It was Saterday and day off. I needed to go somewhere outside of San Francisco. So I decided to go Berkeley. 'It will be sunny and warm. lovely!'
I wrote, 'I'm on a Bart. It feels freshy to moving/going somewhere distance from home.'
When I arrived at Berkeley it was just like I imagined. 'Perfect!' I started to move, walk wherever my mind goes.
Maybe it has been an hour walking, I was North top of university campus. I decided to take a rest on fountain. And I wrote.
'Take time and being in the present and feel it, eveything.'
'Every single time when I enjoy this feeling-be united with environment:sun and wind and water-think free.'
'Let myself just be. Fastest way to understand the world.'
'After that, I always want to share this with my half. '
'Feeling by myself is not enough. never enough.'
Then I head back to the station through other way. Few other thoughts came to my mind.
'Life formation is shifted when we put love on first priority'
'Reality of love oriented person is unlimited because to us everything is possible by love, for love'
'and that kind of life is realistic because love is truth, principle/function of love is match with principle/function of universe.'
(coincidentally, this statement was on my planner's "daily thought" section. I saw it when I was on the Bart on my way back to San Francisco)
"Action expresses priorities."-Mohandas K. Gandhi
And on the way walking this sentence just suddenly popped up in my mind from nowhere.
'I loved her enough as I wouldn't have any regret if I die now.'
I thought about it for a while. 'I cannot say this is completely objective or right. But just this is what needs to be expressed at this moment of my life.'
I would not have a regret because I did my best. The best means drop dead best that put love and my lover higher than my life, everything. All those things that I did-patience, concentrate, care, courage, respect, objectivity, responsibility, knowledge, faith, giving-never done perfectly and that fact makes me frustrated and felt sorrow. I've fought countless time against my desire/illusion/needs to have or to not lose objectivity. I had been slowly dying without love to be patient. I was concentrating on her with 100% of my attention that gave me life motivation and vitality. When I lost my objectivity, I gone insane; I was angry at her, wanted to criticize her, wanted to demand her what I want; her responsibility and respect. But I didn't because I didn't want to lose respect of her. I wanted to give her what she wants/needs or helpful to her but I couldn't figure out because of lack of knowledge about her. And I felt pain that I was not giving anything to her. I couldn't. Few thigs I could think of were share my ideas, show her my beautiful life/mind. But distance and time make that giving and care much harder. I spent average 8hours for every single e-mail and reply of her e-mail to be responsible and to know her better and to be close to her. I've never afraid to be being ensecure financially and physically. Live with uncomformity and poverty didn't even matter to me. Possibilities to lose everything I got couldn't shake my faith. I believed in power/principle of love. I've realize by my experience that live by love is function of universe, principle of human life.
Yes, I really loved her enough as I wouldn't have any regret if I die now. Inspite of that, still there are experiences that I want to do/feel; to be choosen by each other, unity, grow together, inspire each other and enjoy serious romance, creation of synergy, mutual dependant, new realization by union of polarity, fulfilled. What I've been experiencing is not even close to them. I am not satisfied about state of my love that hasn't reach as I want and expect. But I know, I will be there. I will reach there. I am the one; a master of love. It is my destiny. I'm just not there yet but I'm on my way. I realized all this experiences of moments are meant to be like this. And that is procedure of practicing the art of loving. I've never done/seen/heard any other human activities that difficult than real love I've been trying.
Then I thought,
'Katie...I will love her until it's impossible. And this romantic love will go to other woman if I have a chance to do love that woman. Then I will be 100% to that woman as always.'
After I get back to the hostel, I sense energy shifting-high frequency to low frequency-very clealy. I don't even clearly remember what happened after.
Relative Post : Managing Feeling, Care, Respect, Responsibility, Knowledge, Faith, Objectivity, Courage, Concentrate, Patience, Giving
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