July 6th, that day right after I saw she was online then she said hi through the messinger then I just said "wait I'll call you right now" then I called her. Then we start talk but from the very beggining I felt that she was so far away from me because she was talking about all the other stuffs except us. So I sensed that she was avoiding talking about her and my feelings and experience. Then she asked me how I am doing. I started to talk about the feeling that I had, anxiety and worry about her and I said I concerned her because I love her. I don't clearly remember what she said I think because of that sudden hurt feeling I couldn't even get what she talk and what I talk after she said something like this "what do you mean love as friend you mean?" After listen that word, my entire brain was already not normal mode. I couldn't be objective and calm at that moment. There were only shock and pain, extremely fast subconcious thinkings and feelings. By that time, what I thought. spoke and listened was already out of objectivity. Out of control by hurt feeling. I remember few words that I said to her, "I don't bag you.", "I can't force you.", "Let me just love you Katie." And what I remember what she said were "Some time there is feeling without reason." What she said to me were pretty much same things that I already had heard from ther women in my past. So I didn't even want to listen more that ordinary same reactions because it just hurt me and nothing more to learn from it.
Simply, I was hurt after hear from her. She didn't feel the same way that I feel about her. Alathough what we had been doing was love, she was not in love with me. 'It HURTS very much!'
And I got back to skype phone call, I called smart guy who can understand what I'm saying about love, Francisco, and he notice very quickly because my voice was not exciting or happy. Then I just expressed my anger and disappointment. Then he tried to make me calm down and say something that he thinks I need to learn. But I cut him "Man I know, I will figure it out by myself. I always have been right and I will analyze and learn from it. I know better than anybody. Just right now I need to express this feeling. If you are not psychologist, don't even try to advice me." One thing I remember from his words were somthing like "I told you those kind of girls are difficult." "But the way you do is true love." And I also remember we laughed together when I say "The way she said and react was just one scenario of my predictions. It's just amazing how accurate I was."
After that short talk with Francisco, there wasn't nothing I wanted to do; doing some other activity that I can get some stimulation so I don't think and feel this any more? No, no avoiding but dealing with feeling. I recorded myself. I knew that by recording, I can see myself later and analyze it and I will have better understanding and more objectivity.
After some shouting out and yelling I felt much less anger,-negative energy- was in myself. I think it's because I consumed that energy and infact, I felt tireness.
So now what do I think about this?(7/29)
On this video, that moment of me, was not really objective about myself and Katie and all the situation.
It is not loving because in this video I didn't respect her as herself, because of anger, that painful feeling, I couldn't get the focus out of me. Also I can see that I made a conclusion that I will not focus on negativity through all those expressing.
No comments:
Post a Comment