Intensity:Quantitatively Different

Liberating Everyday Genius, P.258 Mary-Elaine Jacobsen

Considering how we are quantitatively different from others allows us to bring together the gifted subtraits of sensitivity and high excitability under the single category of intensity. Intensity is primarily a matter of increased arousal. It is the result of a sensory, neural, and emotional network that is more receptive and more responsive, extending higher, deeper, and farther than that of the average person. This umbrella trait encompasses verbal agility, excitability, a strong sense of humor, exceptional concentration, empathy, emotional sensitivity, and high energy.
Intensity means that many things command our attention and call for a response. This sensitivity shows us things that others seem to ignore or miss altogether. We are qualitatively different in this way because we are more energetic, more emotionally reactive, more excitable, more passionate, more responsive, more self-aware, more committed, and more empathic. In other words, our extraordinarily sensitive nervous systems require us to make our way through life with all the advantages and disadvantages of being endowed with an ultrasensitive body, mind, and spirit.
Intensity can be seen in many forms of expression, including high levels of activity and animation, deep emotional reaction, a display of what looks like impulsivity, rapid speech, nervous habits, complaints about sound or small discomforts, and strong reactions to the problems and feelings of others. It is not surprising that until we find effective ways to manage our intense natures, we run the risk of wearing ourselves and others out.
Everyday Geniuses are constantly penetrated by life. It's fascinating, yet not surprising, that studies of the physiological characteristics of gifted children indicate a greater incidence of allergies. Our internal and external worlds are raining stimuli constantly. Even though I categorize the intensities of giftedness in quantitative terms, they make a huge qualitative difference as well. Our expansive arousal system makes us walking, talking electronic detectors. As one researcher put it, being so very sensitive makes for an entirely different sort of life experience:"vivid, absorbing, penetrating, encompassing, complex, commanding-a way of being quiveringly alive."
One of my clients described his experience with intensity this way: "Lots of people around me seem to passively observe a lot of things that get under my skin and set off reactions. It's always been like that for me-awareness in, reaction out. When it's bad I feel like I've been hit by an anvil, shattered like cartoon characters but without the instant recovery. That's the deep pit where I feel lost and alone. But when it's good, it's as if all my nerve endings are deliciously electrified; I'm on fire inside and swept off my feet by the passion and energy that washes over me. That's the pinnacle where I am truly alive and at my best."
In ordinary circumstances the same form of vitality needed to create transcendent moments can turn in an instant and produce unpleasant events. All everyday Geniuses know exactly what it's like at that instant-time is suspended, the tone shifts dramatically from positive to negative, and the looks aimed your way tell you loud and clear that you've gone too far. Though intensity incorporates a powerful set of potential assets, when unchecked our natural excitability and emotionality can overpower or repel others. Although they would not be overpowering in a group of their peers, even quiet Everyday Geniuses are sometimes very dominant in a setting of people who are naturally less intense.
Everyday Geniuses who dare to talk fast and express much more than "normal" individuals are quickly educated in social rules about this form of intensity, verbal agility. They are just being themselves, and they are confused when others pull away from their emotional depth. Yet in the real world such rejection comes with the turf. When our intensity is running at full throttle, there are always those who rapidly reach their saturation point and show it with the roll of an eye and a sigh. They have had all they can take for now. If we fail to heed their signals, it soon becomes obvious that those around us who feel trodden upon can and will turn against us, especially if our exuberance makes them feel inadequate or left out.
For some people more is not better, especially when it comes to expressions of emotion,. Everyday Geniuses' empathic interest and unusual capacity for closeness can easily miscarry if other people feel the protective walls of emotional distance closing in before they are ready. To them, getting too intimate too soon stirs up anxiety, which is often followed by a hasty retreat. Without understanding why this happens, it appears to the fast-paced gifted person who feels secure that others are either emotionally disconnected or disinterested in what they have to say.
Like it or not, the same thing that makes us stand out and apart also requires us to hold back at times, to make room for others' styles of expression and slower pace, as well as lesser degrees of comfort with passionate feelings. One Everyday Genius defended himself this way: "Sometimes the people who think I'm overmuch are the ones I find undermuch-less sensitive, less responsive, less spirited. To my way of thinking, that's simply less alive." Yet these kinds of self-justification are unnecessary when we understand that no one is really over-or underintense; rather, individuals simply fall on different places along the broad spectrum of intensity.
Consciously gatekeeping intensity to manage and direct its flow is critical to the fulfillment of our entrusted personal missions. Yet none of us will find it easy to face the shadow side of Everyday Genius until our admirable side feels grounded and reasonably secure. After several months of counseling, Glenda came to know and accept herself as a gifted adult, which made it possible for her to see herself in a new, more welcoming light. This, of course, was a prerequisite for her to be willing to delve into the shadow side of giftedness, to see more clearly how her intensity played out in her daily life in ways that kept her from reaching her potential.
Increasingly Glenda became aware of how she had never managed or protected her highly sensitive constitution. Without realizing she had any effect on her exposed level, she had become used to chronic vulnerability and the exhaustion that accompanies stimulation overload. For Glenda, life had always been a high-volume pitch-and-roll escapade, like living at Great Adventure during high season. Moreover, being as porous as sponge to every visual, auditory, tactile, aromatic, emotional, and internally produced twinge of stimulation, Glenda's exceptional gifts were increasingly underpowered. The catalyst that caused a breakthrough for Glenda was a reawakened childhood memory:
Glenda: When I woke up this morning it hit me like a ton of bricks. All the things we've been talking about, especially the piece about intensity, reminded me of one afternoon twenty years ago. It was the day I decided to try on the world with my senses dialed way down. I stuffed my ears and covered them with earmuffs, put on an old pair of glasses to make everything fuzzy, sucked on some alum to numb out my mouth, and insulated myself from head to toe with mittens and sweaters so I could hardly feel anything from the outside. I even put on the nose plug I used for swimming. Then I went out to the backyard and walked around. I'll never forget it. It was surreal, like floating around in a cotton cloud. At first I liked it- it was so quiet, so undisturbed. I remember thinking: "This must be what it's like for everybody else."
Of course, covering up my sensory radar didn't work for long, then or now. But it struck me that when things get to be too much I can put myself on "mute" for a while. I can even stay away from things like upsetting movies and pushy crowds without having to explain myself. I can adjust the amount of my exposure as the situation demands. I'm the one in charge of my intensity, and not the other way around. Until now I never thought there was an alternative to the extremes-anesthetized or emotionally raw. Now I can see how critical it is for me to protect myself from too much stimulation-especially invasions of negative energy.

Excitability and sensitivity are genuine gifts. However, like all valuable commodities, gifted intensities must be monitored so it can be allocated wisely. This is why one of the essential parts of self-mastery is to find others like us with whom we can be open and authentic without fear of judgment or reprisal-a peer group in which it's acceptable and normal to go fast, far, and deep. Such validation will make it easier to regulate the outer expression of our intensities with those who don't share our hardwiring. In the same way that we are offended when our intensity is criticized as "too much," we must not disparage others who experience life less intensely. Acceptance is an equal-opportunity issue. Besides, our natural preference for diversity makes this adjustment an unavoidable rung on our ladder of Advanced Development and personal evolution.
Impulsiveness and flightiness have traditionally been confused with a subtrait of gifted intensity: excitability. It is often laced with judgement and misinterpreted as being restless, high-strung, or emotionally combustible. But for the Everyday Genius who manages it, excitability is an invaluable source of enthusiasm, motivation, and empathy that is key to humanistic accomplishment. The importance of excitability cannot be overstated for two fundamental reasons: (1) it is directly and inexorably tied to creative productivity in a cause-and -effect relationship, and (2) it is both a trait and a need. It is because Everyday Geniuses are relentlessly curious, easily aroused, and perennially open to new experience that they are equipped to passionately pursue a wide range of interests. And it is because they feed their need for stimulation that they constantly revitalize their indomitable spirits.
Intensity makes Everyday Geniuses stimulation seekers more than simulation avoiders. For them, life is brimming with possibility, endless avenues of discovery and excitement. With an entire system that is energized and engaged, the life of an Everyday Genius is filled with an unshakable sense of urgency-so many options, so little time.
When the Everyday Genius is well-informed and a prudent self-manager, life can be a series of exciting events that evolve within a deeply meaningful process. Although it rarely happens according to our schedule, mastering our assets puts within reach our willingness to go the distance to achieve our goals. By learning to discriminate between meeting challenges and reckless risk taking, we can make better decisions about when and where to say "stop" or "go" to ourselves. Learning to feel with instead of for others gives us a chance to be fully and intimately involved without being drained dry. By giving ourselves the authority to protect our sensory systems, we can prevent stimulation overload without the deadness that comes from taking refuge in monotony.
Remember, intensity is not equivalent to being touchy. Rather, it is about being profoundly in touch. If we are too afraid of rejection of betrayal, we can rein in our intense personalities for the sake of conformity. If we throw caution to the wind and let our intense natures run wild, we may find ourselves alienated and sabotaged by our own actions. Unless we learn to regulate our intensities and skillfully channel them, we play a dangerous game of chance, and in the end may lose the chances we deserve.