@#$Incomplete@#$ Focus/concentration

I know that if I don't focus on my object of love, let say the case is woman, I cannot responds well to her. Because of lack of sensativity and knowledge about what is going on her and what is good for her, my act and expression will be not really help or good for her. I've learn why focus is necessity in order to love. Focus means be sensitive about my object of love. Be aware of my woman, how she doing now? what's going on now? why she feel happy or unhappy? What's important to her now? How can I help her or make her happy? Not just in emotional level, also very deepest, essential level of matter. To do so, knowledge about the one is absolute necessity. What is her dream, desire, needs, fear? What is her being? what is her ultimate being that she wants? What's her fulfillment, destiny? There are less important matters as well, such as 'what's her hobby?', 'what she likes to eat?', 'what's her tendency?', 'why she does that?'
To obtain these knowledge, knowing myself-self smart-is acquired. Because I have to know myself first, only then I can judge right. Am I capable to give what is good for her or not? If I am not, I have to make decision humbly. I have to accept the fact that I can'tdo that high level of love to her. That case, I can do only brotherly love to her. It's not thinking ahead about non-existence future and giving up opportunity of love based on mere presume, even though I have not try yet. It is about being in the present because mature love is realistic. I am not saying about materialistic realism such as financial situation, career, social position. I meant I have to reflect myself. What am I? What can I do now? Where am I in my life stage? Am I intelligence enough to get right knowledge about her? and figure out what she need to fulfill, grow up. satisfy. More importantly, am I able to bring that needs for her? by mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually? I don't have much knowledge about spirituality so I rather not mention about it now. Anyhow this is why I think mental, emotional, social intelligence is very important to experience mature level of love. Obviously, figuring out all these kind of things about her takes not only time, but also effort dedication, patient, concentration, most importantly, will.

^^Photo^^Another Pictures

In my shared room in the hostel. As usual hostel room, it is very small for 3 people.
When I was set up my computer in the room first time, I was happy about that I can do blogging. Then another day, I was ranting about current life situation.

June/07/08

Fuck...it's 2:49AM this is one another day, no night that I can't get sleep. I went to bed but I decided to just wake up after several stimulation of my god damn brain. I am lame. I am sick. This is not about low self-esteem or self hatred. At this moment I just want to say like this. Maybe it's because emotion or chemical whatever it is, it overcome my rationality. I can't be calm at this moment, I can't response to myself more maturely at this moment. I'm not smart enough as I ought to be. My consciousness is not big enough to get out of this dilemma. As a result, I suffering, I am suffering with all kind of negative feeling and thinking- fraustration, depression, anger, denying, jelous, mistreated, abandoned, unfair, numb. I realized something few days ago. I know some extreme ways to train atheleths, martial artists, soldiers. Especially in physical training or punishment, for example long period time and very many time of repitition of push up or sit down stand up. First it cause phsical pain, then that pain affect mentality and emotion. And when they think they reached their limit-exhaustion, muscles are not moving well anymore, pain from all muscles, mental stress-they