July 4th 3:52 PM, I just had a nap, how long I sleep? I don't know maybe 45 minutes? Anyway I woke up by roommmate, Ygit's alarm, it didn't annoyed me, just I had enough sleep, then I was still laid down on my bunk bed, that moment only thing I can think and feel was missing her, I want to see her. My awareness was only can sense that strong feeling, this big life organism, my 6 foot body, every single cells toward one thing, love. I can understand this human really live off and live by love, without love, it's mare fleshs and blood moving. While I thinking and feeling that I was still lie down and be in the moment focus on that feeling and thinking. This big life organism or I should better say small life organism, want love, need love, want her. Within 2 weeks I experience extreme of this human brain mind function by love. It's just shocking how much sensitive to love the way I think and behave was.
이건 애완견이(인간과 오래 더불어 산 포유류로써의 개) 사랑을 하는 주인이(인간) 없으면 활력이 없고 그냥 야생짐승과 똑같이 살아가는 것과 같다. 마찬가지로 이 인간이라는 생명체도 사랑이 없이는 그냥 세포들의 조합, 숨쉬고 먹고 오감을 통해 느끼고 생각하는 포유류에 불과하다는걸 다시금 느낄수 있었다. 나의 모든 행동과 생각의 기반은 사랑을 향해 있다. 단지 그것을 얼마나 내가 의식할 수 있는가 없는가의 차이일 뿐 사실 매순간이 사랑을 하기 위한 선택이고 그것의 결과이다. 이제야 Erich Fromm 의 부연설명이 없이 나의 수준으론 이해할 수 없었던 문장 "인간성은 사랑이 없이는 단 하루도 살아갈 수 없다"을 직접 체험을 통한 깨달음으로 이해할 수 있다.
June 30th, after I went to ambarcadero and the pier for feel the water and be peaceful and enlightened. I recorded what I see. After take enough time to feel good energy from water I was heading back to the hostel. Soon after, I heard the voice of Katie, "Keep walking Shaaun". That's Katie's voice but actually I never heard that word from her, because that is one of her word in her e-mail. What actually she wrote to me was "Take care, and keep walking, because I know it makes you happy". But the voice inside of my head was very real. What happened was, right after I heard her voice, I just change the direction, without thinking, without judgement, my brain and body was automatically moved. It was just simple word, "Keep walking Shaaun" no explaination, imperitive sentence with her tender voice. Eventhough it was my brain's creation, my lack of objectivity, I couldn't resist that strong compelling, undeniable. Then I was walking seconds, finally my awareness came back, then I thought 'I walk because she says so.' It's not for my feeling or happiness. I was experiencing I just do something because that's what she said. Although I knew when I actually read that sentance "Take care, and keep walking, because I know it makes you happy" I thought she doesn't know about me well yet. Walking itself doesn't make me happy. I need water. when walking on the beach, nature giving me peace and enlightment not walking itself. But that day at that moment, it was irresistible. I've never experience do something without reason. Especially since I live proactively, I've never did something by other person's advice, command without my own judgement,strong compelling and agreement. So it was weird and good feeling that I doing something very different with myself because of love. And I walked longer than usual routine walking it self didn't give me good feeling or happiness. I was exicting about that new experience I'm doing it just because of her word.
July 2nd, I had really sweet dream, she appeared in my dream again. That was second time she appeared in my dream. We met again I the place we were at was some house. And she kissed me as greeting. And there was her father, I can't recognize the face of him, in fact, I've never seen him, that saying "Is he the guy that you've date with last four months?" I don't know why he said four months, but at least in my dream I didn't even wonder. Then she said,"No, he is my new boyfriend." Then I felt that sweetness, sweet feeling. That's pretty much it. It was short and I don't remember there were other things or not. Just after wake up I was in that sweet dream high untill noon. I realized that dream made me remind how much I miss her and want her.
No comments:
Post a Comment