Bizarre inner experience

How do I explain this? I thought more I get old I more become wise and well manage myself. But I woke up at 4:30 AM after dreamt several different junky, weird, unpleasant dreams. Then I can't easy my mind or calm my body. I just constantly woke up over again. Then eventually my stomach became active and hurt so I had to eat something. So here I am eating hot milk and toast, writing this. When I was around 19, I was shock and amazed by how many thing I realized by my self, my own thought and how insightful I am. I felt I would be enter into nirvana as Jesus or Buddha at around thirty. After few year my thought changed to "okay maybe realization will happen far later". But I didn't expect this at around thirty. I am way more experienced and stronger than before but I am just more struggled by myself. And don't know why this human being react this and that and don't know how to not react this and that. Without understand why there is no hope nor a plan. I rather be observe while things manifestating through this human being. No more than helpless ignorance at the moment. There are few guesses, no assumptions and that I have. It can be accurate reason and solution but I don't want to write what it is. Sure getting older makes me more complicated and deeper that's also why hard to understand but that's not always all good.