2010-4-15 8:23pm 압구정역 starbucks

What don't I understand? the feeling down itself? Identification of the feeling or phenomena? or the cause of feeling? It's confusing that I cannot even know if this is pain or not. I just react all the time to any change any feeling that I feel. I just react like sensitive kid. Reaction is try to identify the feeling and why I started to feel this and how I feel better. Well most of case I think the attemption is try to feel something different that is sweet. Did it ever work? It's not even worthwhile anymore. And I had a moment tonight why should I feel different? I mean why I aviod or change this feeling? This life stage certainly giving me new challenge. And it's seems inevitable. What choice I got? Several things must available. But what do I see all the time? What do I alwats choose? The moment of today reminds Vegabonsteve's word from his video on YouTube. He used to do same thing that try to change his feeling when the feeling is not pleasant. But he said he could start to see the beauty from his pain. Can I do that too? I remember that I used to clearly see the beauty of my life and feel the pleasure sensation by see that beauty. How is it now? Sure I am more complicate than before and more sensitive and aware more. And I rather feel fragile than stronger. I used to feel stronger than before all the time. I mean every new period of my life new experiences and situation came into my life I always felt I am stronger than before. That energy has been drained gradually since 2009 and I definitely feel that I don't have as much as I used to have before. I miss it. And it's sad if this is down hill. Oh maybe this is the "2steps back for 3 steps foward" as Vegabonsteve said. It make sense that it is going backward and degression of my humanity because that's what I have been feeling and afraid of. It's not about just getting old and being closer to death. This must be set back for next big step fowards. I don't know what kind of process require that or how it's going to develop me but I sense the movement at present moment. It's like crazy roller coaster. I've never enjoy those toy. It only gives me sick feeling.