Ok, What did I want to write first? Letter to Katie based on my feeling for sake of get crazy things out of my head and chest. Let's start.
It's been quite crazy. I'm going to say as much as I can handle but 100% thruthfully. I just wanted to talk to Katie. I miss conversation with her and her voice. It is maybe just my need, ego but I also think , "What's wrong with that if I don't have any bad intension. How what I want is harmful to her?" I don't understand if it is harmful to her. That is start of real suffer, "I don't understand why." I don't know why she doesn't response, what does she think, what does she feel yet she doesn't react at all so I don't get any information, clue of it. And that is very harsh and cruel. I only can say what I think what I want what is intension of my act as much as my consciousness reach. There are several things, I know that I like Katie, I want to know her better, I want to love her and be loved from her. "What is it, Katie!?" "what makes you hide, avoid and lie? What is your fear?" I'm not blaming her. I just want to know need to know because I love her. It's not just my curiosity about her.
Haver you ever been truthful? Is this your best way to live? If love is not a first priority to you, then you'd better forget experienceing real love.
I know you don't know how to express your emotion to other. I know you are not able to open your self and show how you feel about somebody. Thus, you cannot understand how hurt it is to be ignored and be disrespected. You've never try it or so afraid to try it. You will never grow your emotionality without being emotional and express it. Maybe you don't allow your self to become emotional. Abscence of emotional giving! you didn't even know how to receive it. You are well suceeding killing love. No response, best way to get rid of love. You are intellectually intelligence but becareful when you use your power without humanity. I'm saying what you do is hurting one other human being.
If you think 'I don't know what should I do' then just say that! or just tell me love is not your fisrt priority, then it will be much easier to me to understand. but dilemma is, how can I believe what you say since you are not truthful? God damn it Katie!
Was it all bullshit? "I am sorry that our feelings do not match. I have been there before and it if frustrating" I mean is that your attitude toward to the person whom you felt love? Have I ever ignore you or behave disrespectful to you?
I feel deep sorrow for love is being killed, Katie, you killing it. You maybe not mean it but that's what happening. Love is hard, erotic love is most difficult thing. Inspite of that I have to do my best. You too, Katie! I want you to do your best for love. Despite of my extreme willingness and attention, love is being killed! because I can't do it by myself! Do you understand?!
I'm sorry I can't be slick, smooth if it is what you want. I have to be straightfoward, it's in my gene. but I think my attitude toward you had a tenderness with respect.
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