[12:59:26 AM] Shaaun Na says: hey man
[12:59:56 AM] Shaaun Na says: I just want to talk with you about what you mention before.
[1:00:28 AM] Shaaun Na says: I remember you said that those girls are difficult, do you remember?
[1:01:15 AM] Shaaun Na says: I acutally had similar thought months ago in San Diego
[1:01:34 AM] Shaaun Na says: I was thought about giving and suddenly I was wonder
[1:02:20 AM] Shaaun Na says: What if the woman that I want to give something for has everything?
[1:02:55 AM] Shaaun Na says: What if she has every psychologycal needs and sociologycal need?
[1:04:37 AM] Shaaun Na says: If she is health enough mentally, physically, emotionally and if she is wealthy enough so she doesn't need any more matrial things.
[1:05:27 AM] Shaaun Na says: If her job is what she always wanted to do and she is passionate about it and satisfy about it.
[1:06:27 AM] Shaaun Na says: Then there is nothing I can give to her that what she "needs".
[1:08:07 AM] Shaaun Na says: I am well aware about the form of relationships that immature love is I love the person because I need that person, and mature love is I need that person because I love that person.
[1:10:21 AM] Shaaun Na says: So if I can only give(as love) something to her who needs something, I can't say I am really having a healthy, interdependent relationship.
[1:11:37 AM] Shaaun Na says: But realistically, what can I do to that kind of wonder woman who has both outer power and inner power?
[1:13:33 AM] Shaaun Na says: My giving probably not really significan to those kind of woman because what I do is not really necessity to her.
[1:19:30 AM] Shaaun Na says: But I want to have/experience healthy and more mature relationship that two independent individuals giving something important to each other but not mare psychological, sociological need. Something beyond that.
[1:22:36 AM] Shaaun Na says: I haven't get conclusion yet just that was questions that I had before. I just remember what you said and that was relate with this question.
[1:28:26 AM] Shaaun Na says: And also what I'm experiencing with Katie is this kind of case. She is a girl who grew up in good enviornment(no family problem) and never failed in her life, socially doing excellent (she is only 23 and already has done 2 years of graduate school. she will be a psychologist in 3 years).
[1:32:11 AM] Shaaun Na says: And she is physically healthy and good looking and good attitude, and she has decent personality. So because of that obviously she get lots of love from family, friend, social people and attracts many guys.
[1:38:37 AM] Shaaun Na says: So I think she might not feel something strong appreciation/gratefulness from others giving because that's normal to her. She expressed her gratefulness but it might not strong feeling to her as less attractive, less independent, less healty women.
[1:43:26 AM] Shaaun Na says: So I thought, "Damn, it's gonna be really hard to make her satisfied." even though it's not something wrong with her.
[1:47:21 AM] Shaaun Na says: Meantime, if I do giving to someone who needs a lot, who is lack of everything. It's also very difficult provide all those her needs.
[1:59:35 AM] Shaaun Na says: I've met that kind of woman, she is my first friend in San Francisco, she has most messed up life I've ever seen.(Don't get me wrong, I am not look down her, inspite of her life, I really think she is beautiful person because of her beautiful mind. And I like her as a friend.) And I thought about loving her then it made me question to myself "Can I handle her? I mean am I capable to take care of her? Relationship with her will requires really broad mind, patient, effort, time. I might just consume all my energy, be exhausted and still not able to make her satisfied and I won't get any pleasure as well."
[2:27:29 AM] Shaaun Na says: I was really disappointed in Katie after that phone call and angry about the situation that failure producing love within her and failure falling in love with her and fail to make relationship. You know.
[2:30:37 AM] Shaaun Na says: but after express all those anger and frustration and disappointment, (I recorded myself) I could be more objective after let those feelings go.
[2:31:54 AM] Shaaun Na says: I rememberd that I had told to myself "Focus on love, dude"
[2:34:08 AM] Shaaun Na says: So what am I going to do? After realizing those expection of her is merely my misjudgement which is not her fault.
[2:34:54 AM] Shaaun Na says: I also well know that I have to accept the person, love the person as she is, not because of potential of her.
[2:36:41 AM] Shaaun Na says: If my decision is giving up my love because of disappointment of her, that's something far from accepting and unconditional giving.
[2:39:04 AM] Shaaun Na says: And I used to give up right after rejected by women, which is decision just based on my hurt feeling. Even though my idea was 'I give up because of I have to respect and accept her decision'. But actually that idea is good excuse and manifestation of afraid/fear of not being loved.
[2:40:35 AM] Shaaun Na says: And Erich Fromm said that in deep down, it's actually more like afraid of love(as an act).
[2:41:29 AM] Shaaun Na says: The memory of that sentence just stroke me.
[2:54:46 AM] Shaaun Na says: That's true. I am not really afraid of get hurt again but afraid of
not be loved which is more like inability to do unconditional giving and accept her as she is. If I want to practice and experience that true love, great love, I have to do this; unconditional giving which I've never done before and never seen before from anybody. My love was not big enough, not real giving, more like narcissistic act. So that's why I couldn't produce love within her. She didn't feel it.
[3:00:42 AM] Shaaun Na says: And I wanted to love her no matter what she feels now. She gives me a challenge! I talked to myself "Girl, I'm gonna love you even if your reaction is not what I wanted", "And I know that willingness makes me feel great, the act of love gives me good energy", "I'm gonna do giving no matter what she react."
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