me.
To think the wish of her pain I could see what’s in the core. It is not wish of revenge but to be understood by feel same thing, to be connected by the feeling even the feeling is pain. More correctly say to feel the connection because the feeling of connection is good. Being connected is healing, the cure of damaged mind.
Pain and pleasure is always balanced in this planet in us humans. If somebody feels pleasure there is pain some other feel as opposite polar. People who value only positivity are one-sided followers and blind. Happily forever is a fairytale, enjoy altogether is a fiction among this specie in this planet.
