Managing Feeling

Mary-Elaine Jacobsen, Liberating Everyday Genius, Part4. Managing thyself: self-mastery and integration, 14.Self-Mastery: Managing Intensity, Complexity, and Drive P.295~297

Managing Feeling

As we know, Everyday Geniuses are hot receptors. That's just the way it is. But we can learn to consciously decide when to react, how much to react, and when not to react at all. It is up to us to adjust our lives and temper our reactivity to avoid unnecessary conflict, burnout, and wasteful allotment of our much-needed energy reserves. Though thousands of years of instinct and genetics have shaped our acute responsiveness and intense emotions, we can learn to separate impulse from automatic reactions.

First, it helps to learn how to accurately label what we feel-to apply the right words to our experience. This is often difficult, however, since feelings tend to come in packages. But with practice, we can use our analytical minds and verbal acuity to distinguish between more than "glad, mad, sad, or bad" feelings. By being clearer about our feelings, we greatly increase the chance that our emotions and our actions will be in agreement, not as odds with one another.

For example, if we feel something strongly, instantly interpret it as anger, and immediately act out our emotions, we may indeed be expressing ourselves authentically and appropriately. Upon further self-inquiry, we may realize that we have learned to respond to fear with anger, acknowledge our feeling as fear instead of anger, and therefore decide to choose a new and more appropriate response. By pinning down our emotional responses and choosing how or if to respond, we develop an accurate match between inner feeling and outward expression, a positive sign of both authenticity and Advanced Development.

Review the following list of feelings and notice the category each emotion falls into. Then look back over the list as you ask yourself: "Which emotions are easiest for me to express in mature ways?" Also select feelings to which you respond to in a less mature, reactive fashion. Be certain to note which feelings you suppress entirely.

Event-driven hurt feelings: sorrow, grief, hopelessness, loss, abandonment, loneliness, sadness, rejection, depression

Self-directed hurt feelings: shame, regret, guilt, self-loathing, worthlessness, self-degradation, loss of energy, depression

Angry feelings: irritation, annoyance, frustration, hostility, rage, hatred, disgust, submission, resentment, rivalry, defiance, condemnation, contempt, depression

Fearful feelings: panic, dread, suspicion, distrust, jealousy, worry, nervousness, foreboding, butterflies in the stomach, muscle tightness, tension headaches, muddled thinking, powerlessness

Heartwarming feelings: fondness, affection, closeness, trust, common bond, empathy, joy, serenity, confidence, eagerness, transcendence, insight, compassion, appreciation, wonder, love, respect, honor, gratitude, reverence, universality, benevolence, determination, purpose, value, meaning

Reflect on the internal messages you experience related to these feelings,. Are some of them still distorted in false-self thinking? Be especially mindful of the following automatic reactions: defensiveness, isolation, silent contempt, tantrums, coercion, and disowning feelings by intellectualizing them. Review Chapter One to get a clearer picture of how the subtraits of Intensity, Complexity, and Drive are manifested in you and how you tend to react. Then ask yourself what it would take for you to achieve the balanced version of each subtrait. Look for new ways to respond instead of simply reacting-modified responses that could make you feel better, more in control, and yet allow you to be open and available to others without being naively vulnerable.

It is clear to us that our zest for new experiences can make life an exciting adventure. But unmanaged feelings and impulses exaggerate our need for intensity and send things quickly spinning out of control. Only when we understand how we become victims of our own enthusiasm can we come to grips with the fact that our energy reserves are not bottomless. We must admit that our legendary verve can leave us burned out, and that scurrying about can detour us from realizing our most important dreams.

An effective measuring tool for examining reactivity is the "marshmallow test," devised by Walter Mischel. In Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman employs Mischel's test as a method of measuring the essence of emotional self-regulation: the ability to deny impulse in the service of a goal, whether building a business or pursuing the Stanley Cup. Goleman explains the need for goal-directed self-imposed delay of gratification this way:

Just imagine you're four years old, and someone makes the following proposal: If you'll wait until after he runs an errand, you can have two marshmallows for a treat. If you can't wait until then, you can have only one-but you can have it right now. It is a challenge sure to try the soul of any four-year-old, a microcosm of the eternal battle between impulse and restraint, id and ego, desire and self-control, gratification and delay....There is perhaps no psychological skill more fundamental than resisting impulse. It is the root of all emotional self-control, since all emotions, by their very nature, lead to one or another impulse to act.

Rather than be overwhelmed by our passions, or steamroll others with them, we must become the masters of our gifts. We must school our feelings, impulses, and perfection orientation and allow them privileges in our lives, not free rein, if they are to serve as the powerful assets they are designed to be.