Thought is countinueing since yesterday, I feel it's necessary to write down this concept to clarify and find how determine or unstable I am. What's the notion of responsibility that I have? New dilemma that arouse this afternoon is where do I want to put myself between get helped financially for some degree of comformity such as that I don't need to worry about waste my time for secondary job for money making and not getting helped at all start from helping myself that is standing my own foot from very bottom of financial circumstance despite the fact that I have to pay the price which is slow down or post pone writing. When I am in the former case I feel unformity from the fact that I am relying on other at this age. Meantime another thing I couldn't bear is pressure, the pressure that I have to do well for the person who supports me who is a sponsor. It gives me the subconscious notion that I am not doing this 100% for me and by me thus I have a duty. And if I have that idea in my mind I cannot be whole hearted to "my work". It disturb my motivation and soon I think 'what am I doing now?', 'what for is clear but why I do this way?' And that way doesn't work! I don't know why it doesn't work for me. Maybe I have to find some answer from motivation, intention, stimulation. So as Khumo says "I need pressure" I thought same way. But the pressure should be there by me not by other. The purity of intention and full concentration by motivation. It is kind of extreme self-motivated form.
Is it really matter of being in middle of somewhere and compromise my desire and ideal?
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