I started to feel sick a bit since last night. And this sickness brought me the reflection of difficult time back in San Francisco. What I most fear was discovered by near death experience. I knew that my weakness that I lose strength and will power when I physical exhausted especially when hard to breath. I discover that in army duty time. I become psychologically weak when physically forced to my limit. That's not the side that I like about myself. However it doesn't create fear though. That kind of situation creates strong resentment and fraustration but not fear. The most fearful few things for me were occurred when I feel beyond being weak absolute helplessness. When I feel absence of strength and ability to fight something that pulls me down to death against my will, awareness extremely increase and everything goes fast inside of me. The sensation that all my blood and energy getting out of my body quickly until no energy remain in me is the most horrendous thing to me. What happens in this experience is I wish to live more and more as I feel the death is getting closer. Overwhelming fear occurs when I feel my will fighting for survive but being defeated by what is coming after me. The life taking thing overpowers my will and strength. That is the scarest thing. In all helplessness and fear I cannot accept my end is just like that. But also I aware my death can be just like that. The probability and denial paradoxically cross over. The stregth of will literally become life itself. I hold onto the will to be alive as I am hanging on the edge of a cliff with one single rope and underneath the cliff is river of death. The rope is getting thinner and thinner but I cannot help with it. Meanwhile I am certain that if I lose my grip, I will die by falling into the river of death. Then gradually everything fade out, energy, consciousness, and the fear as well. State of being is so close to death that it feels like I dip in and out of the river of death. Then awareness slowly came back until I can barely manage to take a rest. Right after I got out of the horror I never felt more relief and appriciation of being alive. I don't know what saved me when I couldn't save myself. I can think of something very close to pure luck at least that's how I felt.