*In Progress* Attraction

Attraction is not a love. Inspite of this category is concept of love, I choose to talk about attraction because it's one of most problematic matter within our contemporary society. Well, only if you agreed that love is that much important. We have biggest misunderstanding of love by attraction and that misunderstanding create distraction and obstacle of experiencing love in our life.

Attraction is not a component of the art of loving. It's not a practice of love nor factor of personality development. It is phenomena that appear in function of love. Attraction itself is not a part of principle of loving. But it relates to energy flow of love because it's energy as well. There is parts that intersected with love and attraction. Attraction is one of human experience, feeling, chemical movement in our brain. If I like something or material "thing" I say that attract me, I'm interested in something. Same goes with between human beings. And in a realm of love, if I strictly call it, I should call it "like" not love. Why? Let's using some rationality. Why attraction is not love? Why it is like? What's the difference between like and love?

Let's start from easy one. Why we like something or someone? When do we use I like this I like that I like her/him? There must be the reason of it based on one of simple truth:cause and effect. I like it/her/him because...blah blah blah. We say "I don't know why I like it/him/her," only when we are not aware of the reason, cause. That case is because of our lack of consciousness. Although, I cannot know 100% of all the reasons why I like, I can explain as much as my consciousness reaches. We sometime can't understand at all about things we feel and do thus we can't explain why. And some people misunderstood that there is no reason. Many time people say,"Things just happened." That's not humble attitude. I rather say, "I can't understand the reason."

I said feel, "like" is feeling. And attraction is the feeling of like. Most of human probably experienced that strong feeling toward to the other person"I like her/him so bad." Then we think I love her/him because feeling is overwhelming. Feeling create another phenomena-heart ache, missing, nervous. I used to be that way since I was kid until age 23 when I start to understand the concept of love and able to distinguish my feeling and idea of love.

(May/26/Monday/2008)Talking of love, especially in erotic/romantic love, attraction is one of big factor of our behavior. It certainly influence us in act of love. On a date, relationship, any forms of erotic love, the position of attraction is everywhere. So I'm not sure where do I start now. For right now, I want to talk about how attraction usually happen in modern society as I've experienced. Let's start from very beginning moment of our contact with our object of attraction. For example, from my experience, in daily bases, I see some woman on a street, cafe, book store, library, park, grocery store, restaurant, public transportation, the beach, a hostel. No matter what is my position-what I am doing; work,customer,just passing,visit,relaxing-in that place, stimulation starts if I see someone attractive. Then, what is attractive mean? It is of course all different to all people. But one common thing we all experience, the feeling, we all feel something by attraction. Without clear notice what is reason of that feeling, we are already stimulated. Real example, good look, attitude, good voice, word what that woman said, body language, etc. through all human expressions. Just the person's appearance itself might be considered non expression, but it is actually already expressed by human nature because we humans are also the creation of universe.

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(Sep/17/2008) Let me explain by some real example from my personal life. It was 2007, I was in a cafeteria in a college. I was about to start eating my lunch that I cooked at home. One lady came and sit in front of my table. I said "Hi" with smile, She hi back to me. Then few seconds later she started to talk. "So, how are you?" Then conversation started. My brain getting informaiton, through verbal and non verbal signals. My consciousness does few things; focus on what she saying and what I am saying and how she behave and react. Consciousness is pretty much focused on verbal and nonverbal signal. Meantime, my subconscious also getting information and calculate with speed of lightening. Through all sensors scanning her appearance/body language/situation, information coming: her name is Sandra, journalism major, 5 years in college, from Washington, white American, working in photo art gallery, mixed blond hair, hazel eyes, her voice is loud enough, her laughing is loud enough, one year older than me, the way she dress is not superficial nor ordinary but little bit nerdy and uninhibited, intellectual and ambitious. She tries hard to get my Korean name, repeat my name several times to pronounce it well, etc. By those information my subconscious calculating positive and negative facts of attraction. Making conclusions and decisions through input data by my own perception. Those calculation is not necessarily rational. That's just way of brain goes. Positive facts are:'she's pretty', 'she is my age and one year older', 'independent', 'intelligence', 'Her voice is loud so she has confidence or high self-esteem', 'she laughs often by what I'm saying', even 'Her name is cool "Sandra"'. Subconsciousness already calculating possibility of she falls in love with me by data; Those data include sociological factor such as her situation. It's not necessarily her personal quality.

Conversation ends and she is getting up.

Sandra: "It was really nice to talk to you Shaaun, thanks! I had a good lunch time."

Me: "It was good to meet you, Sandra"

Sandra: "I usually come to cafeteria and have a lunch around this time."
Me: "Okay, see you around."

She is gone. And my brain overwhelmed. It overstimulated by excitement and nervous. I can't even control my face muscle now. I'm not sure which is happen earlier than other. Whether information and calculation create that feeling-excitement and nervous- or feeling create judgement and decision. All of them already have done by subconsciousness. And I feel and think now; conclusion, 'She is attractive and I am attracted to her.' 'She is likable.'

Then someone maybe questioning, "How do you know those are done by subconsciousness?" "If you are not conscious about them how can you think and describe them?"

I know those are subconsciousness level of procedure and decision making because those "thought" popped up after I finish the conversation. I could think of them after she has gone. My consciousness was fully focusing on conversation; careful listening and what I speak to her.

This is the example of attraction energy flow and my first time I noticing how attraction working inside of my brain.

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I'm not saying attraction is not important at all in realm of romantic love nor it's not right to behave based on attraction. Attraction sometimes enhence act of love and sometimes it goes opposite. I mean there is a case we have better attitude toward the person I like by attraction and there is a case we behave not great because of attraction. And that choice and consequences are up to personality orientation/development of that person.

My intention is to make you able to distinguish attraction and real function of love.

Down to earth, to not be a hypocritic, I have to reflect myself and write how I do and what I am capable of. Another real example:

(September 4th 2008)

Katherine. Why I love her? Why I like her? What are the things that I attracted to her? And why is that? and What is my idea and perception of her? Let's write every thing I can think of and conscious of.

Easy thing first, attraction/fascinating/winsome/captivating/alluring/enticing factors. I have done this thing (complement and admire the woman whom I like, how beautiful and awesome she is) several times. It's my tendency that express my feeling. But never wrote it down before.

Let's start from easy to think of.

First of all, what is her physical attraction? She is very beautiful to me and I think even objectively there aren't many heterosexual men disagree with that. She sure has one of those "American beauty" that I like; smart and bright beauty. This is detail of my point of view about her physical beauty.

First, her face, she got feminine and genuine face. Her face is one of type that I will never sick of. Marvellous blue eyes, not just beautiful color, she has intelligence person's eyes. Smart eyes! and her face line, nose, brunet hair, lips, tooth, cheek, forehead, chin, neck all of them are decent enough. I like all of them, I just want to kiss them. Her smile has vulnerable and plesent energy which is similar smile with mine.

Second, her voice, she got unusual voice, it's not like Sarah Brightman's glorious female voice. Katie's voice sound is mixed, not pure, not really high pitch which makes it sexy.

Third, her legs are HOT. I mean splendid! She is a runner, not professional level but good enough runner as non athlete. And she does some fitness activities, belly dancing, she does some training.

Basically her body is fit, healthy, look good.

More important matter, mentality. Katie is mentally healthy and mature. She sure is an intelligence woman. She has strong intellectual ability that trained/educated by school system even though that fact is something ordinary about her. But being well disciplined is something can't ignore. At her age twenty-three, she has been studying psychology five years. She is in graduate school. And she is bilingual in Spanish and English. And the way she talks, it's often bit fast to me but she definitely has a smart woman's verbal skill. When I listen what she says, especially when she talk fast and using not easy vocabularies and sophisticate sentence, I feel like I am an idiot. I didn't understand what she said but I got good feeling because that makes she deserves my little bit snobbish, high manner and my respect toward queen like woman that I always like to do. She makes me think 'I want to speak like her.' 'That's good enough level of English I want to attain.' She is decent conversationalist as well. she has listening skill that require patience. She has good insight too. Her intelligence is definitely powerful as her gorgeous appearance. It's stronger than her power of physical appearance.

Also, I like how she dress. The way she dress and make up is womanly and graceful.

I like the fact that she decide to walk with me when I asked her. I consider that as ability to not afraid of do something risky. Also from the fact that she was travel by herself. I can't say she is really courageous woman but I like that she challenges such things.

There is other thing than attraction/fascinating/winsome/captivating/alluring/enticing factors. What should I call them? Allow me say that "magnetizing". Magnetizing is little bit different than attraction. It's not necessarily her charm, what she has. It's more like about some facts between she and I. Facts that make me feel good from it. Such a things like, the fact that she is a vegetarian. I am a vegetarian too. She is American. I like American woman most in general. She studies psychology. Psychology is my favorite subject/study.

There are more strong and prominent magnetizing factors. I met her when I was doing my walking journey, my mission which is one of most significant moment in my life. I met her at that moment when I did radical act, take the jump and stake everything on love. I shared the moment with her even though it was short. I had really wonderful time because she was there. Memories......I still remember the very first moment of our encounter. I was just got back to the hostel room and she was in the room tying her shoes and she said "Hello" to me with B-E-A-utiful smile. And conversation after that, we hit it up really fast. We went out Starbucks coffee then we had dinner at Mexican food restaurant. And same night, I asked her "Hey, Katie. I want to ask something. Would you walk with me tomorrow? You can walk as much as you want. There are several chances to come back. I've already looked up. You can come back whenever you want. It's totally cool if you don't walk with me. but I ask you because I'd like to know you more and it will be great to me if you will be my company." I still remember her smile with little bit of shy face while I was asking and she answered, "Yes." Needless to say, I was euphoric. Another fact that we have been contact by e-mail and few phone calls after that while I was walking.

And most significant fact, since I met her all the experiences that I had, changed me alot. Especially my development of loving. She provided all the experience that I needed to experience; practice the art of loving. Filling the gap between my knowledge by thought and true knowledge that only can obtain by experience. Because she was my object of love, because I was in love, so I could practice. And she is the woman that made me practice the art of loving most deeply, intensively so far. Despite of those practices of love that I had are harsh and difficult as hell, I persistantly take it by will power. I had stronger, more intensive feeling with other women before but I never had this much of practice and learning through those experiences. All the hard disciplines were not by what she did to me, by my insight, rationality and will power. But it could happen because she was the stimulus and object. It's more individual practice/discipline instead mutual one because all the things that I learned were from inner experiences. So I learned it and I am different than before, again.

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Also There is "curiosity". Curiosity is desire to know that particular person. The reason why we feel curiosity is we are complex being, human is small universe. We can never fully, completely, perfectly understand ourselves. So curiosity is desire to reveal, understand, know ourselves. As I am curious about me, I am curious about fellow human being because we are same living beings in this planet and part of universe. To know other human being helps to know myself and vice versa. Because of curiosity I act something, do something to get information, data of her. And that act it self many cases reveal my new side, part that I didn't know about myself. That's one of beauty of act of love.

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Beauty itself always create curiosity such as, 'What is life of beautiful woman?', 'How is feel being beautiful woman's life feel like?'

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I want to know her as much as possible. I want to know about small to big things that matter to her. I want to know her metally, emotionally, physically, spiritually. If I know better, I can love her better. Just it takes time. I have a lot of curiosities about her because she is special and different. She has different character/trait/interest/background than mine. What is most important thing for her? What is her dream? What are her interest/passion? What is her desire and fear?

Love is the best solution of desire of unity, one-ness with world.

Erich Fromm said about this

"The unity achieved in productive work is not interpersonal; the unity achieved in orgiastic fusion is transitory; the unity achieved by comformity is only psudo-unity. Hence, they are only partial answers to the problem of existence. The full answer lies in the achievement of interpersonal union, of fusion with another person, in love.

This Desire for interpersonal fusion is the most powerful striving in man. It is the most fundamental passion, it is the force which keeps the human race together, the clan, the family, society. The failure to achieve it means insanity or destruction-self-destruction or destruction of others. Without love, humanity could not exist for a day...."

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(9/25/2008)

Maybe those curiosity and desire should not consider as an attraction. It's something has to do with my personality and human needs.