In the morning of that day, while I was working in a hostel, negative thinking within subconscious started to create illusions and imagination which made me feel anger and disappointment and jealous. All those thinking were "Why she doesn't like me even though she had dated with immature guy, is she that naive about guy?","It's seems like her idea about love is nothing beyond ordinary women's idea", "She is intelligence but she grow up in psychologically and socially safe and wealthy environment so she doesn't know the pain of people who grow up and living in the circumstance lack of those need." "She might sympathetic about Mexicans' suffer and pain but not my type of people." "She is not courageous enough, her capacity is not big as much as I am." "Her safety and comfort is still important to her. and she doesn't know about difference between empathize other people's pain and able to understand that pain by her own experience"."And she is not open minded as I am. Arrc!" Basically this thinking procedure is keep increase that negative emotion by negative idea which is not really rational or objective. So that bad feeling and thinking keep getting bigger and bigger until hurt by it badly.
After finish work I went to the Fort Mason and recorded myself. I had to get things out of my chest and mind some way.
Tape was not good so many part of video were distorted. I wrote down that part under the video.
-but their sexual desire, is based on their personality level so pretty much, sex, will be their expression which is immature so...that's what that is you want that? I mean if you are woman...Jesus Christ sakes.
-what else? uh? it is like totally having oriented personality.
-so I have to follow what they doing I have to do same shit then get into the relationship first by using attraction and then somehow make them like me, make them obsessed to me,then develop later, develop love later, maybe, that's the only way. it is possible to me but I don't think so because I can't. I already have developed totally opposite and different way. It's like digression if I behave that way. Behave the ordinary people way. And most of all, my nature is against it. My nature is always be truthful, open, expressive. It's in my gene I cannot change it.
-I'm very unique individual and I will be a master of love and...if you miss it...I'm giving you a chance. you know what I mean?
-I know there is another possibility. you disappointed again and I will hurt again but it's fine, I mean it will not fine fine but things that happened is what I have to do anyway. I have to accept it no matter what happen I have to accept it that's one of important matter, important element of ability to love. You have to accept it even if I will disappointed I will do love. that is willingness of love and that make it happen. Believe me it will...Feeling? it will change, feeling always change. You will feel great later, you will feel that good feeling.
-If you just follow, chase happiness, you cannot be 100% of your life in happiness even though you master at happiness you have to accept that suffering and failing that, what you experience that meant to be meant to happen. Happiness is good, it is part of it, part of life but think about it. If you suffer if you know the pain...Then it is relative that happiness will feel great feel better, but if you are always in high of that happiness you will be dumb you will be dull, numb about it.
Reflection:
I can detect several parts that I am not objective about me and her and facts between us because of emotions. There is my attitude that disrespect of her and offensiveness instead of respect her as her and tenderness. And those are because of lack of knowledge about her and my lack of objectivity.
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