June/07/08

Fuck...it's 2:49AM this is one another day, no night that I can't get sleep. I went to bed but I decided to just wake up after several stimulation of my god damn brain. I am lame. I am sick. This is not about low self-esteem or self hatred. At this moment I just want to say like this. Maybe it's because emotion or chemical whatever it is, it overcome my rationality. I can't be calm at this moment, I can't response to myself more maturely at this moment. I'm not smart enough as I ought to be. My consciousness is not big enough to get out of this dilemma. As a result, I suffering, I am suffering with all kind of negative feeling and thinking- fraustration, depression, anger, denying, jelous, mistreated, abandoned, unfair, numb. I realized something few days ago. I know some extreme ways to train atheleths, martial artists, soldiers. Especially in physical training or punishment, for example long period time and very many time of repitition of push up or sit down stand up. First it cause phsical pain, then that pain affect mentality and emotion. And when they think they reached their limit-exhaustion, muscles are not moving well anymore, pain from all muscles, mental stress-they