7/28/2008 Monday

So I just realized no matter how I feel about the one I love, no matter how much I feel it, ther real energy flow of love is depend on outter action. What I do can make change because action is energy between I and her. So more realistically, act is all those skills and the arts of love. And those skills can abtain by certain personality development. I need humbleness, patient, respect, objectivity, independent, care, knowledge responsibility, respect.
So what? My tendency, perfectionism, makes me have a hard time because of what I want to do, that what I try to do is freaking too much. It's not something average person can do it. Ofcourse I suffer by trying it! It's just like kids who play with tennis ball try to do professional tennis. Obviously that kids will hurt.
Anyhow, the chances are not high. Kid;I will most likely fail if I try too difficult thing. But still dilemma is my tendency that always do ahrd way, difficult way. Because of the stimulation and motivation. Even though, I learn really well from that decipline and challenge harsh fact that I don't make it happen now because of lack of the skills, arts! It's also not only my inability. Her inability and immaturity is important fact as well. That 's why love is so hard to practice I can't do it practice by myself. I can practice certain things that require for love by myself but not when I'm in love. When I play tennis with other person I can't do all by myself. If two player's level is too different, both of them will not develop much from that practice. Compatability...ah. But how I learn this so much and so fast through this? It's my ability, insight and intuition. I can learn from realsituation well.
So now, back to the point where I am at, what do I want? And what should be done for that? So far what I've been doing was trying hard, do my best for idealistic result, otherwise I would not satisfy about my action. But it's still my ego. If I more care about her, I should help her to experience the love. Other wise it's just two people struggling;not enjoyable and tired. It's like playing a Beach valley ball as one on one. But the goal is not to win. Goal is play long and enjoy, develop the skills. I can't force her or make her play better suddenly. I can only support her. And hopefully I can develop myself by doing it; giving and supporting.
Finding right match with me is harder than finding a needle on the Beach. If I can't find a practice partner, best action for love is practice by myself that helps the art of love. Now I realize I have to lose that my ego, expectation, even though it is hard to not expect from whom I attracted to.
Let see how it feels that just support and help her and I've got to figure out why it's so hard to lose my ego. What Katie and I did in past was love but after certain point, I lost my patient and care, respect. My ego and expectation and need overcame me. That's what happened.