Saturday, April 17, 2010
2010-4-18
On my way to Coax mall I noticed that what I'm doing on a street, on a subway, at public place in general. I was unconsciously avoid eye contact with people. No, actually not only avoiding eye contact, I don't even look at their face unless they get my attention because they are women or noticeable in any particular way. None of them are interesting nor stimulate me in moderate degree. Only foreigners get my attention. So that's how my tendency pattern function. Anyway, what thought I had? Right, I noticed the comparison. I shouldn't compare my life with other people that I see in daily basis because the quality of our life is different and formation is also very differernt. I should not think that my dissatisfaction may occuring in most of others' life and they are fine with it. It's doesn't make sense. They don't live like me and they don't have sensitivity like my type of human being. They are incapable to see what I experience. So do not compare my life with their and feel loser by comparing.
2010-4-17 신사동 starbucks
'하시는일 열심히 하세요' '열심히 살아요' 그냥 떠오른 생각이다. 한두사람 뿐만 아니라 여러사람들로부터 나를 포함한 여러사람에게 흔히 한국에서 들리는 소리. 내게 피식하는 웃음이 나게 하는 표현이다. 그 표현의 의미의 깊이와 타당성, 적합성을 떠나서 오늘 그냥 내 자신에게 질문을 하게 되었다. '오늘 나는 열심히 살았는가?' '난 내일을 열심히 하고 있는가?' 별로 그렇지 못한 것 같다. 글쎄 내가 글을 얼마나 쓰고 있는가에 기준한 편협한 답인듯하면서도 그게 궁극적으로 맞는 답인것 같다. 아마 무의식은 알겠지. 사랑이 인생의 의미이고 전부이며 인생이 곧 사랑인 사람에게 열심히 산다는건 무엇이 될까? 이론적 공부와 생활에서의 실천 그리고 나자신에게 뿐만 아니라 세상에로의 표현 역시 내가 해야한다고 느끼는 사랑의 실천이다. 그리고 나는 그것에 대해 항상 불만족을 가지고 있다. 아침에 완전히 깨어나기전의 비몽사몽한 상태에서 부터 시작해서 완전히 잠에 빠져들기 전까지 이부자리에 누워서 졸림에 섞인 의식 상태까지 게대가 꿈에서 까지 징후로써 불만족은 온종일 곳곳에서 수시로 등장과 소멸을 반복한다. 어쩌다 인생이 이렇게 됐을까 하는 생각을 안할 수가 없게 하는 참을 수 없는 고문이다. 더 악화되는게 두렵다. 진짜 망가지고 스스로 인생을 망친 사람들을 아주 가까운 주변에서 부터 봐왔고 그들에게 내가 항상 느끼는 감정은 불쌍함과 저항감 그리고 거리감이 섞여있다. 하지만 현재의 내 시점에 가까워질 수록 그 거리감은 줄어들고 저항감은 강해진다. '저렇게 되고 싶지 않다'. 하지만 그건 역시 두려움에 기반을 둔 반응이다. 제기랄...강함이란 결코 저절로 유지되는것이 아니다. 어쩌면 강함 자체가 강하다고 느껴지는 느낌 즉 환상에 일종뿐 이고 실재로 체화되는것은 아닐 수도 있다 특히 그 강함이 육체적인 것이 아니라 감정적이거나 정신적이거나 영적일 때. 물론 심리적인 관점차이에서 느껴지는 그 강하다라는 느낌의 차이가 태도에 큰 영향을 미치지만 느낌과 관계 없이 내가 습득해서 보유하고 있는 철저히 경험과 노력에 의한 떠나지 않는 강함이 있지 않을까? 용기의 존재여부와 상관없는 실체적 강함. 이 관념에 대해선 나중에 생각해보기로 하고 오늘에 대해 쓰고 싶다. 아마 이 글을 쓰게 된 이유가 바로 불만족에서 부터 시작했기에 오늘은 그다지 만족스러운 하루가 아니었다고 할 수 있겠다. 나이들면서 웃음이 적어지는게 바로 불만족스러운 삶의 자명한 증거가 아니겠는가? 그것 역시 인생의 단편적 시기에 드러난 특징적 현상이라고 크게 볼 수도 있겠다. 글을 쓰는것을 포함 모든 자기 표현만이 초월적 해소법이다.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Devotion, Dedication on one thing I do
By listening Sarah Brightman's song-You take my breath away, I felt the "suchness" of her. How her whole life integrated to one activity-being a musician,singer. This is not a new inspiration. Many times in the past I've inspired by musicians, especially classical musicians. Their suchness is different, unique, strong, seren, humble and something else that my linguistic is limited to express it properly. They have those qualities that are untouchable for ordinary people. Music shows how they have lived and live. They are not only succeeded of their productivity also they know art of living that Fromm mentioned. They don't live for happiness or just react to whatever comes to their life. Dedication, devotion to one activity cannot coexist with those "nice and easy so call happy life" doctrine within one person. Their devotion and dedication always makes me look back and think 'have I endeavor that much for mastery of love?', 'Is my life integrated to love intirely?' What a beautiful devotion! Or should I say devotion is beautiful.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
2010-4-15 8:23pm 압구정역 starbucks
What don't I understand? the feeling down itself? Identification of the feeling or phenomena? or the cause of feeling? It's confusing that I cannot even know if this is pain or not. I just react all the time to any change any feeling that I feel. I just react like sensitive kid. Reaction is try to identify the feeling and why I started to feel this and how I feel better. Well most of case I think the attemption is try to feel something different that is sweet. Did it ever work? It's not even worthwhile anymore. And I had a moment tonight why should I feel different? I mean why I aviod or change this feeling? This life stage certainly giving me new challenge. And it's seems inevitable. What choice I got? Several things must available. But what do I see all the time? What do I alwats choose? The moment of today reminds Vegabonsteve's word from his video on YouTube. He used to do same thing that try to change his feeling when the feeling is not pleasant. But he said he could start to see the beauty from his pain. Can I do that too? I remember that I used to clearly see the beauty of my life and feel the pleasure sensation by see that beauty. How is it now? Sure I am more complicate than before and more sensitive and aware more. And I rather feel fragile than stronger. I used to feel stronger than before all the time. I mean every new period of my life new experiences and situation came into my life I always felt I am stronger than before. That energy has been drained gradually since 2009 and I definitely feel that I don't have as much as I used to have before. I miss it. And it's sad if this is down hill. Oh maybe this is the "2steps back for 3 steps foward" as Vegabonsteve said. It make sense that it is going backward and degression of my humanity because that's what I have been feeling and afraid of. It's not about just getting old and being closer to death. This must be set back for next big step fowards. I don't know what kind of process require that or how it's going to develop me but I sense the movement at present moment. It's like crazy roller coaster. I've never enjoy those toy. It only gives me sick feeling.
Erich Fromm's Credo
• I believe that the unity of man as opposed to other living things derives from the fact that man is the conscious life of himself. Man is conscious of himself, of his future, which is death, of his smallness, of his impotence; he is aware of others as others; man is in nature, subject to its laws even if he transcends it with his thought.
• I believe that man is the product of natural evolution that is born from the conflict of being a prisoner and separated from nature, and from the need to find unity and harmony with it.
• I believe that the nature of man is a contradiction rooted in the conditions of human existence that requires a search for solutions, which in their turn create new contradictions and now the need for answers.
• I believe that every answer to these contradictions can really satisfy the condition of helping man to overcome the sense of separation and to achieve a sense of agreement, of unity, and of belonging.
• I believe that in every answer to these contradictions, man has the possibility of choosing only between going forward or going back; these choices, which are translated into specific actions, are means toward the regressing or toward the progressing of the humanity that is in us.
• I believe that the fundamental alternative for man is the choice between „life“ and „death“; between creativity and destructive violence; between reality and illusions; between objectivity and intolerance; between brotherhood-independence and dominance-submission.
• I believe that one can attribute to „life“ the significance of continuous birth and constant development. {101}
• I believe that one can attribute to „death“ the significance of suspension of growth; continuous repetition.
• I believe that man, with the regressive answer, tries to find unity, liberating himself from the unbearable fear of loneliness and uncertainty, distorting that which makes him human and torments him. The regressive orientation develops in three manifestations, separate or together: necrophilia, narcissism, and incestuous symbiosis.
By necrophilia is meant love for all that is violence and destruction; the desire to kill; the worship of force; attraction to death, to suicide, to sadism; the desire to transform the organic into the inorganic by means of „order.“ The necrophile, lacking the necessary qualities to create, in his impotence finds it easy to destroy because for him it serves only one quality: force.
By narcissism is meant ceasing to have an authentic interest in the outside world but instead an intense attachment to oneself, to one’s own group, clan, religion, nation, race, etc.-with consequent serious distortions of rational judgment. In general, the need for narcissistic satisfaction derives from the necessity to compensate for material and cultural poverty.
By incestuous symbiosis is meant the tendency to stay tied to the mother and to her equivalents--blood, family, tribe--to fly from the unbearable weight of responsibility, of freedom, of awareness, and to be protected and loved in a state of certainty dependence that the individual pays for with the ceasing of his own human development.
• I believe that the man choosing progress can find a new unity through the full development of all his human forces, which are produced in three orientations. These can be presented separately or together: biophilia, love for humanity and nature, and independence and freedom.
• I believe that love is the main key to open the doors to the „growth“ of man. Love and union with someone or something outside of oneself, union that allows one to put oneself into relationship with others, to feel one with others, without {102} limiting the sense of integrity and independence. Love is a productive orientation for which it is essential that there be present at the same time: concern, responsibility, and respect for and knowledge of the object of the union.
• I believe that the experience of love is the most human and humanizing act that it is given to man to enjoy and that it, like reason, makes no sense if conceived in a partial way.
• I believe in the need for „liberty from“ internal and/or external ties, as a preliminary condition for being able to have „liberty to“ create, build, want to know, etc., to be able to become a free, active, responsible individual.
• I believe that freedom is the capacity to follow the voice of reason and knowledge, against the voices of irrational passions; that it is the emancipation that renders man free and puts him on the way to using his own rational faculties and to understanding objectively the world and his own part in it.
• I believe that „struggling for freedom“ has in general had the sole meaning of struggling against the authority which is imposed, overcoming individual will. Today, „struggling for freedom“ should mean freeing ourselves individually and collectively from the „authority“ to which we have submitted „willingly“; freeing ourselves from the inner forces that necessitate this subjection because we are incapable of bearing freedom.
• I believe that freedom is not a constant attribute that „we have“ or „we don’t have“; perhaps there is only one reality: the act of liberating ourselves in the process of using choices. Every step in life that heightens the maturity of man heightens his ability to choose the freeing alternative.
• I believe that „freedom of choice“ is not always equal for all men at every moment. The man with an exclusively necrophilic orientation; who is narcissistic; or who is symbiotic-incestuous, can only make a regressive choice. The free man, freed from irrational ties, can no longer make a regressive choice.
• I believe that the problem of freedom of choice exists only for the man with contrasting orientations, and also this freedom {103} is always strongly conditioned by unconscious desires and by placating rationalizations.
• I believe that none can „save“ his fellow man by making a choice for him. To help him, he can indicate the possible alternatives, with sincerity and love, without being sentimental and without illusion. The knowledge and awareness of the freeing alternatives can reawaken in an individual all his hidden energies and put him on the path to choosing respect for „life“ instead of for „death.“
• I believe that equality is felt when, completely discovering oneself, one recognizes that one is equal to others and one identifies oneself with them. Every individual bears humanity inside himself; „the human condition“ is unique and equal for all men, in spite of the inevitable differences in intelligence, talent, height, color, etc.
• I believe that equality between men must be remembered, especially, to prevent one man’s becoming the instrument of another.
• I believe that brotherhood is love directed toward one’s fellow men. It will remain, however, a word without sense, until all „incestuous“ ties that prevent one from being able to judge the „brother“ objectively are eradicated.
• I believe that if an individual is not on the path to transcending his society and seeing in what way it furthers or impedes the development of human potential, he cannot enter into intimate contact with his humanity. If the tabus, restrictions, distorted values appear „natural“ to him, this is a clear indication that he cannot have a real knowledge of human nature.
• I believe that society, while having a function both stimulating and inhibiting at the same time, has always been in conflict with humanity. Only when the purpose of society is identified with that of humanity will society cease to paralyze man and encourage his dominance.
• I believe that one can and must hope for a sane society that furthers man’s capacity to love his fellow men, to work and {104} create, to develop his reason and his objectivity of a sense of himself that is based on the experience of his productive energy.
• I believe that one can and must hope for the collective regaining of a mental health that is characterized by the capacity to love and to create; by the liberation of man from incestuous ties with the clan and the soil; by a sense of identity based on the experience that the individual has of himself as the subject and agent of his powers; by the capacity to affect reality inside and outside of himself and bring about the development of objectivity and reason.
• I believe that inasmuch as this world of ours seems to become mad and dehumanized, an ever greater number of individuals will feel the need to associate and work with men who share their worries.
• I believe that these men of good intention should not only arrive at a human interpretation of the world, but must point the way and work for a possible transformation. An interpretation without wish for change is useless; a change without preliminary interpretation is blind.
• I believe in the possible realization of a world in which man can be much, even if he has little; a world in which the dominant motivation of existence is not consumption; a world in which „man“ is the end, first and last; a world in which man can find the way of giving a purpose to his life as well as the strength to live free and without illusions.
• I believe that man is the product of natural evolution that is born from the conflict of being a prisoner and separated from nature, and from the need to find unity and harmony with it.
• I believe that the nature of man is a contradiction rooted in the conditions of human existence that requires a search for solutions, which in their turn create new contradictions and now the need for answers.
• I believe that every answer to these contradictions can really satisfy the condition of helping man to overcome the sense of separation and to achieve a sense of agreement, of unity, and of belonging.
• I believe that in every answer to these contradictions, man has the possibility of choosing only between going forward or going back; these choices, which are translated into specific actions, are means toward the regressing or toward the progressing of the humanity that is in us.
• I believe that the fundamental alternative for man is the choice between „life“ and „death“; between creativity and destructive violence; between reality and illusions; between objectivity and intolerance; between brotherhood-independence and dominance-submission.
• I believe that one can attribute to „life“ the significance of continuous birth and constant development. {101}
• I believe that one can attribute to „death“ the significance of suspension of growth; continuous repetition.
• I believe that man, with the regressive answer, tries to find unity, liberating himself from the unbearable fear of loneliness and uncertainty, distorting that which makes him human and torments him. The regressive orientation develops in three manifestations, separate or together: necrophilia, narcissism, and incestuous symbiosis.
By necrophilia is meant love for all that is violence and destruction; the desire to kill; the worship of force; attraction to death, to suicide, to sadism; the desire to transform the organic into the inorganic by means of „order.“ The necrophile, lacking the necessary qualities to create, in his impotence finds it easy to destroy because for him it serves only one quality: force.
By narcissism is meant ceasing to have an authentic interest in the outside world but instead an intense attachment to oneself, to one’s own group, clan, religion, nation, race, etc.-with consequent serious distortions of rational judgment. In general, the need for narcissistic satisfaction derives from the necessity to compensate for material and cultural poverty.
By incestuous symbiosis is meant the tendency to stay tied to the mother and to her equivalents--blood, family, tribe--to fly from the unbearable weight of responsibility, of freedom, of awareness, and to be protected and loved in a state of certainty dependence that the individual pays for with the ceasing of his own human development.
• I believe that the man choosing progress can find a new unity through the full development of all his human forces, which are produced in three orientations. These can be presented separately or together: biophilia, love for humanity and nature, and independence and freedom.
• I believe that love is the main key to open the doors to the „growth“ of man. Love and union with someone or something outside of oneself, union that allows one to put oneself into relationship with others, to feel one with others, without {102} limiting the sense of integrity and independence. Love is a productive orientation for which it is essential that there be present at the same time: concern, responsibility, and respect for and knowledge of the object of the union.
• I believe that the experience of love is the most human and humanizing act that it is given to man to enjoy and that it, like reason, makes no sense if conceived in a partial way.
• I believe in the need for „liberty from“ internal and/or external ties, as a preliminary condition for being able to have „liberty to“ create, build, want to know, etc., to be able to become a free, active, responsible individual.
• I believe that freedom is the capacity to follow the voice of reason and knowledge, against the voices of irrational passions; that it is the emancipation that renders man free and puts him on the way to using his own rational faculties and to understanding objectively the world and his own part in it.
• I believe that „struggling for freedom“ has in general had the sole meaning of struggling against the authority which is imposed, overcoming individual will. Today, „struggling for freedom“ should mean freeing ourselves individually and collectively from the „authority“ to which we have submitted „willingly“; freeing ourselves from the inner forces that necessitate this subjection because we are incapable of bearing freedom.
• I believe that freedom is not a constant attribute that „we have“ or „we don’t have“; perhaps there is only one reality: the act of liberating ourselves in the process of using choices. Every step in life that heightens the maturity of man heightens his ability to choose the freeing alternative.
• I believe that „freedom of choice“ is not always equal for all men at every moment. The man with an exclusively necrophilic orientation; who is narcissistic; or who is symbiotic-incestuous, can only make a regressive choice. The free man, freed from irrational ties, can no longer make a regressive choice.
• I believe that the problem of freedom of choice exists only for the man with contrasting orientations, and also this freedom {103} is always strongly conditioned by unconscious desires and by placating rationalizations.
• I believe that none can „save“ his fellow man by making a choice for him. To help him, he can indicate the possible alternatives, with sincerity and love, without being sentimental and without illusion. The knowledge and awareness of the freeing alternatives can reawaken in an individual all his hidden energies and put him on the path to choosing respect for „life“ instead of for „death.“
• I believe that equality is felt when, completely discovering oneself, one recognizes that one is equal to others and one identifies oneself with them. Every individual bears humanity inside himself; „the human condition“ is unique and equal for all men, in spite of the inevitable differences in intelligence, talent, height, color, etc.
• I believe that equality between men must be remembered, especially, to prevent one man’s becoming the instrument of another.
• I believe that brotherhood is love directed toward one’s fellow men. It will remain, however, a word without sense, until all „incestuous“ ties that prevent one from being able to judge the „brother“ objectively are eradicated.
• I believe that if an individual is not on the path to transcending his society and seeing in what way it furthers or impedes the development of human potential, he cannot enter into intimate contact with his humanity. If the tabus, restrictions, distorted values appear „natural“ to him, this is a clear indication that he cannot have a real knowledge of human nature.
• I believe that society, while having a function both stimulating and inhibiting at the same time, has always been in conflict with humanity. Only when the purpose of society is identified with that of humanity will society cease to paralyze man and encourage his dominance.
• I believe that one can and must hope for a sane society that furthers man’s capacity to love his fellow men, to work and {104} create, to develop his reason and his objectivity of a sense of himself that is based on the experience of his productive energy.
• I believe that one can and must hope for the collective regaining of a mental health that is characterized by the capacity to love and to create; by the liberation of man from incestuous ties with the clan and the soil; by a sense of identity based on the experience that the individual has of himself as the subject and agent of his powers; by the capacity to affect reality inside and outside of himself and bring about the development of objectivity and reason.
• I believe that inasmuch as this world of ours seems to become mad and dehumanized, an ever greater number of individuals will feel the need to associate and work with men who share their worries.
• I believe that these men of good intention should not only arrive at a human interpretation of the world, but must point the way and work for a possible transformation. An interpretation without wish for change is useless; a change without preliminary interpretation is blind.
• I believe in the possible realization of a world in which man can be much, even if he has little; a world in which the dominant motivation of existence is not consumption; a world in which „man“ is the end, first and last; a world in which man can find the way of giving a purpose to his life as well as the strength to live free and without illusions.
2010-4-15 starbucks in 이태원
Again, I'm losing my balance and falling down. endless collapse I feel I am sand man. Can't built anything firm. I don't want to be simple human being so I like my complexity but that make everything difficult especiall balancing. However, I'm like melted ice-cream at least that's how I feel. What's the point bearing this freasing cold weather? Just not to be frozen? As melted ice cream there is no clear direction or purpose. It just ugly and pityful. No body cares. Nobody. It doesn't attract anybody.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
balance
one of abilities of balancing is strength. Upside standing and kicking require muscle strength. If I don't have enought strenght, I lose balanace easily. Also it's important how much strength I use which is controling the power. Also weight shifting is essential and its sensitivity. Same in conversation or love, in order to not fail frequency, amount, degree of depth, diversity ratio of giving and receiving have to be balanced.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)