Imagination can kill me by just feeling the illusion that I made. What I hate about her is the pleasure that I don't get. And that she has and I wanted that pleasure by shared by her with her but failed it. And it's all illusion that I created. What make it worse is that I don't even know the truth because she never responded. I never demanded but she never willing to relate to me. I've never asked and eventually I started to regret that I've never asked her, demand her, blame her. And still the invisible string of energy in human relation tied and it will never untied until at least one dies. So unless I die I will have to live with the pain that never goes away. Only I hope the pain change, but the memory is same and it remains as it has been. Because I haven't seen or heard the truth. It has been over 2 years and she is still remains as that 23 years old lady in my reality of my illusion. This is same as what Kristi told me before. She said that those small things how people do to her is more harm and traumatizing than big incidence like somebody does terrible and nasty thing to her. And those terrible event would not hurt her much. Today I could relate myself to that and made me think why people like us take those small stuffs as life threatening event? Actually it's not we take it like that, we being gotten it like that. Meantime, we are strong and able to take big and serious event much more easily. This is how sensitivity works. There is Korean expression that I consider as virtue 강자에겐 강하게 약자에겐 약하게 react/treat strongly to strong one react/treat weakly to weak one. I like it because that's what only human can does as a decent being. It is about things like courage, dignity, nobless, will against instinct. Animal can't do it. Strong to weak one and weak to strong one is how nature goes. And to think that I got seriously torned by weak one's weak action/reaction because of this virtue or my inclination...To think that's what happened, I can't bear the feeling of hurting my pride. Half of my life in last two years went disfunctionally. It's gone that way. I barely exist as human merely continue a life; walk around like a zombie, react like an insect by half of functional part that makes me survive. That half of sane consciousness tells, shows me undistinctable half fairy tale half truth that my life is going as it should be as I want to be. Born, experience, learn, express, live to love. That vague feeling of hope...it is hard to tell the truth of hope is whether I am living as dieing toward to happy death with love at the end or I live painfully because to be great in the art of loving for sake of fulfilled life by love even it happened at the moment of just before death.