May/16/2008

1-Writing to reply an e-mail from Katie ASAP
1-Read her mail again, read what she mentioned.
1-Positive, Be truthful, consideration.
1-E-mail is for her, Blog is for her and myself.
1-Explain about blog
1-Response about her opinion about California
1-put my point of view about CALI
1-My current life since in SF but not too detail and emotional.
1-Don't be needy, express some my inner power that I can produce love

*Cool in line Skating woman!

2-Ask Mathew to send my stuff to aunt's house in L.A.

*Enjoy the coffee that I have right now
*complement the Starbucks lady to make her day great.

2-I need summer clothes which I already have; my style, cool one.

*what's the thing that feels like small ball inside of earlobe?

3-What do I do today?
3-Where do I want to go?
3-Do I still need to look for a job?

4-If I have laptop, writing my thought, journal, E-mail, book will be much easier and faster
4-What about my PC in San Diego?
4-What about camcorder connection?
4-Do I need to buy more miniDV tape? I mean for recording myself?
4-what about buying a memory chip for taking pictures?
4-It's better to scan DV tape to computer than upload on website then record new video.

1-If I can use computer only one hour. I need to read her email and reply whole thing within that time
1-Ask her where she staying in LA and when does she go back to Chicago.
1-Is it summer vacation now?
1-I'm thinking the possibility to meet her soon, no matter wherever I want to see her again. She is in CA now!
1-I thought about going L.A. or Santa Barbara to meet her taking Amtrak.

*I'm such a intensive man, aren't I?

1-If I go by Amtrak or other transportation. I will spend more than $200 for transportation, food, staying at hostel. And after that no money again! It is worthy to do that for meeting her and satisfying me but that doesn't create something more constructive effect, obviously.

5-Think about place to stay after Sunny's place
5-Go to USA hostel and ask how long should I stay before I apply a job.

*Call Anna for say thank you

5-I'm not sure there is still chance to stay at shelters or not. But it definitely help to save money but time. Also the environment makes hard to be peaceful neither be positive. but there were stimulation from negative emotion and nervous.

* I think that pretty woman took off.

1-After that intensive feeling and emotion go away, how I can keep love her without productive activity? Job and place to stay and food!...Fuck!
1-She is not an intensive woman. she won't take risk for being crazy and suffered.
1-let her know I really want to show her my blog.

*and doing it.
*Curse of thinker: I have a responsibility to be patient and careful and try to understand and help other person even if they are not positive to me such as offencive, criticize, whining, complaint, judge, attack me. Because, I'm the one who has conscious that what are synergy, positivity, constructive result, what are destructive consequence, harm, waste, or using energy wrong way.

1-I've learn why focus is necessity in order to love.

*How far from here to Chicago? research it.
*Oh Jesus, spider, butterfly and stars and string tattoo? and doing cross puzzle on newspaper?

1-Focus means be sensitive about my object of love. Be aware of my woman, how she doing now? what's going on now? why she feel happy or unhappy? What's important to her now? How can I help her or make her happy? Not just in emotional level, also very deepest, essential level of matter. To do so, knowledge about the one is absolute necessity. What is her dream, desire, needs, fear? What is her being? what is her ultimate being that she wants? What's her fulfillment, destiny?
1-Less important matters such as what's her hobby? what she likes to eat? what's her tendency? why she does that?
1-To obtain these knowledge, knowing myself is acquired. Because I have to know myself first, only then I can judge right. Am I capable to give what is good for her or not? If I am not, I have to make decision humbly. I have to accept the fact that I can'tdo that high level of love to her. That case, I can do only brotherly love to her. It's not thinking ahead about non-existence future and giving up opportunity of love based on mere presume, even though I have not try yet. It is about being in the present because mature love is realistic. I am not saying about materialistic realism such as financial situation, career, social position. I meant I have to reflect myself. What am I? What can I do now? Where am I in my life stage? Am I intelligence enough to get right knowledge about her? and figure out what she need to fulfill, grow up. satisfy. More importantly, am I able to bring that need for her? by mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually? I don't have much knowledge about spirituality so I rather not mention about it now. Anyhow this is why I think mental, emotional, social intelligence is very important to experience mature level of love. Obviously, figuring out all these kind of things about her takes not only time, but also effort dedication, patient, concentration, most importantly, will.

6-Read! I need to read for satisfying my curiosity and educate myself to study love also transcend my pain and suffering life by understand more about a human and the world.
6-Reading will enhance my English, especially vocabulary and grammar.
6-Always study with a heart. Stimulation will accelerate my learning speed.
6-Associate reading with speaking and writing. Speak to myself and record it. Then analyze it and get a conclusion then I can speak to other people which intended to help and learn.
6-Write my feeling and idea on the blog and journal about what I just read and thought. Then share it with somebody who can comprehend and give me feedback or opinion.

*Why can't I reach deep level of meditation that I used to reach several times?

7-People in SF that I've encountered
7-Anna. First impression: rashness, openness, intensive, not peaceful, unorganized, darkness, gloomy, depress, non judgemental, quick decision and reaction, suffering from her set up. No intention to harm other people. unhealthy-emotionally and physically. Smoking marijuana and drug affect her mentality in negative way. She has lots of fear but she definitely try hard. Just her circumstance is too harsh and her way is not efficient. Emotionally not independent. She cry often and talk to many people when she having a hard time or doing drug instead of do something constructive such as meditation,exercise, reading, enjoying nature.

*Wow, her kindness and nice attitude is very positive. That was mature and loving.

7-And her friends (even though she said she doesn't consider them as friends) and her interaction is superficial level so that actually just consume her energy and time.
7-She said she is needy so she wants to working on being Independence but is it only for relationship? she definitely get helped from all other acquaintance.

*Wow, I wrote a lot today. Because of my intensity, I need this kind of day that I can have enough time to think and express.

*I am on a bus again and bunch of school kids took on the bus. This seems nothing like America. why they are all yellow kids and speak Chinese? SF is half America and the other half is China. Oh my god, I'm smothered by kids and their noise. Seriously it's hard to breath.

*If I was well supported in my childhood I could trained well about something such as sports, art, some kind of skills. I was not supported well so I didn't have anything that influence my life significantly. That made me learn by myself from the world freely. Search my own passion all by myself as an adult. So I could develop intuition and insight flexibility. I am not tamed, trained, educated but I've learn how to live from wild society.

1-Last night dream was another intensive but feel so good dream. I think it was early morning time. I and Katie met somewhere again and I hugged her so hard and my breathing was getting rough and my entire body was shaking. Obviously I miss her and want her. But I am curious about dreaming. I want to read Fromm's another book about dream.