In the morning I had conversation with Diane while we folding the laundries. She is thirty years old French woman and lawyer. We talked several topics-law, personal idea of having a kid and I sensed that she has mature mentality as all grown up real woman. So I started talk about my problem. Of course, it's about love.
Basically, I said things like these"I don't understand why I am suffering now."
"Why it's not happening even though I am ready?"
"It's been 3 years I have been being ready."
"I am 26 and I'm not with my woman. that's tragedy."
Then she answered like these
"26 is still so young."
"Things happen when you are not think about"
Nothing is a new statement, same old common idea but I decide to listen because I need objectivity that from other people's reality level. I wanted to know other people's consciousness So I don't go destructive by my own reality that is distorted. I wanted to listen her because she is my age woman who got decent personality development.
And I mention that I actually have a girl that I love in my mind. Told her about Katie that it is one side love and I am ready to let her go. But I can't find any other woman so that makes me miss Katie again and I stuck on it.
Diane said that maybe that's the reason hard to meet other woman. I knew it, I was thinking same way.
And I told her it's been 6 months and I did really the best of myself. I loved her with real acts not only mere emotion and feeling. Love that girl with no relationship and with distance it's extremely difficult but I wanted to do my best. So I don't have regret. And Diane understood that person who did best doesn't have regret.
I kept go on "She doesn't even response. It's completely unfair and I know and I accepted about unfairness because fairness is not really principle of love."
"I know she is not attracted to me. I knew she has average girl's concept." "Mostly older women are much more compatible with me and in spite of her age, I decided to do my best." "I wanted to do giving and do everything I can think of for practice the love, for doing my best." "So this was a really big challenge."
Diane said "Maybe she is not doesn't want to give you hope." "She concern that if she respond you, you would have hope of possibility which will make you more suffer later.""But is that the attitude towards person who like you should be?" "Is that her best?" "Isn't there ways to make it nice if you want to reject somebody?" "Where is respect?!" "She doesn't even thankful about the fact that somebody love her." "Humanistic mind! you know?"
It's one other thing I already thought about many times and it's not even new experience that woman doing that to me. That's one of thing I was really disappointed about Katie; one of same old ordinary girl's attitude.
Truth is, Katie, who has ordinary people's consciousness level cannot see my level of consciousness. Which is like this 'I know what her intention is but that's not humanistic enough to me because lack of consideration/responsibility/compassion for the one who love and having heart ache.'
Katie, just as other girls, doesn't know, she doesn't understand that people like me don't quit/give up by immature/passive/non humanistic reaction. And because of that we suffer/hurt more by seeing and taking those irresponsible act:hiding and ignoring. Does she really think she can trick or pretend to people like me? And that hiding/ignoring/pretending make me less hurt? That's only work to somebody who cannot see beyond her outer act/expression. If she can see what I see, she would not make same decision, maybe same. Her point of view, telling me she doesn't feel any difference is honest and best attitude for me...but in my standard, that's not enough at all. Katie doesn't even appreciate about some body like her. She doesn't know how to say thank you for love. I am not just criticizing with hypocrisy. I have done expressing my feeling and idea to the girls who liked me with truthful honesty and consideration. I make sure that girl doesn't hurt by me/my act and expression even though the fact that she was rejected and failed might hurt her. I know how to do that. The girl said she thankful about my mature attitude. And only one other woman was able to do same thing when she reject me and I didn't feel hurt much I rather appreciated her mature reaction as that girl felt thankfulness to me.
And I am willing to and able to take her honest true expression-she doesn't want to love me because she doesn't feel like to love me which is nothing special case. Same old misconception of love within most people. Probably there is subconsciousness that she is afraid of confront that fact see herself as a person lacking of acceptance and responsibility.
I said,"I know, I have to accept that she is not able to do that." "But it would be nice if she react more humanistic way instead of non obvious expression like no responding or hiding or avoiding." "And I want to ask her to do that but I know can't ask that especially when she is not able to do that yet. She is just 23"
Diane said "No, no if you ask that to her it will be too embarrass her."
"Yeah...I'd better not ask."
"But there was just one thing I wanted to do." "I wanted to go to her home and see her and show her that there is a man who did this for her...just for giving a good memory for her."
"No,no, no, no. don't do that" Diane cut me.I cut her, "No ,no,no, it's not like that, I'm not going to ask anything about accepting my love or giving me love or be my girlfriend. nothing like that." "That's not what I want to do. My intention is sharing the beauty of my life." "People like me who able to put love first priority of their life." "She maybe can see that feel that beauty because she is a human, too." "I am able to do that. I have done this kind of thing to other woman before even it was shorter distance." "But that one was more like for me but this time is different I don't do this for me. I really just want to do it as giving." "I'm gonna just come back right after show that."
Diane said "She doesn't like you so she will be upset when you do that." "You sure can do that but if she doesn't have that big concept she cannot understand it." "You cannot change that person's concept."
"Right...you are right...I can't change." "And it's my ego doing that even I already know that I am able to do it and showing that her is not really for her...it's for me." "To make my life more beautiful, make my story more beautiful...so...it's pointless."
"Yeah..." Diane nodded."Okay...I will not do that." I smiled,"Hooaa...again, acceptance, that's the last thing I had to learn from this love."
Dian asked me, "I've seen another guy like you I don't understand. why you keep doing that instead of stop." "Why you go toward pain?" "Don't you want to be happy?"
"My type of people has bigger/deeper capacity of emotion so we continuously take it until can't take it anymore even though it's painful." "And we have perfectionism our tendency is to see the end until it is crystal clear." "So I was keep practicing the love even though I already figured out same conclusion." "And that actually helps a lot to learn and grow up." "Because of that persistence I could learn from the experiences." "If I quit when it's not too hard, I could not have learn this much."
Then I realized, 'My last lesson from this experience; I have to think objectively and when thing is impossible to love, I have to accept the fact that I can't do anything for her and for love of her. Maybe let her be herself, completely let her be free is one of act of love that only thing I can do, I have to do.'
'Bye...I am finally done and completely finished what I had to do.'
And I felt big relief and freedom 'Wow, I actually feel like got out of jail that I locked myself.'
"Thank you Diane, I really appreciate it." "I needed to talk with other person because I wanted to see this from out side of my own reality." "It was very helpful."
I sure felt big relief and freedom. I actually felt being freed and refreshing all day . But there was something weird feeling in my mind. Meantime, it was arising inside of me. Something conflicted with excitement and freedom. I couldn't clearly notice that until evening. And when I came back to the hostel room and sit. I realized what it was...It was sadness. 'Yeah, it is not totally pleasant event. The fact that one love is finished is not really something to celebrate about.' I decided to listen my emotion carefully. And little degree of my mind telling me ignore it or suppressed it. Subconsciousness tried to rationalize it, 'this event; end of love is good for me and I should not feel sad about this.' But I questioned to that 'Is it really?' 'Why should I deny this emotion and blinded myself? for what? Am I scare of feel that sadness?' 'Hell no, I am not a coward and I am strong enough.' 'I'm gonna face it, that's Shaaun, as always.' So I decided to listen proper music for that moment and let everything go thoroughly.
Sarasate - Zigeunerweisen
6months of love by will. It was one of most difficult challenge/practice in my life. My first romantic love was 11 years of one-side love. I have swore to myself never wait anybody and I never did after that. But this time was one-side love. Why I did it? I think because I had to do that. Since I figured out what I have to be and that is exactly what I want to be, every choices and decisions that I made are just what I had to do at the moment. It was somewhat more difficult(not tough) than 26 months of army/prison experience. This time, the circumstance and situation were terribly harsh; it was one side attraction, one side love, no relationship, I had long distance with her,I was financially unstable,I had unstable social status, she and I are different type of characteristic and trait, younger woman(different life stage and emotional maturity). It certainly gave me extreme stress, pain, sorrow. And there was extremely pleasant moment and experience as well. Overall, it was of course very meaningful and quite significant 6 months of my life.
Any type of serious discipline is not easy, much more discipline the art of loving! There are far less masters of love than masters of any other human activities. Again, in realm of love, practice itself is always possible only in real situation and real situation is practice. And difficulty of discipline the art of love is it requires certain level of personality development that include high human consciousness level(knowledge of myself and person that I love, objectivity, knowledge of theory of love), virtues(patient,care, respect, responsibility), concentration, sensitivity, intensity, pro-activity, and willingness.
Through this experience what I've attained are not only bigger and deeper consciousness, knowledge, abilities of love. I actually found two big type of love. Love of life and self-love.
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